JG's Retro Raw Insanity
JG's 5/31/04 Raw Insanity: Why Kane is a Bad Friend
By James Guttman
Nov 6, 2005, 13:53

McMahon Home...May 31, 2004

Chris Jericho: Thanks for inviting me today, Vince. There's nothing like a great barbeque. In fact, this barbeque is one bad mama jama! The Highlight of the Night is going to get some burgers and take them downtown to Chinatown!

Vince McMahon: Uh, haha. No problem, Chris. I love throwing these Memorial Day barbeques for the peons…uh, talent. It fosters community, ya know? Burgers are almost done. You want it with cheese or without?

Chris Jericho: Give me some cheese, you sanctimonious son-of-a-bitch. Y2J loves cheese. I'm all about cheese. That's why they call Chris Jericho the cheesiest guy in WWE!

Vince: (snickering) Yeah. That's why they call you that. Hehe. Here's your burger, Fozzy.

Linda McMahon: Vince, Eric Bischoff is here.

Eric Bischoff: Thanks, Linda. My, your breasts look bountiful today. Hey folks. I brought over some Jell-O shots.

Vince: Great. Thanks. Put em over there…tool.

Behind Vince, in the pool, Shane McMahon stands on the diving board. He's waving his hands wildly and jumping around.

Shane McMahon: (screaming) Dad! Look at me! Dad! Dad! Dad! I'm gonna jump and do a flip! Dad! Look! Dad! (deep breath) Da-a-ad! Dad! Hey Dad! Look! Look! Look! Dad!

Vince: (agitated) Go ahead. Jump. I'm looking.

Shane flings himself in the air, doing two full flips before landing in the water below

Vince: (unimpressed) Eh. Nice try, Shane. Hunter did three flips this morning.

Shane: (slamming his hand and splashing the pool water) Damnit!

Ric Flair comes running onto the deck and begins undressing. He tosses his discarded garments on the lawn chairs and tables. He is red and screaming.

Ric Flair: Alright! Let's get this party started. Who's down for a little skinny dip with the Nature Boy? Lose them clothes and take a dip! Whoooo! Last one in is getting sent to Sunday Night Heat!

Juventud Guerrera: (taking off his clothes) Count me in. Ay Caramba!

Juvi and Flair both jump in the pool, where they are joined by Shane, and Eric Bischoff, who did all of the Jell-O shots he brought and has since fallen in.

Vince: Why is Juventud Guerrera here? What do you want, Shelton?

Shelton Benjamin: Can we get a candle or something? There's bees all over the table by us.

Shelton motions to a table in the corner that is seemingly overrun by angry, buzzing bees.

Vince: Those bees were invited. They're friends of Triple H's from a commercial he did. You got a problem with bees? Your people don't like bees? How'd ya like to go and have Rico pinch your ass for the rest of your active career? Cause I'll…Victoria, what are you doing?

Victoria: (flailing around wildly and grabbing Vince's hips) I gotta dance, damn you! Dance with me! Do it, Vince! I can't stop. I have the music in me. Feel the rhythm! Dance! Dance!

Vince: Real cute, Vicki. You better hope you can get this stupid dance thing over or else you'll be boogying with Brian Christopher, if you know what I mean. Hey everyone, chicken's ready!

Paul London: I'll have a wing please, Mr. McMahon.

Vince: Sure thing. I can't place you. You married to one of our WWE divas, young man?

London: No. I work for you.

Vince: Hmmm. You're not that Spanky kid that quit, are you? Goddamn! Juventud Guerrera crashes this thing and now Spanky.

London: I'm Paul London.

Vince: Splendid. I'm Vince Stamford. Get lost. Ok, all done with the chicken. No thighs left. No wings. Oh look. We have an extra leg here. It's a shame we didn't invite that Zack Gowan kid. Ahahahahahahahahah!

Polite laughter

Vince: Ahhahahahahahahahahahh! (deep breath) Ahahahahahahahaha! Ah, nothing like a good laugh. Oh man. That's great stuff. Extra leg. Ha! I feel great. Well, that's it. I'm all done with being nice today. All you people get the hell off my property. In ten seconds, Jim Ross will release the hounds.

***

Everyone loves a barbeque, even the Chairman himself. Settle down and grab a beer cause it may be Memorial Day, but it's also Monday. We have a Raw to talk about. You know all the questions. Let's get some answers. Let's God Bless America and then head to Montreal for the Spike Lee tradition…Monday Night Raw!

