| From WorldWrestlingInsanity.com JG's Raw Insanity
Poe's 2005 Raven Starring Vince
McMahon
Ah, distinctly I remember it was right before November, And the stories, we were certain, would respin tales
behind the curtain Years went by and I grew stronger; competition exists
no longer, Deep into that darkness peering, U.F.C. I was not fearing, Back inside my office smiling, with leather couch and
fancy tiling, Open here I flung the door, when, with many a flirt and
flutter, Then this nutcase here beguiling my weathered face into
smiling, Much I marvelled this ex rassler, to growl at me, that
crazy bastard, But this Hellwig, standing lonely by the Hunter bust,
spoke only, Startled at the stillness broken by reply so strongly
spoken, But this Hellwig still beguiling as Tommy Dreamer did
his filing, This I sat engaged in guessing, was he here to get my
blessing? Then, methought, things got tenser, I'd rather be locked
in a room with Lesnar `Enough!' said I, `thing of evil! - washed-up now, a
suited devil! - `Enough!' said I, `thing of evil! - washed-up now, a
suited devil! - `Yeah that's great, Now get departing, Ultimate Jerk!'
I shrieked upstarting - And this Hellwig, never merry, still is stewing, still
is buried
***
By James Guttman
Well hello, hello. Glad you found us. Now I know how Vince McMahon feels when they switch channels. Anyway, the Raw Insanity has finally debuted on WorldWrestlingInsanity.com. I thought it was fitting to do "the Raven," only updating it for today. Speaking of updates, are there any updates on Linda McMahon and her family's well being this week? Did WWE's Homecoming really serve as a rebirth for Monday Night Raw or was it just another brick out of the wall of Vince and his family's McFuture. Who will be fired in order to right all the wrongs that took place last week? Only one way to find out. You have to read on. Then again, you could have just watched the show. That would be another way to find out. OK. Two ways. There's two ways to find out. Then again, someone could have just told you about it. Damnit! Whatever. There's many ways to find out. One of them is to read on. Just do that… (JG Note: By the way, I was the one doing the Raw Real Time Results tonight. I'm going to be doing that every Monday, since I usually take notes on the show anyway. ) Last Monday, WWE had a homecoming on USA. Vince lied about some dates and then got beat up. After that, the rest of the McMahons got beatings. Well, all except Ed McMahon 'cause he's da bomb, yo. Raw Theme Plays. Yes. The same Raw Theme. Why they wouldn't want to give this program a cosmetic make-over to go with their switch to USA, I'll never know. That's what you're supposed to do. When I decided to do the Raw Insanities here on WorldWrestlingInsanity.com, I went out and got me a weave. The reasons why God keeps sending the Earth natural disasters, Stephanie McMahon, has arrived. To her "All Grown Up" theme, Miss Steph makes her approach. The announcers are all nestled, snug at their table. None of them have been fired ...yet. They all talk about Mrs. H's beatdown at the hands of the Texas Rattlsnake Steve Austin last week. The top-heavy blonde starts us off with a trip down memory lane. Last week, she was served her punk card by Stone Cold. It was supposed to be a great night for the McMahons, but it was ruined! The crowd cheers for the ruined show. Then she runs down each family member who was beat up and references the WWE.com poll that saw the audience vote for her astheir favorite Stunner victim! (Stephanie Tanner Note: How ruuuuude!) She can't grasp the problem here. Actually, she can. Stepher says that the comments on the Internet tell her that the people just don't like her. (JG Note: Comments like this one: "I don't like Stephanie.) She says it's because we're all jealous. Women want her body, brains, and priviledged life. The men are well...get this one... "Men are also intimidated by
my beauty, but most of all, men are intimidated by the
fact that I've got bigger balls then every man in this
arena."
