From WorldWrestlingInsanity.com
JG's 1/9 Raw Insanity: John Cena Gives Lita a Good F-Uing
By James Guttman
Jan 10, 2006, 02:37
Hello, hello. I'm back. I'm back. At first I thought that I hadn't missed much since the last time I checked in with the Raw Insanity. Then I looked back on all that happened in the last few weeks and realized that there have been some things that I may not have been around for.
Rather than talk about those things, I thought I'd just present these things in a musical extravaganza. Yes. It's the Medley of Crap I Missed. Turn up your speakers. Make sure you have Flash installed and check out:
The Medley of Stuff James Guttman Missed While on Vacation
You back? Good. One more thing until we get Raw...
Congratulations go out to the McMommy and Cerebral Daddy to be as Mr. and Mrs. Paul Levesque are expecting their first child. All our best from World Wrestling Insanity.
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| Backlash 2007 |
So, you ready to rock? Ready? It's '06. That's right 2006. Wow. Sounds like the future. So grab your jetpacks, future boys and girls. It's a new year and it's a new Raw. With a new champion, what else will be new? Live sex - that's what! Yup. New WWE Champ Edge has promised Live Sex with Lita. I know. I know. This is a channel that censors "shit." There's gotta be a swerve here. Either that or they really have sex. Which do you think it is? Well, only one way to find out. Grab your space-remotes, future people. It's Live. It's Sex. It's Raw!
New Year's Revolution Video Recap. Last night Triple H shaved his facial hair, lost 50 pounds, changed his name to "Edge" and won the WWE Title.
This week Raw is right up on the Hershey Highway. We're in Chocolatetown, PA. Just this morning Jerry Lawler ate a brownie. Now let's go to the ring for that rapper guy that people don't like much anymore.
Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?
Yeah. Let me get a Big Mac and small Diet Coke.
Hey. You're John Cena.
Yeah.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Do you want fries with that?
Uh…no.
OK. YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! $3.52 is your change have a good day and GO TO HELL! YOU SUCK! BOOO!
The Challenger is HERE! John Cena is in the house and he's getting his usual half boo filled reaction from the capacity crowd. He does something different, though. He acknowledges it. He asks the crowd to show him their true feelings. Why? Well, because "life is full of choices" or some fruity stuff like that. He goes on this dumb tangent about how we can all choose to do things. That's why some people choose to boo him. Duh. John quotes the great Greek Philosopher Allen Iverson when he says, "If there's one million people who loved me, then there's ten million people who hated me." The former Champion says that he feels the same way. (JG Note: Uh, John, that's not good if you're a Babyface. It's like a doctor saying, "For every patient I have that lives, ten die." You're supposed to make people like you. Don't brag about that.) He challenges Edge to a rematch tonight and then tells those fans drinking "Haterade" to kiss his ass. Haterade - located in aisle 8 next to the Cheapsauce.
This brings out Lita. She has the Spinny Championship of the World draped over her shoulder and a smirk on her face. Listen C-Man, you want a title match with Mr. Alimony in the Bank? Well, no go, Hobo. You can get a match but it won't be tonight. Nah ah. It'll be at the Royal Rumble. How did this match get signed? Well, apparently - and I'm paraphrasing here - Lita gave Vince McMahon a hummer. I don't mean the vehicle. She said she gave the Chairman some "oral persuasion" in order to get the match moved to PPV. (JG Note: In the end, it's all about Vince's wiener. All it's ever been about. From day one till now, it's been about little Vinnie and the twins. Nothing more. Nothing less. We all just need to come to grips with that.) She then talks about how she's going to do something with Adam Copeland live tonight that "begins with the letter F." Farming? Fridge repair? Fart? Oh…wait. I get it. Never mind. She follows up by saying how Copeland will last more than 60 seconds, unlike John Cena did again him last night. Of course, we get the obligatory call out to everyone in the crowd - citing that, in fact, all the men in attendance couldn't get laid. All of them. Sit back and wait Dr. Thuggypants. AC knows what he's doing in bed, in the ring, and at the Royal Rumble. So, Mr. Cena, Lita says that if you can't see that, then you can't see her.
