Back to the Intro: Interactive Wrestling Arena

By James Guttman

Well that was fun. Figured we'd try something different. Why not, right? Hey. If they can turn Linda for the sake of surprising people, then I can try an opening devoid of any real statement. Speaking of which, it's time for Raw. What did the McMahons have to say tonight? Were there big problems without Jim Ross? Who replaced him? The answer to all these questions can be found below. Just read on. It's less painful than watching.

Video from last week of JR. saying he's sorry that Stephanie's momma got Stunned. Then Stephanie's momma comes out and cuts his nuts off. Chop - chop - Bam!

Raw Theme Plays. This is the anthem get your damn hands up.

Here comes the one eyed, one horned, blind, purple chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, Mr. Vince McMahon. Old Vinnie Mac welcomes us all to Monday Night Rahhhhh. First order of business is to announce "Taboo Tuesday," coming atcha in two weeks. It's so big that he's even asked Raw's neutered General Manager Eric Bischoff to select a main event worthy of such an amazing show. Why amazing? Well, according to Big Mac, it's the most innovative pay-per-view of WWE's year (JG Note: Which is impressive because WWE has 4000 pay per views a year now.) What makes things even funnier is that Vince says that he's putting the power into the hands of the fans and allowing them to vote for things on the TT card. Yes. It's the same fans he fired last week. Now he's giving you power. Right. Then from there, we recall Jim Ross's big brown eyes and how he was forlorn when Linda kicked him in the groin. Now although that was entertaining to the McMahon family, one person didn't find it entertaining. That person is Stone Cold Steve Austin! The Bionic Redneck is rumored to be on his way to the arena. So be it. Bring it on Steve-o. Mr. McDaddy promises to kick yo' ass if you do! The crowd starts an "asshole" chant and Vinnie asks that they stop talking "about your hometown." Duh. Let's cue a J.R. humiliation video so we can all laugh at good ol' Rossy.

WWE Humiliation Video of J.R. (JG Note: Really though, are there any other types of WWE J.R. Videos?)

Vinnie Mac then introduces Jim's replacement. There's a dramatic pause and John Coachman comes out. You know what's sad? Im those eight seconds before Coach's music hit, I convinced myself it might actually be someone good. Instead I got Johnny C in a black cowboy hat. Whoo-hoo! Blah.

Coachy immediately jumps into dipstick mode and starts shouting insults about Ross's age and size. All of that is window dressing, though. The mighty JC says that he's here to pick up the slack of Diana Ross's brother and be "the new voice of the people."

In the locker room area, Kurt Angle runs into Vince. He requests that he be named number one contender after his defeat of John Cena last week. Mac says that he's on his way to the office of Eric Bischoff. If he can give him a few min...Pheeeewwww.....Hurricane Helms flies in, but he doesn't time his actions to go with flying noise. Rather than ignore this, Vinnie says, "You're a little late on the sound effect, but go ahead." I'd say that he made Hurricane look stupid by doing that, but Helms didn't need any help in that department. Instead it's his silly Daily Planet speak and the fact that he got his ass kicked that made him look stupid, not Vince. Oh, did I mention that? Angle kicked his ass. Why? Well, because Mr. McMahon said "Sic him, Kurt! Sic him!" I kid you not. Woof woof, your Olympic Dog Lover does as he is told.

1. Kurt Angle forced Hurricane Helms to tap out to the Anklelock. This match meant nothing. It had nothing to do with the wrestlers. It had nothing to do with the moves. This was all about John Coachman doing his impression of Jim Ross over and over again. I don't know why this is funny. Keep in mind, I'm not all rah-rah J.R. It's not that I love Ross and find it to be insulting. I just find it to be stupid. Why do I have to sit here and listen to WWE laugh at the announcing of one of their employees? Do that shit at the water cooler. Take a late lunch to Chilli's and laugh about Jim over a basket of riblets. Why the hell do I have to hear it? By the way, Hurricane lost by tap out. I still have no clue what his superpower is. He can job cleanly in single bound, I guess.

After the bell, Kurt continued the attack until a bevy of referees came to save the superhero from further harm.

