JG's Retro Raw Insanity
JG's Retro Raw Insanity: 10/28/02 The Orginal Proctology Skit
By James Guttman
Oct 25, 2005, 20:01

New Skit: Found Here

(JG Note: OK, so it wasn't called "Raw Insanity back then, but it's still topical. Stay tuned, by the way, the repost of the Katie Vick Raw Insanity is on it's way soon...)

Detroit, Michigan – Joe Louis Arena

Having watched WWF/E programming for the past 20 years, I have seen the closing moments of every show that has aired before it. I have seen countless endings of “Murder She Wrote”, “Walker – Texas Ranger”, and now “Star Trek – The Next Generation”. In that brief moment of darkness that engulfs the screen between the closing credits of The Next Generation and WWE’s montage lead in, there is that moment of wonder. Every week we ponder…is this the week they turn it around? You’re disappointed, delighted, or just left flat. Well, there’s only one way to find out. Let’s all join hands, take a deep breath, and jump right in.

Cameras begin to roll as we see the crowd tinted in blue lighting and a funeral organ being played over the PA. Already I do not like the looks of this. Could it be for HHH? Could it be his next destination after being locked in Kane’s trunk last week? Is he planning on having simulated intercourse with another inanimate object for his own demented pleasure? Is that the Undertaker’s old music?

Cue the opening. Once again I stand by the fact that you can see quick clips of each member of Raw’s roster and realize that there is enough pure talent here to put on an acceptable show. No more Kaluha at the writing meetings.

We blend right into Hunter Hearst Helmsley’s entrance music. It can’t be Triple H, though. He was locked in Kane’s trunk last week. It can’t be, it’s…. Oh it IS Triple H. He was in a trunk last week when we went off the air, right? Hold on – let me look up last week’s report. Yes. Yes, he was in a trunk. J.R. and the King join my confusion by asking the same question. Thank god, I thought I was losing it.

Hunter takes the microphone and explains that he pulled the “little child safety lock” on the trunk and escaped. Oh! I get it. It’s not that they were just going to pretend the trunk thing didn’t happen – they’re gonna make up a stupid reason for his escape. Got it! HHH talks about the tape that was shown last week and gloats over the negative attention it generated. However, according to “The Game”, if Katie Vick is not offended, then it should be ok. So, he asked Katie to be here this week. At this point, he leaves the ring and approaches the coffin at ringside and removes the same “corpse” that he violated last week. He makes some of the worst “dead” analogies I’ve heard since…. Well since last week. Seriously, “Wow, Katie, you’re dead heavy” – he said that. He then props the mannequin on his knee and amuses himself for the next few minutes with a ventriloquist act. Classic HHH (JG Note: ‘Classic HHH’ means it was corny and made him look like a tool that was attempting to be what he believed was ‘cool’ but had no point of reference). He closes by justifying his actions and claiming he can do whatever he wants.

“Stand back…. There’s a Hurricane coming through!!!!”

For the second week in a row, Hurricane Helms breaks up the Hunter show and jumps into my good graces. He delivers some hurri-lines to the Game, but is met by a mild response from a crowd that was just put to sleep by the “Cerebral Assassin” (JG Note: That’s because his act is so bad, it kills brain cells). Helms questions HHH’s claim that he escaped the trunk of the car and brings footage of Hunter in the hospital last Monday night.

Footage airs. These are the moments when you people should feel guilty for not sending me money. They show a man bent over a table in a proctologists office. The man is wearing a Hunter mask that changes expressions (they moved the camera and changed the masks). The “doctors” remove items from “Hunter’s” rectum as his expressions change.

