Back to Page 1: J.R.'s Video Killed the Radio Star

By James Guttman

 

Trick or treat? I quit. Oh Christian, we hardly knew ye. For those of you behind the Canadian curve, Captain Charisma bounced out of his WWE tenure today. This leaves a huge gap to fill. Who will be the guy we all refer to when citing a wrestler that WWE screwed up the push of? Wait...Rob Van Dam! Hmmmm. Sure is coincidental that just as the CLB takes his leave, RVD returns to his throne as the underpushed performer that tears his hair out trying to figure out what he did wrong. Where was I? Oh yeah. Raw. By the way, today's Halloween so I guess I have to give this Raw Insanity a Halloween theme. Well, boo! There. Did I scare you? No? Well, I know a way to scare you. It involves the USA Network...

Raw Theme Plays:
Hey, Mister McMahon, we should play a funeral procession instead of the Raw theme this week.

Why? Cause it's Halloween?

Uh...yeah. Sure. I was thinking more because lately the shows have been soo shi...actually, Halloween is right. It's 'cause of Halloween.

Happy Halloween, dollar signs. WWE welcomes you to a ghoulishly ghoulish ghouly Raw filled with ghouls and ghoulary. What scary sights are in store for you tonight? Well, for the first time in history, Shawn Michaels will wrestle John Cena! Then from there, the sex objects are going to model their costumes in a Diva Halloween Contest. Who's hosting that contest? Why none other than Jerry Lawler. After that, Stone Cold Steve Austin is going to answer John Coachman's challenge. What will happen? Will he accept? Will he decline? Will he be swapped out for a Deacon, Dusty's kid, and the guy who Bobby Heenan joked about getting his ass kicked by Paul Orndorff at the 2005 Hall of Fame Dinner? Stay tuned...

Eric Bischoff and Chris Masters come to the ring. Jerry Lawler says that he was the president of Bischoff's fan club, but had to "resign out of loneliness." I have no idea what the hell that means. It's the type of thing that sounds good when it's first said, but when you think about it, it makes no sense at all. Masters grabs a chair and Uncle Eric starts his speech. He continues to push the Raw-Smackdown feud. What's the next installment? Well, seems that the Total Packagepiece is going to give his Masterlock challenge to a Smackdown Superstar. Who is he? Well, let's bring out Teddy Long and Rey Myyyyyyysterio!

Who's that jumping out the sky? Are you bi? Mysterio...there you go.

Dude, did you just ask if I was bi?

I said R-E-Y.

No you didn't.

Why you so defensive?

Shut up!

Rey Mysterio is here and he looks small compared to Teddy Long. When he enters the ring, he looks insanely small next to Masters. It was like when you would compare a He-Man figure to an old WWF LJN Rubber Monster Figure. They look like toys made by different companies. To further show that WWE has no idea how to downplay someone's weaknesses, they let Chris mock his height by actually lifting Rey Rey up and placing him on a chair. Junior responded by knocking CM in the head with a punch, but the damage was done. He was now a midget in my eyes. (JG Note: Sorry Rey, I only have room for one favorite midget and that spot is taken...by a man that eats ham.) Eventually, Lord Little Rey got the upperhand and began to beat down the Masterpiece until Raw's crew showed up to defend his honor.

Kerwin White, Gene Snitsky, Edge, Trevor Murdoch, and Lance Cade all rushed out. Why? Because they had nothing else to do. They put the boots to teeny weeny Rey Junior until more backup arrives...Blue and Silver backup! It's Team Smackdown! Team Smackdown! Matt Hardy, Bob Holly, JBL, and Chistian all arrived to even the odds. A rather strange brawl breaks out and the Raw team is run from the ring. Once gone, Long says that his Smackdowners will be coming to Tabbo Tuesday so they can holla atcha, or something to that effect. Who will the fans vote for in the tag match against Edge and Lex Masters? Will it be JBL, Hardcore Holly, Version Done, Baby Rey, or CLB One Night Only? Tune in and find out. You're life may just depend on it. Muwahahahaha!

Commercial Break. WWE, who doesn't advertise to children, showed an ad for a bunch of toys. There was the electronic talking ring playset...for, uh, adults. There was the giant wrestling figure things...again, for adults. Then finally, the plug and play WWE video game controllers...for senior citizens.

Jerry Jarrett showed up at WWE headquarters this week and he wasn't alone!