She claims that men, women, and children are all afraid of her awesome powers. However, they ain't seen nothing yet. Her name is "McMahon" and that means she is Vince McMahon's daughter. That means she does what she wants, when she wants. However, she doesn't get to hand out the Publisher's Clearing House check. Once again proving that Ed is, in fact, the bomb. At this point, the sound guy gives the "wrap it up" sign. This make Stephie mad! Arghhhh! Steph mad! She goes down to the tech guy with the moustache and reems him out. You got a problem, punk? Huh? With that, she slaps him. Then she sees Lillian Garcia, so she slaps her too. Then she decides to attack the camrea man. (JG Note: I'd be careful if I were her. For a company that cries trademark infingement, it's not good to do Low-Ki's signature spot.) Screech says that her father is on his way to Raw and someone will be fired. Oh yes. They will. Her music hits and she walks that aisle back to the announce position. She forces the broadcasters to help her onto the table. As she stands atop the magic table, Stephie Mac takes the microphone and says that "the bitch is back." How creative. Good to have you back Steph. I'm bored already. It can't be that you're unentertaining. I must just be jealous of your giant nuts. Commercial Break. 15 minutes can save you 15% or more on car insurance. Then again, you could kill a lot of people in 15 minutes too. So it could also be argued that 15 minutes could get you 15 years or more in prison. You dont' hear them advertising that. Cue Doink. Who's Q-Doink? Is that a rapper guy or something? You're fired. 1. Rob Conway pinned Doink after an Ego Trip. We revisit Rob Conway's spanking at the hands of all the legends last week. Once the bell rings, Conway opts to wrestle in sunglasses. JR calls it "strange." Yes. You read that right. Rob - the guy who has see-through trunks and a gimmick based on being confusing is considered strange by Ross because he wrestles in sunglasses. Maybe they should fire JR. On the other hand, Lawler said that Doink was from "BozoWorld." So maybe he should be fired too. That was pretty lame. Anyway, this wasn't special at all. Then again, you don't need to be told that. Rob wins with the Ego Trip. If you expected Doink to win, then I'm going to need you to go ahead and send me your credit card numbers right now. After the bell, Robby C gives a post match promo about hating legends. In fact, he claims to have just beaten a "legend." (JG Note: No joke. They consider Doink a legend. Is Crush a legend? Skinner? Repo-Man? Well, maybe Repo-Man. I liked him.) After that, he puts the boots to Doink until Eugene arrives to make the save. Funny considering Gene always reminded me of Matt Borne. He may look like Borne, but he gets beat up like Big Josh. Robert end up housing both of them and then left. Good job, guys. Bravo. We watch a video package about Triple H's attack on Ric Flair. Yes, Hunter's back. So's Stephanie, Shane, Linda, and Vince. I think they did it to help me celebrate the birth of this website. After all, they're what World Wrestling Insanity is all about. Oh, you guys! Thanks! Commercial Break. There's a new movie coming out called "Domino." Great. Now I'm in the mood for pizza. Someone cue Afro Boy, it's Cabana time! Carlito is in the house and he has to start us off with an apology to the McFamily. Had Lito known that you were getting Stunned left and right last week, he'd have come right out and spit his apple at Steve Austin! That's right! Phooey! Right in his face! That ain't why he's out here, though. Sideshow Carl is here to talk about the tie in last week's number one contender's match between Kurt Angle and Shawn Michaels...
Kurt Angle is here and he's not happy with Mr. Cool's choice of words. Tie? Tie? What were you watcing? Everyone saw...
That brings out the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels. Shawn isn't happy either. There was no winner last week! You know why? Because you are a punk ass, Mr. A. Michaels gave you the chance to have a sudden death match last week. You said no. Either you don't want to be champion or else you're shaking in your panties. To this, Kurtis claimed to be Raw's meal ticket and feared not being fired. In fact, last time he had that title on USA, WCW went out business! (JG Note: That had about as much to do with the Death of WCW as Menudo did.) It ain't over yet, though...
Damnit. It's the Big Show. Biggies approaches the heels and states his case. Show's been patient since he got to Raw. Then he realized that he didn't have to wait in line. Why? 'Cause he's a giant and giant's cut lines. What a terrible sterotype. Saying all giants are cutters. The Showster puts in his title request and dares someone to tell him no.