Item 1. Sledgehammer (Angry HHH face)
Item 2. Some sort of long connected colored handkerchief chain (like a magician uses – Frown HHH face)
Item 3. Hand (call back to Mae Young giving birth to a hand on Raw a few years ago – bad angle, too – Same Face)
Item 4. Squirrel (Yelling HHH Face)
Item 5. Gear Shift (Same Face)
Item 6. Steering Wheel (required chisel to remove – Same Face)
Item 7. Triple H Mask (Smiley HHH face)

I just saved you five minutes. It was pointless and just unfunny. I can’t imagine the mentality of people who would write that skit and think it’s hilarious. Hunter then proceeds to beat up the mannequin of Katie Vick. It was totally pointless and for all intents and purposes, defied logic. For all it was worth, the last ten minutes of this show could have been in Chinese Pig Latin Sign Language. I would have had the same understanding of it then. Well, Kane must have found it as enthralling as I because his music hits and he rushes the ring. He attacks Hunter and the two roll around the ring. They take out security and the Puff Daddy himself, Uncle Eric Bischoff brings his referees to the ring to separate them (JG Note: They beat up security guards, so you send the refs into to stop them? Gotcha). The refs are followed by some of the Heat Taping Team (sounds impressive, no?). He orders them apart and books a match between the two for later on tonight. Hunter versus Kane in a casket match. So much for PPV – we’re getting it tonight. I wish Katie Vick were alive to see this.

Commercial Break. Steven Seagal’s new movie is “Half Past Dead”. HHH thought it was a ‘dirty movie’.

F-View shows Trish Stratus in her locker room on the cell phone. The F-View was presented as a “G-TV” type of skit in that the wrestler did not know they were being taped. There was no reason for this clip except to show Trish Stratus taking her clothes off – which isn’t that big of a deal if you have internet access and cable.

1. Lance Storm and William Regal defeated Rob Van Dam and Tommy Dreamer when Regal pinned Dreamer.
William Regal takes the mic and berates the Americans for partaking in Halloween. They hate Halloween? How evil they must be. Next week they’re going to cut a promo about how they hate little baby koala bears. You know, I didn’t realize how much Lance Storm’s new ring attire resembled Ken Shamrock’s until Lance pointed it out on his webiste. Now, I can’t stop thinking about it. It looks as though it’s Rob Van Dam’s turn to play the ferris wheel of booking by going to the Raw opener this week.. The only way easier to kill a wrestler’s heat than leaving him off the card, is to fluctuate his position on it drastically and often. There seems to be no real direction planned out for these four men. The match itself is perfectly acceptable, and all the participants put on a great show. Here’s a newsflash for those who wear the suits to Stamford, if a wrestler performs their heart out weekly for you and finds his character with no real direction due to poor story writing, he will eventually become apathetic. Go watch those old WCW tapes you own now. You’ll get my meaning. Finish saw Storm hit Dreamer with a flagpole shot and Regal get the pinfall.

With his pores overflowing with bitter rage, Eric Bischoff lectures Rosey, Jamal, and Rico on their inability to defend his honor (and get him yummy munchkins from Dunkin Donuts). He tells them that he made them “big stars” (JG Note: Huh?). You know what? That’s enough. Eric is hungry and if the Island Boys don’t impress him tonight, then they’re three minutes are up.

Commercial Break. Call 1-800-CALL-ATT free for you, cheap for them. Hey, how about just having a quarter? That’s 25 cents for you and free for them. If you call people collect all the time, they stop accepting the charges after a while.

This past Saturday, fans lined up outside the MSG box office to buy their tickets for the Survivor Series and meet Eric Bischoff. Throughout the day, Eric Bischoff ate 4 children and a homeless guy who was playing the trumpet for change outside Penn Station.

Stacie Kiebler has very long legs. Very very very very very long legs. She struts over to Test and takes a seat at the table he is sitting at. She explains to him that the Rock has the people (Rock?), Kane has the Kaneanites (Is he still doing that?), and Hulk Hogan has Hulkamaniacs (Hulk Hogan? Is she watching any recent programming?). She whispers to Test her idea for his fans. Yup…before the brain cells even drop from your ears, you can predict it. Testicles. Test has Testicles. An 11-year-old boy that fell off the jungle gym and hit his head writes Raw. Testicles. These are the same people who let Hunter hump the mannequin.

Introducing the challengers for the Raw Tag Team Titles….Bubba Ray and Spike Dudley. Three minutes too soon I would imagine, as Eric Bischoff’s Island Boys and Rico decimate them. What will become of Spike? He obviously won’t be able to wrestle this week. Hey Bubba Ray, you enjoying the ferris wheel, too? Rob Van Dam was riding it earlier. False start. No match. Dudleys are out of the running.