John stops her. Everyone expects a freestyle rap. Instead he starts to do the heart-to-heart street-talk serious speech. I hate it. It's like watching a white guy from Massachusetts acting out a scene from Boys N Da Hood. It was melodramatic and lead to the threat that he will kick Copeland's ass at the Rumble. Final line:
"You can bank on that, bitch."
Irony of this segment? The one time WWE acknowledges J.C.'s lack of fans, he gets more cheers than usual. Wow. It's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is some poop. Right, John?
Tonight: Shawn Michaels and Kurt Angle meet Carlito and Chris Masters. Also Trish Stratus meets Matt Hardy's girlfriend. Not that one. The new one - the one that Edge hasn't had sex with…as far as we know.
Commercial Break. Edge and Lita find themselves upstaged when a commercial earlier in the show features live sex between a candy bar and a handful of M&Ms.
Trish takes to the ring for her match but Mickie James is already there. She urges the crowd to give a better ovation to the WWE Women's Champion. After weirding out her opponent from last night, the Mickster hands the microphone to Lillian Garcia - the Lilster, if you will - to make the next announcement.
"…and her opponent the 2005 Raw Diva Search Winner…Ashley!" They should change Ashley's theme song to a ticking clock.
1) Ashley defeated Trish Stratus via Disqualification I hate to say it, but this match made me feel like there's just never going to be a place for women's wrestling in WWE's current state. The program is such an overtly testosterone-fueled sexfest that it's impossible to really watch two women, jiggling to and fro, trying to put on a genuine athletic performance. In a way you have to understand why the audience cheers "Puppies" if they cheer anything at all. That's what they've been conditioned to do. The announcers made mention of how Mickie James could have beaten Trisha last night but chose not to, setting the stage for a slew of rematches. Storyline aside, this one was a mess. The mostly silent crowd watched Ash hold down Trish for a pin, but find herself violently attacked by an obsessed Mickie. The referee called for the bell and James went ballistic. She went after the 2005 Raw Diva Search winner, but was held back by Strats. That's when the Lilster did her part to ruin the night.
"Here is your winner and still WWE Champion…Trish Stratus!"
Yeah, uh…no. Joey Styles, John Coachman, and Jerry Lawler went crazy at ringside. Forget that Garcia called her "WWE Champion," Trish didn't even win. Team 3J kept yelling that Lillian had messed up. So she corrected herself.
"The winner is Ashley!"
To which an annoyed Lawler corrected her with, "Yeah, by disqualification." (Inside Jerry Lawler's Mind at This Moment: "Why do they have to let them talk? Just shut up. Puff out your Pups and shut your goddamned pie hole! If we were in Memphis, I'd beat your ass, girlie! Yeah… Say, I'm in the mood for some Sour Patch Kids. I got some in my bag. Oh. I need to run and get that. Come on. Go to Commercial. As soon as we go to commercial, I can go get my candy. God. Come on. OK. Nice. Here we go. Yay! Sour Patch Kids Time!")
Commercial Break. Sleepy's has ad space on the Raw with the bed in the main event slot. I guess we all forgot to see the great and unexpected cross promoting opportunities that spring up with insane and ridiculous shock angles.
Video airs touting Rob Van Dam's WWE return at the Royal Rumble. Wait till Backlash '07, Robby Boy.
Vince McMahon is backstage where he runs into his "nigga" John Cena. Not since Big Mac's Survivor Series N-Bomb have these two had the honor of chillin'. VKM says that it's too bad that he lost last night. However, if there's one thing that Vince gets gooey over it's first times. This is Edge's first WWE Title. It's also going to be the first time that Cena and Edgy meet in a normally scheduled match at the Royal Rumble. Oh yeah. One more first. Tonight's the first time that Live Sex on television. God help us all. (JG Note: As he talked I expected the Count from Sesame Street to jump out and scream "One! One title reign! Ah ha ha! One! One time with Live Sex! Ah ha ha ha!") Vincenzo asks Little Johnny to please keep his nose out of the TV sex. No one wants to see that ruined. The former Champion assures Vince that he won't interfere. Hell, he's "looking forward to seeing this just like everybody else." Mac threatens to take away his title match if he does. Prototype doesn't flinch. No big deal, Boss. John won't interfere. He wants to see his two enemies have sex. He's going to "enjoy it." No shit. He says that. The final kicker, he tells McMahon to check his trousers because he has stains from "oral persuasion." Oh ha ha ha. Mr. McJizzpants! Hee hee hee! You dirty dirty old man! You almost won the Raw Insanity "Friggin' Creepy Award" of the Night, but someone outdoes you in the next segment. Sorry. It should be an honor just to be nominated.