Bischoff's pissed off and he's going buck wild on Edge, Masters, and Lita. Taboo Tuesday has to go Raw's way! Eric swears that he will not "go down to Teddy Long"...not that there's anything wrong with that.

Last week, Kurt Angle beat John Cena, but it didn't count because there was some shady business going on. You know the dill.

1. Kurt Angle defeated Tajiri via Anklelock submission. Guess what? Tajiri still works there. I forgot all about him. You know what that means, don't you? He lost. Duh. Your Olympic Hero defeated the Japanese Buzzsaw with an anklelock tap out.

After the bell, Kurtis took the microphone and informed John Cena that he will emerge from Taboo Tuesday with the WWE Title around his waist. Hell, he's beaten Cena three times! The most recent time? Last week. Let's watch that video tape. Superfan Adam...roll that footage!

Same video from before airs, except this time it's interrupted by John Cena himself. He starts to hammer away on the Olympian until he runs from the ring. Not good for the Champ. Cenas's response from the crowd was luke at best. (JG Note: Luke warm, Chris? No, Luke Skywalker, you f**kin' inbred.)

Commercial Break. I gotta use Axe Body Spray. Yeah, man. I gotta bag me a horse.

We're at the broadcast booth and see that Jerry Lawler is all kinged out for the Halloween festivities while the Coach is dressed like Steve Austin. Oooo, scary. I wish I could reach into the TV set and give them both handfuls of Smarties and Bit 'O Honey. I can't, though. All I can do is watch this video package honoring the man-love that was Triple H and Ric Flair.

Video Package honoring the man-love that was Triple H and Ric Flair.

Ric Flair then comes out and does a two second interview. He says he will kick Hunter's ass instead of kissing it and then begs for a cage match again. Is there any point in voting anymore? We should all send write-in votes to Titan Tower and demand that Triple H and Ric fight in a Scaffold Match. That would be awe-some!

Commercial Break. Dale Earnhardt Jr. thinks he can tell me what type of jeans to buy. Gotta be honest, Dale. As a guy, I don't really care all that much. As long as they cover my business, I'm good. I wear my jeans to death until they're destroyed and falling apart. When it's time for new jeans, my wife buys them. Then the process starts all over again.

Rob Conway's House - Saturday Night

Click.

So, Peter. Cindy. There you go. That's the video of me wrestling on Raw. You're actually the first neighbors that I've shown my wrestling tapes to.

Oh, thanks Rob. We're honored. So...you're a gay character?

No. No. No. I'm a con-man.

A gay con-man?

No, like an arrogant con-man.

You're aware that you looked like you were playing a gay character, right?

Get out! I hate you! I'm moving! Leave me alone! Ahhhhhhhhh! Wahhhhhh!!!!!

2. Eugene defeated Rob Conway via disqualification. On Sunday Night Heat, Rob met up with the "legendary" Koko B. Ware. I can't wait until I get old. I can be a legend. We all can be. In Connecticut, "legend" means "old." Tomorrow night, you can vote for Rob Conway's opponent. You can choose either Jimmy Snuka, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, or one of the people who participated in "World Wrestling Insanity" Kamala. (JG Note: Yeah, baby. Glad I grabbed him before he signed the legends contract. I'm sure it'll make for more interesting reading in Connecticut next Spring.) This match was actually pretty good, but was based on all the prior chemistry these two had together as a tag team in OVW. They work well together and have similar styles. Unfortunately, Eugene is lost at the moment and, despite having a solid outing here, still has nothing to do with himself. Fortunately for him, Conway is in the same position. Essentially playing the role of Randy Orton, only with more random and obscure legends, Robby C isn't much better off. His frustrations get the best of him and the Con-Man hits Mr. Wrestling in the head with a chair, securing a DQ loss for himself and all the little Conmaniacs.

The post match brawl leads to a run-in from Jim Duggan, Kamala, and Jimmy Snuka. The trio beat up Rob and the camera shoots over to the announce table to reveal...Jerry Lawler in a Burger King mask.

Stop.

I was in the Manhattan Center the night that Jerry destroyed Tiny Tim's ukulele for calling him such a name. It was the term "Burger King" that lead to that bitter feud between Vince McMahon and Lawler in Memphis. Hell, calling him Burger King in the early '90s was on par with calling Bobby Heenan a weasel.