Commercial Break. Steven Seagal Movie “Half Past Dead” is shown. I really have nothing to say about this film. It looks like all his other movies that have three words in the title. Instead, I leave you with this piece of info: 70% of house dust is made up of dead skin flakes. You’re welcome.

Battista’s gimmick is not really grabbing me. To the best of what I can tell, he’s a guy that is really into working out. Hey, at least he’s not on Smackdown. It would be impossible to put him on the same show with a monster like Brock Lesnar and get him over as a genetic monster. What’s that? They signed Scott Who? Oh no.

2.Test defeated Goldust after a big boot
Test greets all his “testicles”. At least it’s something for him to do. JR and Jerry mention Scott Steiner. I have to say that I am excited about Scott coming in and I’ll tell you why. If you look at Booker T’s position in the company, you can see that someone who can be a star in the dying WCW, can get over on Raw. Not too many people rose to the upper level in WCW during it’s final days – Scott Steiner did. I have no doubt that he will make a significant impact on this company. Will he save the product? I didn’t say that…but he has a good shot at it. Match has good back and forth as it culminates to Goldust kissing Stacey (last week Vicki…if only he can get that little hottie, Katie Vick). He puts Stacey and Test in opposite corners and comes at Kiebler for the “Shattered Dreams”. Ref steps in between them and is slapped by Stacey. She hits a low blow on Dust and Test nails him with the big boot. Three seconds later, Test has beaten Goldustin. Hey Dust, off the ferris wheel…you’re ride is done tonight, if you weeeelll.

Eric Bischoff meets up with Bubba Ray Dudley. Bubba is livid because Spike is out of action and his tag title match is off (JG Note: Shouldn’t he be livid that they split up him and D-Von and he still has to do tag duty?). Eric understands and allows Bubba to choose any partner he wants. (JG Note: I hope it’s Viscera) Bubba is delighted. Eric is …well, Eric is bloated.

Commercial Break.

Scott Steiner Promo. Holla if you hear him!

Recap of Shawn Michaels at World last week. Just as HBK gets up from his wheel chair, RNN Breaking News cuts in. Randy Orton is the culprit behind the interjecting vignette as he continues to pick from the same cookie jar as Matt Hardy’s “ignorant egomaniac” gimmick and plead for more cards and letters. Didn’t they get like 1300 last week? Oh that was about the HHH angle – now I remember.

Kane is confronted by Coach and questioned about his match with Hunter this week. The match has been scheduled to be a non-title match. Kane only has revenge on his mind. He leans back and gives us a big smile. That Kane has such nice teeth…who is his dentist?

Jim Ross hypes the Game versus Kane (in the rain, with a plane, and a candy cane)

Fruity tights Christian and “Y2J+2” Chris Jericho are walking to the ring with their titles around their waists. Who will be Bubba’s partner (please Viscera).

Commercial Break. Western Union – the fastest way to save money. Remember how in Back to the Future, he Western Unioned himself that letter 100 years in the future? That was wild. It was also more believable than the Katie Vick thing.

Recap of Jericho making Trish submit to the Walls of Jericho.

Hour change as Jericho and Christian walk to the ring.

3.Chris Jericho and Christian beat Bubba Ray Dudley and Jeff Hardy when Jericho pinned Jeff Hardy
Bubba climbs aboard the Raw Ferris Wheel and makes room for Jeff, who might as well do a swanton off of it. Although I must admit, Jeff’s entrance does a great job in dragging me into his fluorescent madness. It’s as if all these guys were promoted at work and then the next week were put back in their old jobs with no explanation and the guys in their departments were all gone. Bubba, Christian, and Jeff were all ripped from their successful tag teams in order to pursue singles gold. Jericho was the Undisputed Champion no more than 6 months ago. You guys still watching those WCW tapes from earlier? Good match, with Bubba again doing his Road Dogg impressions. Solid action and if anything, this contest underscores the need for a solid storyline surrounding these men. At one point, Jeff flies over the top and flattens the Chris’s, followed by a Bubba Ray attack from the top buckle to the heels on the floor. The Island Boys come out, but do no good as Bubba and Jeff regain control in time to send me to the …

Commercial Break. Drive Hard with Castrol GTX, unless you have “amaxaphobia” which is a fear of riding in cars (JG Note: I look things up on the internet when I’m getting sleepy).