Carlito is wrapping up his cool wrists in cool tape. Suddenly he's bum rushed by an irate Chris Masters. The 22 and one day old Masters demands to know what's up with Carl's doublecross last night. What the hell?! Lex was counting on you Sideshow. You were supposed to team up with him and take out Cena. Instead you blew it! You maniac! You blew it up! Damn you! God damn you all to hell! Chill, Chris. Chill! It was an accident. Tonight you need to trust Triple C. After all, if you think there's mistrust on your team, take a look at the other side. It's HBK against the Troop Hating Olympian Kurt Angle. The Love of God teams up with the Bestiality Guy. Come on. You don’t get much more different than that. They're like a wacky buddy cop duo. CM ponders the thought and lets cooler heads prevail. Speaking of which, I need a beer. Watch some commercials.
Commercial Break. I love that PSP commercial with the Cheech Marin-sounding ball of fuzz. Every time I've seen it, I've laughed. I guess it's to take your mind off the fact that you're paying $250 for a handheld system that only has a handful of games. Don't think about that. Look at the ball of fuzz! Ha ha! Consume! Buy! Buy!
2) Royal Rumble Qualifier Chavo Guerrero pinned Rob Conway after the Frog Splash I have to be honest, I'm not totally comfortable with the whole Eddie Guerrero Tribute Gimmick for Chavo. I understand that Eddie's career was intertwined with his and I'm all for giving respect to Eddie's memory during his matches. It's just not a good idea to make him a character based on nothing except for the fact that he's related to the late Eddie Guerrero. It seems shortsighted and the longer this goes on the harder it will be to eventually give him a real tangible gimmick. At this rate, his feuds would have to be centered around a heel badmouthing the memory of his Uncle and I just don't think anyone really wants to see that yet. While it would have made more sense for Conway to go over and head to the Rumble, he didn't. Kerwin did. He hit the former La Resister with the Frog Splash and scored the win. Cue the Oooo Chavo and Matador music. We have a winner.
The highlight of this match? It was Joey Styles winning the Friggin' Creepy Award. He won it for his comments about Edge and Lita's upcoming "Public Sex."
"Public sex? I've been married a long time. I have a two year old at home. I haven't had private sex in many years. "
- Joey Styles, 9:41pm
Jerry Lawler said, "That's more information than we needed to know." Yes. You read that right. JERRY LAWLER said that. That's a feat, Joey.
Commercial Break. The Burger King plays football now? Man. Ronald McDonald is a bitch.
We're in the dressing room area and Shawn Michaels is wrapping up his cool wrists in cool tape. When what to his wandering eyes should appear, but Kurt Angle and Shawn Daivari. Yo HBK. What up? Let's get some things on the table right now. There's issues still steaming from last night's Chamber match. That's all last night, though. Tonight you're not opponents. You're partners. Shawn has one question for you, Olympian. Can he trust you? Angle says that he's a Gold Medallist, therefore trustworthy. How about you, Boy Toy? Are you trustworthy? You're the screwer, right? Well, tonight a zero-tolerance policy is in effect. Don't cross the Troop Hater.
Shelton Benjamin and his "Mama" Thea Vidal have arrived at the arena. She only looks like she's about ten years older than him, which is weird. As they walk by Val Venis backstage, Thea asks her son if he wrestles for the company. Shelton replied that he did, which surprised everyone watching. Mama Sapphire approaches the former porn star and asks if she's seen him in any movies. He smirks. (JG Note: Uh oh. I guess Shelton's Mama watches pretend fabricated kayfabe pornos!) Anyway, Venis gives her a list of choices. It's a doozy:
Shaving Ryan's Privates
Glad He Ate Her
Hairy Twatter
Damn. This sends the woman that the McMahons picture when they close their eyes and think of what a black woman looks like into a fit. How dare you! Ooooo! You nasty, child! She says she's a good Christian woman and bans Shelton from hanging out with "Whoremongers." Get your gear, baby. You gonna take on Hairy Twatter here tonight. Get set Valleyboy. You going to hell….tonight. I hate to sound pessimistic, but with the way WWE books minorities, I'm surprised that they don't have Shelly clapping his hands together and calling himself, "Kid Dy-no-mite!" It could happen any day now though.