May 31, 2004...Montreal

Tonight's Raw is dedicated to men and women of our armed forces and to America. It is narrated by Vince McMahon, the person who openly brags about "beating the federal government." U.S.A.! Hurrah!

Recap of Triple H and Shawn Michaels owning Raw last week.

(1) La Resistance defeated World Tag Champions Chris Benoit & Edge to capture the tag titles when Grenier pinned Edge Big pop for La Resistance. With Raw broadcasting from Montreal, the show is bound to be somewhat askew. Even Jerry Lawler says that the atmosphere will play a role. This contest was perhaps the most glaring example of how a match can play out differently in a different venue. The crowd was on fire and, for the most part, behind Sylvan Grenier and Rob Conway. At one point they broke into a "Sylvan" chant, which blew my mind. Despite being Canadians themselves, Benoit and Edge failed to catch up to the Dino Bravo Connection's following and had to adjust their styles accordingly. With such a hot crowd and four men looking to deliver, this match came across great. All of them worked hard and offered a solid contest with the rabid crowd serving as great background noise. The finale fed into the recent rumors of Benoit-Edge at the post-Bad Blood show when Edge ran in for a Spear and accidentally nailed the Wolverine. Distracted, Edgehead was grabbed by the French Canadians. Dupree hoisted Edge's legs on his shoulders while Grenier held him up at the head. At once, they both rolled through, sending the former Brood member crashing down. Three seconds on top and Sylvan wins the tag team titles for himself and Conway. The crowd goes nuts. Conway and Grenier pose like heroes to a rousing ovation. Parle' Vous Hooray!

Commercial Break. Starship Troopers 2 is coming to DVD. Get yours now before everyone who likes bad movies gets 'em first!

Sylvan Grenier and Rob Conway are sweaty and surrounded by fans. This was probably one of La Resistance's best moments yet. Seeing them get such a strong reaction from their hometown will boost their heel response from an American crowd. It's just the way things go.

Todd Grisham has a long neck and he's backstage with the Legend Killer Randy Orton. His Intercontinental title slung over his shoulder, Orton expresses that he's unhappy about tonight's match with Shelton Benjamin. It's non-title, but if Benji scores a win, he gets a title shot. Ort isn't unhappy about the possibility of losing. He's unhappy over the thought that Shelton could compete on his level. It's ridiculous. That guy couldn't beat Randall on his best day. Oh, but Toddy G begs to differ. Check out this videotape from last week.

Last week… Shelton Benjamin beats Randy Orton. It was his bestest day ever.

Mr. RKO is upset. He storms off. Don't get so upset, Randy. You people always get upset.

In the leather couch room, Eric Bischoff is hanging and banging with Lord William Regal. Bloody Hell, Uncle Eric. Great matchmaking. Orton versus Benjamin? Why that's a jolly good matchup, chip-chip-cherah! Listen up, Willie. The reason that Easy E made that match was to reestablish control of Raw. It's Eric's job to pretend to run the show! Not Hunter and Michaels! EB tells Mr. Bentley that he's recently had a change of heart as it relates to young Eugene. No longer a joke, Gene has come to be one of Raw's most well received "special" stars ever (JG Note: Besides, of course, Shane McMahon.) Here, Eugene. Bisch has a surprise for you tonight. It's going to be your second one-on-one match ever tonight. Your opponent will be a friend.

Knock, knock, knock

Enter John Coachman with his funky hat and sunglasses. He's here, summoned by Bischoff. What do you want, Eric? Well, Johnny, you are to give Eugene Dinsmore an apology, post haste! Dinsmore is Eric's nephew and you will respect him. Coach spits out a half-hearted "sorry," which Eugene accepts, but the Bisch does not. Redo it, bitch! In fact, redo it in the ring. Make it sincere, buddy, or else Sleazy E will get you a Fed Ex in the morning! Coachman takes off and Jim Ross says that he thinks he'll enjoy this. Well, that makes me happy. When Jim Ross is happy, aren't we all just a bit happier ourselves? Just a little bit? Deep down?

Commercial Break. Joe Shmoe 2! I'm really getting into these cruel reality shows lately, like "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé" and "WB's Superstar USA" (JG Note: Which comes in handy later. Read on.) I like to laugh meanly at people. Finally television is giving me that chance. Thank you, reality television, and may God Bless you.

Finally, the Coach has come back to…whatever, Coachman's in the ring and he has a job to do. He has to say he's sorry to Eugene. You want it? You got it.