The camera rewinds to show what we missed out on during the break. Jeff Hardy took another 5 years off his life…and no one even saw it live. Way to pick your battles, Jeff. Solid match-up, top to bottom with Bubba and Jeff doing the classic tag team moves with each other. Jeff and Jericho put on a highspot show before The Island Boys emerged on the ramp and dangled Spike Dudley upside down. Bubba chased them to the back and left Jeff to get double-teamed by Team Chris(tian) Jericho. Finish saw a ref bump lead to a shot to the head with the tag title on Hardy. Jericho hits a lionsault and retains the tag title via pin. Great match. I wish there was something to it. Good match anyway.

Jonathon Coachman is interviewing HHH. I can’t get enough of Triple H. He goes on to talk about his miraculous escape from the trunk last week and how Kane wanted to “Screw Him”. (JG Note: Isn’t HHH the guy who got it on with a dummy in a coffin last week? Yeah, I think Kane is the freaky one in this situation). Phone rings and Hunt takes off. Interview ends and the mysterious F-View picks up Hunter on the cell phone with Ric Flair. Pointless. Flair is tied up. Trips is upset about the match with Kane. It’s just dead air. It would have been more enjoyable if they just skipped all this and added 2 minutes to the ….

Commercial Break. When a part of your body falls asleep it is due to the nerves in that body part being under undue pressure thus inhibiting the senses sent to the brain. With that said, see “Half Past Dead” starring Steven Seagal and sit on your own head.

Al Snow and Chris Nowinski go face to face. Nowinski is busy playing chess. Al Snow is upset with Chris and explains that he is looking out for him. Christopher doesn’t need Al. He didn’t need Al at Tough Enough and he doesn’t need him now. In fact, he’ll wrestler anyone Al Snow chooses. Could it be? Viscera?

“I’m Back….and Better than Ever…”

Bischoff wobbles to the ring and announces that in exchange for the Big Show, he has received an assortment of talent from Smackdown. He claims that he is the head honcho of Raw and continues blending the line between reality and fantasy, thus setting himself up to be blamed for this debacle when it fails. The F-View that you’ve been seeing tonight– who’s behind it? Eric Bischoff, but no one cares. The crowd goes dead as he explains the “Elimination Chamber”. He promises a cross between Survivor Series, Royal Rumble and War Games (which does not get the pop that Eric was expecting). The match will be for the WWE title and will feature: HHH, Y2J, Booker T, RVD, Kane, and Shawn Michaels. Now I understand why we get the casket match tonight. Looks like we’ll be reshuffling the crew following the Chamber. Eric gives HBK one week to get back to him on the match. Booker T interrupts this little party and berates Eric. He continues to light the arena up and sends Eric on his angry little way. Now can you dig that…SUCKA!!!!!!!!!!!!! . Booker versus Nowinski is up next and once again…no Viscera.

Commercial Break. Remember last week when I said not to rent that Godzilla game for the Gamecube because it was so bad? Well, since then I replayed it and I must say that it really is terrible. Don’t rent it. You’re welcome.

4. Christopher Nowinski defeated Booker T. via disqualification when Al Snow interfered
Booker can’t even get on the Ferris Wheel anymore. I’m convinced the he shot Vince McMahon’s dog or something because he’s getting jobbed out to everyone. I can understand wanting to jack up this Tough Enough angle with Chris and Al Snow…but at the expense of the most over guy on the roster? A guy who’s booked to be in your Chamber thing next month? I like Christopher Nowinski, I really do. I think he has an amazing amount of talent, but when does someone take a step back and say “Wow, we’re really screwing up a good thing here.” How many times do you have to “disagree with the internet” before you realize that there are a few points we’re right about? Booker T is being misused - end of story. Finish saw Nowinski punch Snow on the outside and then get jumped by his former Tough Enough Trainer. Booker gets revenge on both men and celebrates with a “spinaroonie”. Camera pans the casket just to remind us of the stupid things on this show.