So…coming up: Val Venis versus Shelton Benjamin. Wow. This is turning out to be a real Heat-erific night.
3) Chris Masters and Carlito defeated Shawn Michaels and Kurt Angle when Masters made Angle go "limp" The finish to this match was the perfect example of how wrestling today doesn't have any focus on rules or continuity. The match itself was flat at times and didn't get much steam to it. With both teams working the dissention gimmick, it made for a slower pace with less reason to really get emotionally invested in the outcome. The big double-cross finally happened when Kurt Angle was locked in Chris Masters's dreaded Full Nelson with a nickname. HBK gave him a wave and took a walk. Leaving his partner in the ring to face certain defeat, Michaels made his way up the aisle and was ordered back by Daivari. The former manager of Muhammad Hassan called the Rocker a "son of a bitch" and ate a Superkick for his trouble. In the end, Angle was supposed to succumb to the Masterlock. One problem, though. He didn't tap. Not only that, but he didn't have his arm drop three times. The announcers were at a loss to explain how Kurt had actually lost the match. Finally they agreed that he had "gone limp." Crazy. I didn't know the match could end that way. New rule! New rule! Go limp - you die.
Gear up, Limpy. We've still got some Live Sex coming up! It's a good idea for a main event on a wrestling show. I love renting a porno and seeing the orgy break into an unexpected Ladder Match. Don't you?
Commercial Break. Was the WrestleMania 22 commercial featuring the jingle "Big Time" meant to come off like it's from 1993?
Shawn Michaels is walking backstage and fussing with the cool tape on his cool wrists. He's stopped by his latest antagonist Vince McMahon. Vinnie Mac shows concern for HBK's well being following his bloody tag match. You think you're smart, eh Shawny? You like to stab your partners in the back. Don't ya, boy? Huh? Well, the McManiac has a plan for you, Michaels. As we all know, Vince says that we can count on him to "make the best matches and make the best Raw each and every week." (JG Note: I was waiting to see lightning smash into the chairman and set him ablaze, but I guess it’s not lying if you believe it's true.) So next week, it's going to be the Brawl War to settle the All Score. That's right. Michaels vs. Angle - The Tie Breaker Match. Each man is up one win apiece. We don't mention the last "rubber match" that these two had. You remember, the Ironman match that settled nothing. That's the past, though. Let's focus on the future. Next week is the future. VKM looks closely at Hickenbottom's head wound and tells the Toy Boy to take care of his cut because it looks "nasty." Ouch. The guy who had squirt stains on his knickers earlier in the evening tells you your head is "nasty." That sucks.
1999: Triple H beat the Big Show. Oh, wait. I'm sorry. That was last night. Nevermind. Time flies when nothing's happening, huh?
Stephanie's Baby Daddy is standing by with Todd Gisham. Hunter talks about last night's events and how they shook the world. Well, screw that. That isn't the big story. The big story is Hunter Hearst Helmsley. After all, Mr. McH is the one constant in WWE. When he says something is going to happen, you can bet your muttonchops they will. He promised he'd beat the Big Show. Huh? Didn't he? Well it happened. Now he has a new promise. You ready for this one? Well…
"So now, I'm telling you what's gonna happen next, Todd. I'm telling you and I'm telling everybody. You can put money on this one. I am gonna go to the Royal Rumble and I'm gonna win. And then I am gonna go on to WrestleMania, where I become the WWE Champion. It doesn't matter to me if it’s Edge. It doesn't matter to me if it's Cena. I don’t care who it is. You mark my words, Todd. The whole word mark my words. At WrestleMania, the King of Kings goes back on his throne."
- Triple H, 10:24pm
Splendid.