Eugene shows up and the crowd cheers like he's Superman or Sylvan Grenier or something. Coachman has an apology for you, buddy. A few weeks back, Coachman said that you had no friends. That ain't true. You're tight with the Rock and World Champion Chris Benoit (JG Note: Who? There's a World Title still? It tends to slip your mind now and then) Man to man, John wants to offer a handshake and be forgiven. They shake and JC begins to speak about all of Gene-o's friends. You want a new friend? Huh, boy? You want a new one? Here…Coachman has a new friend for you…

Susan? Hello, it's Kane. Listen, take out my planner and take the following notes. I need to be at the gym by eight. Then I have an eleven o'clock appointment to murder a dog. 12:15, I'm stopping over at Matt Hardy's house to grin evilly and laugh. Three o'clock, we go to the funeral parlor for some "alone time," if you get my drift. At seven, I'm getting my nails done. Got it? Write it down. Also, call back Mrs. Brazelton and push back her root canal appointment to Thursday. Thanks.

It's the sort-of, not really burnt monster Kane. He's here and he's got something on his mind. What it is, we do not know. Relax, people. It's nothing bad. According to Coach, the Big Red Machine is here to be a Big Friendly Machine. Kane-o opens his arms and offers Dinsmore a hug. Even with his look of absolute insanity plastered on his face, the allure of friendship from the Monster is too much to resist. As they hug, Coachman proclaims that Kane may be Eugene's friend, but he is not. With that, he attacks the Bischoff nephew, raising the ire of new buddy, Kane. Either the rest of the world is really smart or the announcers are really stupid because they have no clue that Kane is setting Eugene up. After staring down the Coach, he turns to Dinsmore and clotheslines him down. Oh! Boo! What a bad bad monster! First jumper cables on the jewels and now this! Katie Vick, what did you ever see in him?

Commercial Break. The new Optimum Online commercials showcase a kid saying how quickly he can download music and games. Can they say that? Isn't that illegal? It's like a Ginzu Knife commercial showing how it can be used to rob convenience stores.

In the leather couch room, Bischoff and Coachman are laughing about Eugene's latest troubles. They are stopped by Lord William Regal. His Lordship with a heart of gold, has a soft spot for Mr. Dinsmore. He's upset over his treatment and will not….will not what, Regal? Huh? Eric wants to know. Lose your job? It could happen. This is what's best for Uncle Eric and his family. Eugene needs to be embarrassed (JG Note: Maybe that's the Bischoff family thing. They have to be embarrassed publicly. I mean, Uncle Eric was with that whole WCW dying thing. Now it's Eugene. Family hazing, I suppose.) Anyone interferes, including you Willie, and they’re fired. Interferes in what? Eugene's match with Kane, of course. It's on.

(2) Women's Champion Victoria pinned Jazz with a roll-up Hahahahahaha! Ah hahahahah! Victoria's dancing…ahahahaa! I think Vicki is here to make Shane McMahon look like Fred Astaire. It's the most ridiculous entrance they could give someone. In order to get into her character during the match, you need to block out her desperate dance routine opening. Not only does it look like she's trying too hard, it's cheesy and forced. Let her be crazy again. I beg you. Crazy worked. This doesn't and this match shows you why. The crowd fell asleep. They woke up briefly at the ending when Jazz almost exposed Toria's butt with a tight pull roll up. She didn't get the win, but Victoria did a moment later when she got a roll-up of her own. Yay, Vicki! Now it is time on Sprockets when we dance!

Commercial Break. WWE presents the $250,000 Diva Search Contest. When he heard that you didn't need wrestling ability to win, John Layfield applied.

Weird Randy Orton Fact: The number 2 site to come up on google as a Randy Orton fan site has the address: http://randy.monkey-sex.net

Randy Orton and Dave Batista are here and await Mr. B.

OK, Shelton. We've sat down and brainstormed and come up with some ideas for merchandise for you. Ready? Here goes: a red shirt that says "It's All About the Benjamins." No? Ok…how about a green shirt that says "It's All About the Benjamins?" No? How about a blue shirt that says "It's all about…

(3) Shelton Benjamin pinned Intercontinental Champion Randy Orton after a Powerslam in a non-title match While I'm not big on predicting amazingly great things for Shelton Benjamin, like many others are, I think that Benji and Orton maybe a natural pairing. Like the Lesnar to his Angle, the Steamboat to his Flair, the Rock to his Austin, the Nailz to his Big Bossman…well, scratch that one, this could be the one-on-one lifetime opponents that defines both of their careers. The two were allowed to focus more on their own abilities when Batista was banned from ringside and forced to leave both competitors to do their thin mano e mano. A bloody Orton tried to get Dave to stay, but it was for naught. Shelton and Orton had to settle this and it had to be alone. Sounds dramatic, huh? The ending was, too. The Champ looked as though he was going to take off and accept an intentional count out when Benjamin chased him down. In a split second, Randall turned and knocked him down with a punch, an obvious set-up. He rolled SB into the ring and then arrogantly followed. Shelly was only playing possum and scooped up the Ace Cowboy's Kid and slammed him down with a Powerslam. Shelton scores the win and gives that contorted strange look that he does.