So how did Jerry Lawler go from freaking out whenever anyone said "Burger King" to actually wearing a Burger King mask? Did he go to therapy or something? I understand if the writers don't remember things like that, but Jerry doesn't?! Honestly, it's like Bobby Heenan wearing a weasel suit for Halloween and being totally OK with it. Anyway, the Burger King ran his burger butt to the ring and dropped a fist on Rob from the second buckle. This followed splashes from both Snuka and Kamala. Coach wonders if things can get any more "bizarre" here tonight. Wow. I can't keep up with the slang nowadays anymore. Let's see. "Legend" means "old" and "bizarre" means "boring."

Todd Grisham is dressed up like Sophia from the Golden Girls. Oh, wait. It's Harry Carey. The great Will Farrell SNL character from years ago...literally, years ago. Todd does his best impression of Harry and you have to give him an A for effort. He does the silly voice and confronts anangered Gregory Helms, who simply stares him down and walks away. Following the departure of Greg, Mick Foley arrives. He says that he's been putting together a video surprise for Carlito. Before leaving, Foley mistakes Grisham's costume for that of "the Church Lady." No, no, no, Mick. Wrong outdated Saturday Night Live character. (JG Note: I swear, I'm waiting for Eric Bischoff to go, "Chee-burger, chee-burger, chee-burger, no Coke - Pepsi.)

Commercial Break. Watch Final Destination 2 next on USA. Well, by the time you're reading this, you've already missed it. Better luck next time.

Carlito's in the ring and he's upset about tomorrow's PPV. Not for the reasons we all are (bad build up, lack of choices, overpiced). He's upset because he doesn't know which costume his opponent will be wearing. Will Mick Foley be Dude Love, Cactus Jack, or Mankind? It doesn't matter though. Mick is going down to Coolio. At Taboo Tuesday...

Triple C is cut off by the TitanTron as we watch Foley play all three characters in succession. I gotta be honest. I'm feeling like I'm kinda over Mick Foley at this point. While I guess it's fun and whimsical to have him playing three characters, it's just not the same anymore. Originally, it was supposed to be that he had multiple personalities. Now he's just some retired guy play-acting. It just seemed forced and out of place in today's wrestling landscape. It's just not the Attitude Generation anymore...no matter how hard we all close our eyes and pretend. That's not to say that this isn't an interesting concept. It's just saying that it's not what it would have been a few years ago. Thank God we have the Coach to save us all, you know?

John stands up at the broadcast postition and tells Coolio to give it all a rest. Carl's going over Foley no matter who he wrestles as. So, chill, Fro Yo. It's Coachman's turn for the spotlight. Johnny C heads to the ring and swears he will confront the Rattlesnake right here and right now! Folks, don't you dare go away.

Commercial Break. Another airing of the WWE toys grown-up novelties commercial.

Coachman has two legbraces on, which is actually funny in a ridicule-someone-else's-physical-pain sort of way. It also implies that WWE is not particularly pro-Austin now. Why? You're about to find out. Coach announces that he has back up for the night....

You'll remember the name...Goldust!

Who?

Goldust.

Who?!

Dusty's kid! I'm Dusty's kid! He works here now so I do! That's how it works. He goes to WCW. I go to WCW. He goes to TNA. I go to TNA. He's in WWE now. So am I! Now cue me already!

Goldust comes to the ring and I'm totally confused. He squats down while Johnny calls out the Sheriff one more time.

Cue Mr. McMahon.

No. Last time he threw a piece of doo-doo at me.

OK. So Vince McMahon pops out of the curtain instead of Austin. He says that Steve is not coming to Raw tonight. Apparently, he got into an accident over the weekend. (JG Note: Oh no, I hope he didn't hurt his ass. The last thing we need is McMahon pulling things out of a rubber Stone Cold butt.) VKM says that the Rattlesnake will NOT BE AT TABOO TUESDAY. Big Mac implies that Austin might actually be afraid of John Coachman. While appearing to be an angle at first, everything becomes frighteningly real the day before the big PPV. Steve's out and Goldust is here for some reason. Splendid. All we need now is Funaki or something. Fear not, Vinnie Mac says that he's chosen an opponent for the Coach tomorrow night. That substitution is Smackdown's Number One announcer...Funaki!