Coming up, Mick Foley is on Carlito's Cabana.

Commercial Break. See Saw? I saw Saw Too!

Hide your daughters, Jerry Lawler has arrived and he's crownless. The tardy King takes his spot at the the announce table next to Good ol' J.C.

Backstage, Mr. McMahon is face to face with Private Eric Bischoff. He asks Easy E if he enjoyed the way he said "Sic him, Kurt. Sic him. Sic him." Bisch gives him the Twilight Zone kid treatment and says it was "really, really good." That's all small talk. What Mac really wants to know is who has Eric chosen to main event Taboo Tuesday? ATM Eric tells him that it will be a three way match for the World Title. It's Kurt Angle versus John Cena versus...the surviving winner of the following qualifier matches. What qualifiers? How about Shawn Michaels versus Carlito? Cool. How about Big Show versus Edge? Big. Finally, how's about an 18 man battle royal to mark the third winner? Then we take all them winners and we put them up for a vote. Let's let the fired fans pick the third member of that Triple Threat Match! Vinnie likes the concept because he has a short term memory and forgot that he's supposed to hate Eric and the audience.

I told you to cue Lita.

I did. She's on Edge.

She's nervous?

No. She's on Edge.

Oh.

1. Big Show pinned Edge after a Chokeslam. Before the match, Show threw his shirt into the crowd and Coachman says that it has to stink. I wouldn't doubt it. This was another match that was overshadowed by all the chit chatter at ringside. It's annoying. I get that the idea is to have Coachman suck on announcing. I get that he's trying to be annoying. The only thing is that this is a pretty big risk to take for an angle. People tuning in casually while channel surfing aren't going to see an announcer playing a part. They're going to think "Holy crap, this guy's annoying." Click. Now that's not cynicism. That's reality. If this was all being done to sell a money making story, I could understand taking this risk. Sadly, I don't think J.R. v Linda McMahon is going to sell out enough arenas to justify this. The finale to this one showed that WWE likes to piss off the crowd. They played JBL's music as Edge was about to swing the Money in the Bank Briefcase. He was startled and Show pinned him. Then...get this....Bradshaw didn't show up! No one did! Ahhhh! They're like, "Look, almost made you care...psyche!"

Commercial Break. There's a guy who spent all of his money on a plane ticket to Chicago so he could stand in line and buy a WrestleMania ticket. If Darwinism really exists, we should all eat that guy.

Backstage, Eric Bischoff is telling Edge and Lita that Raw is the best brand in the world. Considering there's only two brands, I would say that's not so impressive. Anyway, Copeland is just like T.O.ed over JBL's music playing. Bisch tells him to go to Smackdown and take care of it. Adam agrees. He's excited about this opportunity to go to the other brand...and try to bag some of their divas.

It's Cabana time and Carlito starts us off with talk about his contest with Shawn Michaels tonight. Carly is gonna triumph and that's cool. He then directs us to a picture of Jim Ross on the TitanTron, as an example of something that's "not cool." Then Mrs. Foley's baby boy comes home...to Sacramento...even though he's from Long Island.

In other words, Mick Foley bang bangs his way back to Raw and takes a spot on Carlto's show. First, Foley rips on his hairdo. Then he turns attention to something that is "uncool." That thing is Jim Ross. He ain't cool. He is, however, the best damn wrestling announcer period. In fact, when Linda McMahon fired Rossy, it was surprising. Cactus Mick always considered Lindy Mac the voice of reason in the McMahon family...

"Hey Mick, up here. Let me interrupt you right there. First of all, let me state that fan response at WWE.com has been overwhelming. Thousands of emails and phone calls, the majority of which express concern for Jim Ross. But understood that in business, you sometimes have to make the tough decisions. Now it is a fact that tomorrow Jim Ross goes in for colon surgery. But I've heard rumors that Jim has been telling people that my kick to his groin exacerbated his condition. Now Jim, that's a lie. But if you're contemplating a lawsuit or any action, rest assured that my company and my family are prepared to defend ourselves at all costs. Now having said that, Jim, on behalf of the Mcmahon family, we wish you nothing but the best in all of your future endeavors. And we thank you for all your years of meritorious service. And we hope that everyone will join us in praying for your good health. So, there you have it, Mick. Oh, and Mick...have a nice day."
- Linda McMahon, 9:45pm

So much for heel charisma. She sounded like a kid delivering a class presentation. You know what else is ridiculous? How can she defend herself in a courtroom? She kicked her employee in the balls on cable television. Last I checked, Johnny Cochran was dead, Mrs. McMahon.