Commercial Break. Bad Blood is coming to pay-per-view. Apparently Chris Benoit is fighting Kane or something. You hear anything about this?

Backstage, Todd Pettingrisham is standing by with Stacy Kiebler, who's modeling at the moment. She's jacked up about this Diva competition. Hell, even her sister is entered in it! (JG Note: Can't she get her sister an audition without this thing? Shouldn't any employees or relatives be ineligible?) Todd asks what a Diva does and Kiebs says that they travel and get to do publicity shoots. Sounds difficult. She sends the tool off while she continues to help her photographer find the best angle on her ass.

It's time to play the Game. Triple H is here and his future is so bright he has to wear shades. Dressed to the Nines, Trips has something to get off his chest. He has a rivalry with Shawn Michaels, who's not here tonight. It's one of the best rivalries in the history of wrestling. It's coming to an end at Bad Blood inside a Hell in a Cell. It's really really a great rivalry and Trips wants to make sure you know that. Really, it's an awesome feud. You would like it. Seriously. Ask Hunter, he'll tell you. With that, Hunter Hearst Helmsley directs our attention to the Big Titantron Imax Screen, where he joins us in viewing a video devoted to…well, him!

Video of: Triple H's Hell in a Cell Matches against Chris Jericho, Kevin Nash, and Mick Foley. A new version of Hunter's theme song plays during it all. Nothing like a Hunter Hearst Helmsley music video to make you excited.

They return and Helmsley tells HBK that he will see him in hell. Then he leaves. (JG Note: I can't imagine how you even go about pitching an unneeded and pointless, self-gratifying segment like this with a straight face. Hey Vince, how about if I come out. You have Shawn banned, so he doesn't come out. Just me. Then I talk about how awesome the rivalry is. I tell some more great things about me. Then we all watch a video about me. Then I leave. I think it could work.)

Commercial Break. Twix it up. Strange that a candy bar would choose a slogan that could become new slang for "Throw it up."

Matt and Lita Fun Fact: Lita still has rug "burns" from Kane's house

(4) Matt Hardy pinned Garrison Cade after a Twist of Fate This seemed like an easy way to give Matt a win on television and break past that whole "losing streak" gimmick he had going for a while. Although I can't really understand the point. He's not the prominent member of the Kane feud right now and I can't see this in love gimmick carrying him too far after the Big Red Machine is done stalking his girlfriend. As lost as Version One has seemed at times, at least he's not Garrison Cade. Misused Matt landed the Twist of Fate on Cade and scored the pin.

Smackdown Rewind: I wish I could rewind my life and get back the two hours I spent watching Smackdown.

It's a very special moment in the leather couch room as Uncle Eric Bischoff is joined by Eugene. Listen, Gene, Bischy lied to you. He knew about Kane coming out earlier. It was tough love. He's trying to protect you, Dinsmore. You don't belong here. You know what? Prove your uncle wrong tonight. Beat Kane. But first, come give Easy E a hug. The two embrace and Bischoff gets a glazed look of evil and emotion combined. If we're going to believe that Eric Bischoff has a heart, this is going to require suspension of disbelief to the tenth power.

Commercial Break. Why name a game system N-Gage? I got engaged in December and with all the planning and seating charts and things to buy and invitations to order and a million other things, the last thing I have time for is playing games. Thank you, N-Gage, for your cruel taunting.

Highlight time, kiddies. Only Chris Jericho can't be the man behind the music. He's too hurt to host anything tonight! While we try to figure out who the host is, you watch this video about some crap we did in Ireland.

Video recap of some crap they did in Ireland.

And we’re ba-ack! (JG Note: Man in the box, get back in that box!) The music kicks and we have a Highlight Reel to see. We get a somewhat more feminine Canadian with long blonde hair, Trish Stratus. She's got Tyson Tomko by her side and you all should consider yourselves lucky that she has lowered herself to host this horrible show with the tacky set. After making some anti-French Canada jokes, she moves on to her issues. First and foremost, kisses and love to her Christian lover sitting at home injured. Strats sends him much love and baby talk to a round of jeers. Want to know what brings Miss Trish here? Check out the footage on the Stratus-Tron 5000, you'll see why she's here.