Edge has arrived and Mr. Money in the Briefcase doesn't want to wait. In fact, all the guys in the ring should be wondering who's getting fired. Seems that Mr. Copeland thinks one of them will be joining Matt Hardy on the unemployment before the night is through. He says he's here to stay and asks the McMahons to freeze all the title shots until he uses his contract. Carlito isn't cool with that. He says that everyone in the ring can agree on two things. Firstly, Edge should be fired. Secondly, he should be #1 contender. I, and the crowd, laugh. Hey. Did someone say Poop?
The Doctor of Thuganomics is in the Hizzle Fo' Shizzle. Never at a loss for words, WWE Champion John Cena shows his face and has this to say: "HBK. I'm scouting you heavy,
because I know there's no one better. But you're a little
too friendly wearing chaps, chains, and leather. And
Gold Medal or not, Kurt Angle's going south. Forget
your mouth piece, I'll put my piece in your mouth. Big
Show's a giant. He's enormous. I can think of a million
adjectives, but it's just another case of big things
with small packages. And Carlito, you ain't cool. You
some a chia-pet putz. And instead of spitting out apples,
you should be choking on these nuts. Lita's a slut.
Ya'll should run the other way when you see her. I shook
her hand last week and she gave me gonorrhea. You, you
claim your Money in the Bank. Edge, you think you know
me. Well, John Cena's like a pinwheel. So you can go
ahead and blow me." Wow. He totally wants to scrogg Kurt Angle. He's so into him, it's not funny. With that his music hits and we have the seeds planted for the Elimination Chamber. Elsewhere, Trish is stretching and men are sweating at home. Commecial Break. Up next: 2 Fast 2 Furious. It's the prequel to "Slow Down. Why So Angry?" 2. Chris Masters defeated Tajiri with a Masterlock There was nothing to this match at all. Nothing. Masters won. It was like one of those old Prime Time Wrestling pseudo-squashes. You know. It wasn't like crushing Dale Wolfe. It was like going over Virgil or Greg Valentine circa 1991. Triple H is walking backstage and he comes face to face with Shawn Michaels. HBK is upset about HHH's attack on Flair. He calls it "too much." I love it when they suddenly decide that everyone on the roster is on Ric's jock. Hunter laughs in his face and walks away. After that, he runs into Big Show, who says that the Game will get his "someday." From there, he meets up with Cena, who says he lost respect for Trips H after what he did last week. Helmsley replies that the last thing that John wants to do is get his attention. That's when things get good. JC tosses out his "You want some, come get some" line. To this, Hunt replies that when he wants some, he'll take some. Classic Hunter. He's already showing the world that he can wittily change the catchphrases of the babyfaces. After that, Helmsley beat up a PA. Why? Burrrppp...why not?! Commecial Break. WWE has an ad that features everyone packed into a station wagon and goint to USA. The slogan reads, "We're Moving." I gotta get me one of those ads. Time to play the Game! Moo-hoo-hoo-ha-ha... Triple H is here and he's coming off of a vicious attack on Ric Flair last week. Gameboy references the coldness he feels backstage. Is everyone going to pass judgment on him? Huh? Well, screw off! This is none of your beeswax! You people love Ric Flair? Huh? Well, Hunt worshipped the ground that Slick Ric grabbed other men's penises on! That's right. He was a "Ric Flair mark." (JG Note: Ugh.) Ric was the greatest wrestlers in history according to HHH. That's why he was stoked over Natich's arrival four years ago. Sadly, he wasn't in any condition to be what he once was. He was broken! Had it not been for Hunter, there would be no Flair in your eyes. The H Man gave him new life. The H Man made him "appear to be great again." Crowd boos and Helmsley says that everyone believed that the Nature Boy was back. Then, a month ago,Trips turned his TV
on and saw the Horseman with Apple Spit on his face.
How could he let that happen? What a bitch ass bitch!
Even worse, on PPV sometime later, Flair went for his
tired top rope spot and actually hit the move! He didn't
get caught. You know what that means. It means he's
good now! You know why? Cause wrestling's fake, that's
why. (JG Note: Isn't this the guy that's mad into kayfabe?