Backstage, Torrie, Candice, and Victoria play in the big bed. For some reason, everyone is more excited about seeing Edge have sex with Lita than three women in the bed. There's must be something about that Adam Copeland. Seducer of women, kings, coaches, and Joey Styles.
Last night on WWE.com, Edge and Lita promised live sex on Raw. In a related story, Matt Hardy will kneel down and cry in the shower.
Commercial Break. On February 18th, Triple H faces John Cena at the Nassau Coliseum. That's not really why Hunter's coming to Long Island. Shhhh. Don't tell anyone, but me and Trips are throwing Stephanie a baby shower! Oooo. We're going to play games and stuff. It's a secret, so don't say anything. Hunter wants to make everyone hide and then jump out and spit water at her when she comes in the room. Surprise! Oh, it'll be such fun!
Stacy Kiebler's on a TV show. No, not this show. A real show. One with car commercials and people watching.
4) Royal Rumble Qualifier: Shelton Benjamin pinned Val Venis after a T-Bone Suplex This was a bad match. God I'm bored. It just seems unneeded to give a struggling Shelton prolonged wins over lowlevel guys on Raw. A match like this had Heat written all over it. Highlights included Jerry Lawler attempt to imitate Mama Benjamin. After two words, he realized that there would be no positive way to spin his Aunt Jemima Mammie Impression, so he dropped it. Good call, King. I still can't get hold of how WWE sees this gimmick playing out in a positive way. It really makes Benjamin look like a punk. He has to win or else his mama will beat him. How sad. The gimmick might work if he was big or crazy. He's not some nutty animal. He's a normal sized guy that lets his mom boss him around. I'm sure kids will love that. Most teenagers are normal sized and have moms that boss them around. They don't need to watch TV to see it too. Another favorite part of this one was when Shelton kicked Val square in the chest and Mr. No Private Sex screamed out "Oh! What a knee lift!" Later, Lawler calls it a knee lift too. Looked like a kick to me. What do I know? In the end, it was Thea Benjamin stabbing Chief Val Morely in the asscheek with a hatpin. SB nailed him with a T-Bone Suplex and the pinfall was scored. There's an unexpected old school reference. The Legend of Hatpin Mary lives on. Only now, she's played by a rip off of Momma McNabb and a Martin Lawrence movie role.
Commercial Break. So I take it the four McMahons are the only entrants into the Royal Rumble so far? Oh wait. I get it. They likie be on the T-V.
5) Royal Rumble Qualifier: Kane pinned Gene Snitsky after a Chokeslam Snitsky is repulsive looking now. He looks like a Billy Goat Gruff. Anyway, BG Gruff was taken out in short order. After about three moves, Kane scored the pin. Tremendous. Pass the No-Doz. There's still Fake Live Sex to look forward to.
We go to an extreme close-up of Kane, microphone in hand. Actually, it was too close. You could see his pores and the fuzz around his ears. The Big Red Machine says that we just witnessed the first of 29 casualties on his Road to WrestleMania. The pyro hit and Jerry Lawler guesses that the Monster will enjoy the Live Sex between Lita and Edge tonight. Wasn't Kane married to Lita when Edge stole her? Did Matt Hardy erase that? Is that erased?
Amy Dumas and Adam Copeland are in the parking lot. They're going to have sex in the ring! This is stupid…and it's next!
Commercial Break. Lectric Shave? Uh no. You forgot the E. I can't trust you with my face if I can't trust you with spelling.
The bed is in the ring and the Champ is Here! Edge makes sure to mock Cena's catchphrase twice. Not only that, but he rubs the noses of all the fans in his win. No one predicted it! No one saw it coming! All of you people think you're so smart, but no! The Edgeman outsmarted you all. He made "the boldest move in the history of this industry." After fooling all the Elimination Chamber participants, Copeland rushed the ring and claimed his title match. Why? 'Cause he's smart, that's why. In this business, you don't have to be the biggest, strongest or toughest. You just have to be the smartest. That's it. Plain and simple. (JG Note: Marrying and knocking up the boss's little princess never hurts either.) Now before the Canadian Quagmire gets all Giggidy Giggidy on Miss Congeniality, he has a video you all need to see.
Video airs to the tune of Staind's "Right Here." I was split on this. On one hand, it was a good video package. On the other, it was a step back for a heel to show a video that's halfway complimentary of him like this one was. In the end, both points cancelled each other out so I really have no opinion on it.