Trish is walking….with her clothes on.

Tough Enough 3. Jonah is in the same fraternity I am (Kappa Sigma – only he went to Florida). Also, I think one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen was him asking “Why are you mad?” to that Jill girl after he explained that he’s had a girlfriend the entire time he’s been ‘minorly involved’ with her. Nothing like playing the ignorant game. “Why are you mad?” – hehe, classic.

Commercial Break. Local Commercial for us on Long Island….Tire Town in Rockville Center. Give them a ring and dial down the center

5. Trish defeated Molly Holly and Jaqueline via pinfall over Molly to retain the Women’s title
Here’s something to think about next time you can’t fall asleep: Does Jaqueline fully understand her character’s position? I feel like she’s not good or bad. She’s not a ref or a manager or a wrestler, but a weird hybrid of all three. When someone says to her “Oh, you wrestle? What kind of character do you play?”, what answer does she give? She can wrestle though, that’s one thing. These ladies have a talent level today that hasn’t been seen in US women’s wrestling in years. I just wish they could find a way to present it as more than silicone with mat wrestling ability. I feel that it cheapens their efforts when the background for the match is mundane. Victoria is seen watching the match on a monitor in the back. Finish saw Trish hit a springboard bulldog on Molly Holly for the win.

Up next…two men…one match…one had intercourse with a dead body…the other one doesn’t really know Stephanie McMahon that well.

Commercial Break. Could you imagine how much free stuff TNN employees must get with “CSI” logos on them? Mugs and hats and t-shirts and stationary and tote bags and note books and pens and…

6.Kane beat Triple H in a non-title Casket Match
Well, there you have it. Kane gets his non-title victory. The funny thing is that Hunter actually feels that this is his way of “giving back” to Kane. The crowd was really out of it at this point and seriously it’s hard to blame them. The night has featured some great matches with little or no storyline advancement/swerves. The rollercoaster ride had lead us to this contest, which is weighed down by terrible booking and lackluster energy. It makes you question a writing team that seems to have sunk 90% of their energy into one angle and that one doesn’t seem to come close to selling the match. Classic casket moments that see Hunter teetering and then regaining his composure. Followed by a reversal onto the Big Red Machine and then an attempt to stuff him in the coffin. The general feeling throughout the arena was that this match needed to wrap up and send us home happy. The big finish came when Hunter laid out Kane with two chairshots and Shawn Michaels sprung out of the coffin and attacked. HBK jacked up the crowd as he laid out the “Game” with a superkick. Kane rose from the mat, lifted Hunter and planted him with a chokeslam. He rolled Trips into the casket and closed the win for the victory. As the fire burned and Kane’s music morphed into Shawn Michael’s theme, we bid farewell to this edition of Raw. The cameras captured Michaels dancing atop of the casket as we fade to black.

All in All… I think that’s it. For all the huffing and puffing and boasts and threats, I wasn’t too “appalled” by Vince’s product this week. There seemed to be a general feeling around the show that Katie Vick’s murder was being phased out. It wasn’t mentioned throughout the show and the focus seemed to shift to the “Elimination Chamber”. It can only be a welcome change, and the entrance of Scott Steiner coupled with the 6 faces pushed at the Survivor Series presents a strong and exciting position for this brand of WWE. I only hope that better judgement prevails in the long run and the right people are given the opportunities they deserve. In a nutshell, this show was an improvement on the previous shows, but that is not saying much. Another week passes where I applaud the wrestling ability presented and sleep through the promos and storylines. I’m going to give it the benefit of the doubt and chalk this week up to tying up loose ends before we start fresh. Next week…let’s see what you guys can do. Eh…who am I kidding? If the ratings don’t change, we’ll have Hunter riding a dead body for 2 hours. Now, I did this for you…you meet me in the Lounge on Thursday. You owe me! Be Well.