He just told the world that Ric does a predicable spot
every night?) The Nature Man won your cheers and later
on that night, he cheered with you. He was the Intercontinental
Cahmpion. He was proud…of his mediocrity. It was
sickening to the Gamy One. Wow. Wouldn’t want
to get through that promo without burying the IC Title,
huh Huntface? It was then that the Cerebral Assassin
realized he had to give his idol the "One Flew
Over the Coocoo's Nest" treatment and put him down.
So he took the old man behind the barn and blew his
head off. Blam! Whoo! Commercial Break. Even if you smoked pot, you should tell your kid not to. Why? So he doesn't steal your pot, stupid! The Rock talks about Doom. Not the game. Not the tag team. The movie. 3. Trish Stratus pinned Victoria with a modified Northern Lights Suplex Victoria, wearing a Stratus T-Shirt, spends the early part of the match targeting Trish's back. This match wasn't much to go nuts over, but it was done as a set up for the post match games. After some more fighting, Toria gets Strats in a Style's Clash position on the turnbuckles and pops down in a Boston Crab position. It looked sick. I thought she was going to snap Trisha like a twig. Her advantage was short lived, though. Eventually TS surprised Vick with a backdrop into a suplex. Three seconds later and she ain't no lady to mess with. Wooooop! After the bell, Ashley showed up to help Trish. That didn't go well. Instead the Asher got beaten down by Victoria until a mystery "fan" (Alexis Laree) in a mini-skirt attacked her. She seemed very excited to be around Stratus. Then again, she handled herself better than other people. I know some guys that would throw up all over themselves and then pass out if they got to meet Trish. Commercial Break. Taboo Tuesday is coming October 1st. This year you can vote for who gets released. Your choices are the Hearthtrobs, the Hearthrobs, and Funaki. Backstage, a pained Trish is confronted by "Mickey James," played by Alexis. Strats makes like she knows the newcomer. Apparently she sent TS some letters. At this point, MJ gives her a big hug and states her level of fanatic devotion. The Women's Champion looks concerned. Get it? She's a stalker. Great. Sable-Torri Part 2. Just what we all wanted. 4. Edge, Kurt Angle, and Carlito defeated Big Show, Shawn Michaels, and John Cena when Angle pinned Cena. I hate how Lillian says "Carlllllito." That's just me, though. At one point, JR says Big Show reminds him of Andre the Giant. (JG Note: I can see the similarity. I guess at this moment right now, they're about the same speed as one another.) Fairly good match, but nothing that you picture from one of these big WWE group tags. Actually, considering that we still had the McFiring to go, this wasn't portrayed as anything too spectacular. At one point, Michaels tried to land a Superkick on Carlito, but stamped his foot for what seemed like an hour before Kurt Angle hit him. Good move, HBK. How long's it take you to tune up the band? Maybe you should "tune up" your foot before you come through the curtain. Seems like an unneeded opening to give your foes, wouldn’t you say? Finally, HBK makes the hot tag to Show, who gives Angle and Edge a double clothesline, followed by the "You Can't See Me" move to Kurt. After that, Cena came in, did his own "See Me" thing and hit a Five Knuckle Shuffle. He only secured a two count, though. From there, C-Nah tried to add Insult to Injury by locking in an ankle lock of his own. Nice try, Vanilla. When John locked the Olympian in the move, his Kurtship rolled through and got the pinfall. We can't see you, Mr. Cena. Must be because you're underneath Angle, getting pinned. Commercial Break. Burger King has "Turbo Strength" coffee? It sounds like I'll have a heart attack as soon as I sip it. Kane returns next week. WWE hopes you
all forget about how his Lita marriage was fake. They
also hope you forget that he was burned and how he banged
Katie Vick. They should just name him "Forget All
About Me." That would make his character easier
to handle. Cue Vince McMahon. We take a look at a WWE.com "Exclusive" in which Mr. McMahon told Eric Bischoff during the break that he would not be fired. Uh...how can it be a WWE.com exclusive if you just played it on TV?! Mr.McMhon is walking "with a purpose"
according to the Coach. I guess where he comes from,
"purpose" means "stick up his ass."