Last Week: Trish and Tyson Tomko jumped Y2J and put him through the table Jerry Lawler drools on when he sees breasts.

Trish Stratus then actually steals a full joke from the WB's Superstar USA, the show features judges that give fake praise to poor singers and pretend insults to good ones. The great singers go home and the bad ones advance while the judges, audience, and crew lie to them. Anyway, she totally ganked this joke. See for yourself. This line aired last week on the program following an extremely strange audition:

"Hello? 911? I'd like to report a robbery. Frank just stole the show." - Briggs, WB's Superstar USA

Compare it to this…

"Hello? 911? I'd like to report a robbery. Trish and Tomko just stole the show." - Trish Stratus, 10:46pm

Steal a joke from a random and below-the-radar reality show? Not on my watch, sister. Blatant. Seriously, just blatant. It says a lot when you steal one-liners from the WB. She sarcastically apologizes to Jim Ross for Tyson's actions and then mocks him. Don't be a problem, J.R., lest the Problem Solver Tyson Tomko will deal with you. She goes to see the footage again, but instead gets the King of Bling Bling.

Chris Jericho hits the ring and goes right after Tomko. He takes him down and attempts to lock Stratus in the Walls of Jericho. His actions are thwarted by a Tyson boot and a subsequent beat down that ended with the taped up Highlight of the Night slammed into a metal chair and then choked with it. To add Insult to Injury, Strats takes a seat on it while C.J. gasps for air. So much for a big attack. Jericho rolls around in pain while Trish Stratus and the guy from Disturbed leave the premises.

Kane's backstage and he's looking around. Ooo. Scary.

Commercial Break. I wish I wrote the format for Spike TV's show "10 Things Every Guy Should Experience." Number 4 would be "Give James Guttman $100."

(5) Eugene defeated Kane via disqualification Talk about having your plate full. Kane has a main event match with Eugene this week, a World Title Match with Benoit on the next pay-per-view, and an outstanding angle with Lita and Matt Hardy. On the flip side, Eugene is in a good position as he's not locked into one particular rivalry right now, but rather a big picture situation that centers more on his character development rather than a nemesis. Put those two together and you have a feature match that can only benefit both men. In many ways it did. Gene was pretty over in Montreal and Kane has no choice but to be presented as a top match performer with the upcoming Benoit confrontation. The finish saw Kane grab a chair and attempt to use it. When referee Earl Hebner grabbed it, he was flung to the ground by the Red Monster. After regaining his composure, Hebner called for the bell and Dqed Paul Bearer's baby boy.

After the official word, Dinsmore hugged the ref while Kane fumed. He chokeslammed Bischoff's nephew and looked as though he was going to do some more damage until Chris Benoit rushed in to make the save. He attempted to wrest the Monster to the mat with a Crossface, but was countered. Kane made his escape and Benoit checked on his little buddy while we fade to black.

All in all… Not a bad showing leading into Bad Blood. I'm not saying it was awesome. I'm just saying it wasn't bad.

The buildup for the matches was slow and deliberate, but ultimately more balanced than it's been in other weeks. The Triple H-Shawn Michaels match promotion was kept to a dull roar while Kane and Benoit was only touched upon, but at the show close, which most people remember.

The La Resistance title change was a great step and a positive move for WWE's tag division. In order to rebuild your tag team scene, the tag titles need to be held by a real tag team. The top single stars tandem or the mismatched partner champs are good for an initial interest boost. Long term, they trivialize all that the tag titles stand for. Having a real team win it in a locale that would garner the biggest response was good. If you were to watch this match ten years from now as a standalone moment, you'd think that Sylvan and Conway were the best things in wrestling at this time.

Randy Orton and Shelton Benjamin work well together and have the chance to grow as stars, with each other as opponents more often. They seem to have that click with styles and career position that could make them something to look for down the road for years to come.

I'm guessing that the Kane-Lita thing is on the backburner as a go-to angle. I hope they're not going to sit on it for 9 months and do a pregnancy thing. If, for no other reason, things change so often around here, who knows where they'll be in nine months. It sounds like ambitious booking from people who aren't known for their sure things.

Altogether, it was a fairly good show and something that will make most fans happy hopefully. I was content. That's it for me. Check out my upcoming article in the Torch Newsletter about Wrestling's 10 Most Infamous Quotes and join me next Monday for more Raw Insanity. I have to get back to the McMahon barbeque…