Carl sums it all up by comparing Foley to Ross. They're both "out of shape, unemployed loser(s)." That's uncool. It makes Coolio wonder, so he asks his guest how it feels to be so uncool. Dude Love admits he's not cool. Even more, he doesn't want to be cool. He doesn't do cool things. However, that doesn't mean he's not cool. No, no, no, according to Mick "The Icon of Humility" Foley, fans talk to him and walk away thinking that he's cool. Yeah. That's right. They friggin love him! He's like a big lovey doll. Now you, Triple C, are a different story. You have cool things, but you don't have a cool heart. No, no, no. Fans meet you and they're like "Carlito is a horse's ass." Yup. They say that, Horsy. Now Mankind has one question, "What are you gonna do about it?"

CC grabs an apple and takes a bite. The Hardcore Legend with the "Spit in my face" fetish dares him to do it. In fact, forget "eating produce, worry if you can produce in this very ring tonight!" (JG Note: I swear he said that. It came off really forced.) Cactus went on to predict that Shawn Michaels will beat Sideshow Justin Guarini and that would be "cool." Cue the music, exit Foley. Bang bang. You know what? I'm kinda bored at this point.

Commercial Break. Nashville Star is coming back to USA. They need to hire Don West so he can scream throughout the whole show.

I told you to cue Shawn Michaels.

I did. He's on Edge.

Oh.

3. Shawn Michaels pinned Carlito after the Sweet Chin Music. This wasn't the barn burner you might expect. Then again, I don't know what you might expect. In many ways, Carlito has yet to prove himself in situations like this. It just felt like the type of contest that stayed in first gear the whole time. The crowd responded in kind and never really showed any emotion either way. Coach has this gem about Michaels, "If his heart his beating, he's still competing." (JG Note: Cheating, beating, and trick-or-treating also work in that rhyme scheme) Just as I'm getting over that, HBK lands a flying forearm and Coachman calls it the "flying burrito." Not just that, he repeats it. We follow up the Mexican food with a Superkick attempt that finally wakes the fans up. Coolio blocks it and rolls up Shawn, yet only scores a two count. Then there's an obligatory ref bump and Carly retrieves a ringside chair. He swings, misses, and eats some Chin Music. 1,2,3. Cue "Sexy Boy." Don't be shocked by this win. You know what they say about Shawn. "If his heart is beating, he's trick-or-treating."

As the Man Toy take his leave, Ric Flair enters. Don't go away folks. You're about to witness a bloody good time.

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Ric Flair is in mid sentence when we get back. He's got a bandage on his head and tonight's ish is about Triple H. It's about what he did last week. He took it upon himself to decide that Ric should retire. Now, at this point, Flair's wound seems to open up under the band-aid and bleed. I saw this and thought, "Hmmm. Pretty gross. That could be bad." Holy God, was I ever understating things.

He starts off by saying that he once held the brass ring. He was once the best in the business. Now Trips has that brass ring. He's the best. Yet, Flair questions that. He may be twenty years older, but - by God - he can drop an elbow on his sports coat. Whooo!

The Nature Boy then starts to tell us all his stories of bad luck. He reminded me of Hurly from the TV show Lost. First there was the plane crash. You know, Flair's plane went down. It killed the pilot and crippled two wrestlers. Well, six months later, RF was wearing gold! Whooo! Then in 1981, Slick Ric was holding an umbrella. Lightning struck it and it bounced off the umbrella, hit the guy two feet away, and killed him! Whoooo! Wait...what? (JG Note: Guns don't kill people. Ric Flair's umbrella kills people.) He swears it's true and I believe him because that's a pretty insane thing to make up. At this point, the blood starts to flow down his face, so Ric...uh...