Now that the Edgeman got all that out of his system, it's Sexy Time.
Now look, I'm not going to break this down bit by bit for you. You don't need me to. You don't want me to. Basically they stripped each other down to their undies and then Copeland bent her over and removed her bra. She held it in place although the straps weren't attached. After climbing into bed, both took turns diving under the covers and removing each other's underwear.
Note - I'm reviewing a wrestling show. I have to remind myself of that.
Someone smells fornicating. That someone is the Nature Boy Ric Flair! Whoooo! He's here to stop this shenanigans. He tells Lita to brace herself so he can rape her and show the new Champion how it's done. She doesn’t seem keen to the idea, which is puzzling considering that's how Kane got her. A brawl then ensues between Copeland and Flair. It…er, uh… climaxes when Edge retrieves a chair and uses it as a weapon.
After numerous shots, he lays Slick Ric's head upon a prone chair on the announce table. He lifts another chair in the air and comes crashing down with a one man Concerto. Naitch's head appears to be smashed like a Gallagher watermelon. Mother of Mercy. Could this be the end of Rico?
Unfortunately for World Champion Boom Boom, his enemies aren't limited to old men. John Cena jumps from the crowd like a bottle of flying Cheapsauce and he opens up on Mr. Lita with a barrage of lefts and rights. He chases Edge through the ring and up the ramp. Adam watches from the stage while John stands alone in the ring with Leets, who's clutching the blanket to hide her boobs from the audience. Awwww….she's shy. That's sweet.
Cena stares at the covers and lifts them up ever so gently to peep inside. He seems tickled by what he's seen. Uh oh. I bet she's nekkid! Well, we get to find out if she's nekkid or not as, like on Season 2 of the Real World, he yanks the covers from her to reveal that she's…wearing a t-shirt and panties. What?! That's what he made the "Oh my" face about? A T-Shirt and panties? That's hardcore, Johnathan. You hard. You street.
John then does what he does whenever he sees a woman in a T-Shirt and panties. He attacks her. Yeah. It's a little problem he's working on. Eh, we all have issues. Anyway, he places the hoochie momma up on his shoulders and slams her to the mat with an F-U. The crowd cheers. Edge threatens. No one cares that Ric Flair is dead on the announce table. Fade to black before my ears start bleeding.
All in all… What, uh, what did I just watch?
What the hell was this? I can't even picture talking to people about this Raw.
"So, you see Raw. Live sex, huh?"
What am I? Nine? What a crappy concept to introduce the first night of Edge as champion. Who's thinking of this stuff?
I can't really explain why I disliked it so much. Every time I write a reason, it seems insulting to explain it since it's such an obvious thing. The main event of tonight's show was a live sex celebration on the censored USA network. That was the hook they used to get people to stay tuned in. Live sex. Amazing. Whatever, though. Let's look at the rest of the card.
The whole night had a Sunday Night Heat feeling. Besides Vince McMahon's oral persuasion and the Michaels-Angle thing, it was a tedious two hours that served no purpose other than to buffer time between NYR and the Royal Rumble.
Hunter did his promo thing. The statements he made tonight were interesting. While I think it's safe to say that the plan could be to have him go on and win the WWE Title at WrestleMania, it's equally plausible that it isn't. His definite guarantee can be a guarantee that someone interferes and eliminates him from the Rumble, setting up a bloody feud. The fact that he was so sure it will happen can make the fact that it doesn't seem like a bigger deal than it was. Then again, this is Triple H we're talking about here. Chances are he's telling the truth.
If it wasn't Royal Rumble time, I'd be pretty apathetic right now. Tonight was not a good follow up to last night. Last night's PPV was a boring show with an amazing end. Tonight's Raw was a boring show with a boring end. Meh.
So that does it for me. It's good to be back after taking a vacation. Join me again on Friday for JG's Radio Free Insanity. Also, check back tomorrow for another Tuesday column from Derek Burgan. Also be sure to check out all the TV reviews and columns you may have missed. Thanks for reading. Be well and thanks for sharing our Insanity!
You can reach me at James@ WorldWrestlingInsanity.com
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