At this point, I have no clue what's going on. Vince says, "Get him, Funaki. Get him!" The Kaientai guy hits the ring and gets beaten up by Dustin. The Golden One finishes off the Funyon with a Curtain Call and dumps him from the ring. Unhappy over the lack of competition here, John tells Dr. Heiny to go and get him some more competition. Make it someone good.

Yeah. It's Batista. No. I have no clue what's happening here. Apparently Taboo Tuesday is falling apart on "Messy Monday." Tista arrives and undoes his cufflinks. Coachman punches the Animal in the face and just as Dave grabs his collar, he finds himself jumped by Goldy. As the World Champion is getting beaten down, only one man's music can fix all this. Only one theme song is appropriate right now. Glass breaking? Hardly. Do you smell what the rock is cooking? Not even close. No. Only one man. You know. Come on. What time is it? Tell me. Tell me the time.

It's Vader time.

It's 1992?

Vader can't even walk and that guy that lost the website name should be thanking his lucky stars right now. Van Vader beats the hell out of the World Champion and then falls on his ass as he gets out of the ring. I'm not kidding. He literally fell on his ass. He plopped right down. Taboo Tuesay is now the Coach, Goldust, and Vader against Batista. Wow. I have to tell you. I haven't watched a program for the sheer macabre train wreck effect like this one since Faces of Death. With booking like this, I'm shocked that Vince pulled JR's head out of his ass. Is he sure that there isn't a blonde in there too...you know, with huge implants? Funny enough, this match would be better without Goldust and Vader. While I understand that adding these two to the match was surprising, that doesn't make it good. A sucker punch in the mouth is surprising. That doesn't mean you enjoy getting it.

Commercial Break. Still selling them toys. There's a pretty strong push to move those electronic talking rings. If they really want to sell it, they should throw a Vader figure in with it. Vader makes everything better. So moms, don't forget the Vader.

3. Triple H pinned Viscera after a Pedigree. I have to hand it to WWE. They made good on my Insanity Dream Match from last week. All we needed was Katie Vick on a pole with Heidenreich humping Michael Cole at ringside and we'd be set. This match was fairly sloppy, but it wasn't meant to be a work of art. Helmsley squashed the Man on a Sex Mission and finished him off with an awkward Pedigree. Yay, Hunter!

After the bell, the Cerebral Assassin pounds on the World's Largest Love Machine and knocks him in the head with the ring steps. He then takes the house mic and makes the following statement to Ric Flair:

"Ric, you know better than anybody, I've done a lot of bad things in my life***. I take responsibility for all my actions. But I will not be held responsible for what I do to you at Taboo Tuesday. It's gonna be disturbing. It's gonna be brutal. But I'll do it, not because I want to, but because I have to. Because that's who I am. Ric, because it's who you used to be."
- Triple H, 10:13pm

Still to come: Poopie McPoopenstein takes on God and the chickies earn their keep with costumes. Torrie Wilson doesn't work here anymore because, you know, she's old now.

Commercial Break. Hey kids, buy Gun! It's a new video game. Oh, you thought we mean "gun" as in shoot-up your enemies gun. Ha ha ha. We can see how you'd make that mistake, kids. Well, no harm done. Ha ha ha. So funny. Anway, kids of the world go out and pick up Gun today.

The announcers run down Taboo Tuesday and this card just reeks of garbage. Taboo Garbage. They should call it that. Cause that's what it reeks like. Garbage.

Todd Grisham is backstage with John Cena. The C-Man doesn't want to hear Todd being Todd. According to the WWE Champion, "Todd Grisham is about as fun as a farting contest." He urges Grishy to act like his costume. Be Barbara Bush! (JG Note: Ha ha. He doesn't know who he is.) TG explains that he's not the former first lady. So the Champ urges him to be Orville Redenbacher. (JG Note: Ha ha. Still doesn't know.) The Grishman finally tells JC that he's Harry Carey. Fine then, Experience Host. Be Harry Carey then! Toddly obliges and does his impression. Meh. He does a good job but it's just not getting the pop that it probably got in the office. Again, the whole thing is ridiculous because it's an SNL skit from five years ago. If WWE is going to steal pop culture allusions and jokes, try not to take stuff that happened half a decade ago. Don't take the mole from Austin Powers and use it in 2005. Don't do Freddy Krueger's song from the '80s. If you're going to steal jokes, at least steal topical stuff. Flat, flat, flat. We should also mention that John isn't exactly the most popular person in the arena. Regardless, he still tries to deliver a strong promo and succeeds somewhat. Again, he seems a bit overdramatic at times, but still has an intensity in his face when he speaks. He finishes us off by saying that if we can't see that, we can't see him. Holy crap. I can't see anything! What the hell is going on!? Help! Help!