Apparently the McManiac is mad. Oh man, is he mad. He's
mad about seeing his family Stunned. You would be too.
In order to rectify this evil act, someone has to pay.
VKM says, "By God, somebody's gonna be fired."
All we need now is to find someone to blame. He wonders
who's could have the fault heaped upon their shoulders.
After all, Mac knows that "Americans like to play
the blame game." Huh? Weird. What's his issue?
I can't get a grip on him sometimes. Big Mac says that
we could blame Eric Bischoff. However, he won't. Vinnie
says it wasn't Bisch's fault. So....Who's to blame?
Well, this is nuts, but the audience is to blame! McMahon blames the audience! They caused all this craziness! So VKM wants this: He wants everyone all over the planet to consider themselves employees. Why? So he can fire them. Seriously. This is so lame, I can barely contain myself. The crowd chants "anthole" and Big Mac gets upset because he hates ants. He says that besides the lame-ass crowd, there are three more people who deserve some blame. Yeah. Those three are the English Announce Team! King, Ross, and Coach are all summoned to the ring. They need to come and face some justice. On that note, they all come to the squared circle. Crowd seems blah at this point and you can't blame them. This is pretty sucky so far. Why is Mr. McDaddy so mad? Well last week
he, his son, wife, and daughter got stunned while the
announcers all sat there. They did nothing. Nothing!
How could they? How could they? He demands an apology. Coach: "Mr. McMahon, I am so sorry for what happened to you last week. I can admit that I'm a coward. I wish now I would have done something, but I'm not and I'll never be as brave as you are." Forgiven! Dismissed! King: "Well, I know what it's like to be Stunned by Steve Austin and I know it's no fun. So if apologizing to you, Mr. McMahon, means keeping my job, I'm truly sorry." Forgiven! Dismissed! Ross: "I'm really sorry that your wife got Stunned." Vinnie questions Jimmy Jam's devotion
to the fans. How can he be willing to give up his job?
Well far be it from VKM to do a "You're Fired"
angle with JR and not completely cut his jewels off.
Jim gives another aplogy - a real one. It's not good
enough, though. The Chairman brings out his daughter,
who he figures Rossy owes a sorry to as well. Damn. Twice in one show? What is this? 2003? Now it's Stephie Mac who wants to hear
that there's some remorse. However, the Okie repeats
the line about being sorry for her mother's stunning.
On that, she gives him the Slap from Hell! Jimmy falls
and Vince says he's going to bring his son, Shane, out
and let him kick his Cowboy Ass! Shane-o Mac, come on
down! Is that Linda? No. That's a mop. It's time for a swerve for the sake of a swerve. Lindy Mac is unhappy with last week's show. Robo-Mac tells her hum-an fam-ily that they should handle issues better. No yelling. No fits. Just take action! Suddenly, she takes Mr. Ross by his arm and sings to him "You're F-iiiiyyyrr-ed." (JG Note: This is insane and not in a good way. This is so insane that it's kind of scary.) Linda then delivers a slow motion kick to his groin. The pink-slipped Cowboy falls to the ground in a heap. The family celebrates this crappy angle by raising each other's arms in the air. Everyone is there except for Shane, but he doens't count. You know. Fade black. All in all...No good. Stay away. Bad stuff. It's 2003 McMahon treatment again. This time even Linda is getting in on the ridiculous self-absorbed booking. WWE took a hot concept like "Who's getting fired" and turned it into another vanity project. Lindy Mac as a heel? Why? For what? For the big pop? It didn't get one. You can't even blame it on that. Other than that, this show was what it was. It had no real substance to it and had a few high points but far more low points. All we need is Johnny Ace on TV and all the usual suspects from my book can be on Raw, forming a stable and fighting crime. Thanks for reading, guys. Be well and thanks for sharing my insanity. *** © Copyright by WorldWrestlingInsanity.com WorldWrestlingInsanity.com is not
affiliated with any wrestling promotion. |
nce
upon a Sunday dreary, content that everyone now feared
me,