Commercial Break. USA will be airing "Traffic." Great name for a movie. People hate traffic.

4. Kane and Big show defeated the Hearthrobbs with a double pin. Romeo and Antonio are dressed like Batmen for Halloween. They were originally going to be Bo and Luke Duke, but figured they'd just be weird instead. (JG Note: They should have been Michael Seaver and Boner Stabone.) Anyway, the mid card fruitcakes dressed like Batman and Batman fought the Giant and the monster. Pick a winner. Yeah. Uh, duh.

Commercial Break. WWE Toys! They're everywhere!

The women are here to meet Jerry Lawler in the ring. They all have costumes on. Tomorrow night you can vote on their costumes. Sound good? Good. For now, let's just oggle at them. Everyone except for Mrs. Kidman. She's, you know, old. They are:

Ashley - A Dark Angel. Not Dark Angel in the sense of the TV show that Lita broke her neck on. She was a Dark Angel in the half-naked sense.

Maria - An Angel. Jerry called her a Victoria's Secret Angel. Does he mean like a dead Victoria's Secret model? What a sick bastard.

Candice Michelle - Catwoman. She has the best entrance as she slides up the aisle. They also gave her a whip. Considering that they introduced a magic wand to her act last week, it seems pretty dumb to not make her some sort of fairy something.

Mickie James - Trish Stratus. This was funny. She looked a lot like Trish.

Victoria - A baseball player.

Trish Stratus - Wonder Woman.

The King confronts Stalker Mickie about her Stratus-costume. She seems proud of her weird obsession. Jerry turns the talk to the public vote and asks the audience to applaud for the costume they like most. The contest doesn't get far because Miss Mickie takes the microphone and chastises the audience for cheering on the other girls when they should be cheering on Trish. Victoria confronts her and says to calm down. Instead of calming, James does a slapping and lets Vicki have it. There's a brief exchange and Alexis ends up kicking Toria to the outside. This leads to a big giggly girl brawl that includes Candice Michelle being used like a parachute at a kid's party. The fans sit on their hands. Yes. WWE took models in Halloween costumes and found a way to make it boring to an arena full of oversexed men.

Commercial Break. The new Tony Hawk game has no loading screens. I can't even imagine. Do you know how much of our lives we'd all have back if there were no loading screens?

5. Shawn Michaels and John Cena fought to a no-contest after interference from Kurt Angle. Shawn Michaels wore the most flamboyant outfit ever to the ring. Ever. Ridiculous. No wonder those 3000 marines beat him up in 1995. Gotta say, WWE is putting a lot on these two to carry the end of a vapid show. To make matters worse, the crowd here hates Cena. They hate him. At best, he gets low boos. The announcers continue to play into the fact that the entire fabric of the show is coming undone by calling the entire evening "bizarro." Bizarro doesn't sell pay-per-views, though. Quality does. As the final segment before a Tuesday pay show, WWE needed something big to hard sell us home. They didn't get it, though. Instead they got an apathetic crowd and a slow paced match finished off by a screwjob Kurt Angle attack.

After the bell, the Thug Doctor picked up Kurt for the F-U, but was pegged by an HBK Superkick. Both JC and the Olympian fall to the mat while the Boy Toy holds aloft the spinny title belt. Sexy Boy rings over the sound system and we fade to black.

All in all..I cannot even tell you how drained I am at this point. This has been, without a doubt, the most hollow episode of Raw in a long time. Nothing seemed to be happening and when things did happen, they made the stories worse.

Vader and Goldust? What? Is this some sort of weird bet they have going on to see how crazy they can make this show? What's worse is that the choices for Taboo voting remain the same! What the hell are they gonna debate about? How do you have a 3-on-1 arm wrestling match?! I don't get it! To let Leon White punk out Batista and then watch him fall on his ass is a snapshot of many things WWE is doing wrong when it comes to booking today. Oh what a rush.

There was a lot of filler tonight too. It was a really empty show. I don't know how else to describe it. Considering that there's a pay show tomorrow, I had hoped they would deliver more than they did. Instead, I feel empty like when you eat too much candy instead of nutritious vegetables. You're full, but not full with anything of sustenance.