WWE Press Release – NOT FOR RELEASE UNTIL 2029

March 20, 2029 – Starbucks Square Garden

Folks, we’re on the road to Wrestlemania 45 and fans are gearing up for a super show. Just like our theme song says, "Everybody Wang Chung!" From top to bottom, the entire show is packed! The nine-hour event will be emanating live via television, internet, and chaluuffel-vision at 3pm EST on Sunday, March 19^th. It should be quite a happening. Let’s start with the night's most anticipated match:

World Champion
Aristotle McMahon Helmsley Levesque
vs. Kurt Angle

The story of Kurt Angle has been nothing short of amazing. Kurt wrestled for more than two decades without a break, finally stopping for eleven months in 2024 for surgery. With the advent of new technology, the six-time Olympic Gold Medallist (one for wrestling, three for Ping-Pong, two for snowboarding) was granted the chance to truly have eternal life. After having his skin replaced by metal and his lungs removed in order to create a highly advanced fish-like gill breathing system, Kurt returned to the ring to make his mark once again.

Standing in his way is Aristotle McMahon Helmsley Levesque. The Prince of Princes has promised that at WrestleMania 45, he’ll defend his throne. AMHL has become quite a force to be reckoned with on Wednesday Night Raw. Since his debut with the company, Levesque has been unstoppable in his quest to do…well, anything. Will the heir to World Wide Entertainment and Sledgehammer Productions make Robo-Kurt another feather in his cap? Tune in to find out!

 The Head of Vince McMahon w/Shane 
vs. Jerry Orton

On the day that Vince McMahon turned 75, he made a promise. That promise was that he would never die. Using the same technology Kurt Angle used to become a robot, the chairman had his head detached from his body and placed inside a jar. McMahon had said that science will one day make him whole again. Until then, his son Shane has vowed to carry his father’s severed skull to each WWE event and cause trouble in the lives of young superstars.

In this case, fourth generation superstar Jerry Orton has seen his title dreams halted time and again by the chairman’s vicious Headbutt of Doom (Shane threw the jar at him.) Despite facing nothing more than a decapitated McMahon head on pay-per-view, Jerry has stated that he’s "scared to death." One can understand the Cowboy Killer’s apprehension. At press time, the head held three straight pinfall victories over the young up and comer. Will Mania break the streak?

Rigel 7 "The Butt Lovin' Alien"
vs. Hollywood Hulk Hogan

In 2026, when the entire world learned of the true existence of aliens, World Wide Entertainment was eager to sign one to the roster. In typical WWE fashion, the alien was spiced up a bit, in order to give him a character people can relate to. On that day, Rigel 7 "The Butt-Lovin’ Alien" was born. He’s just your run-of-the-mill alien.  You know, the kind of martian that you might run into at your local coffee shop or galgon station. The only difference is that he loves butts. Oh, how he loves the butts. Male, female, you name it – he loves ‘em. Will Hulk Hogan’s return to the ring be marred by Rigel 7’s ass fetish? Can the Immobile One hold off the Stranger from a Strange Land and avoid his dreaded Butt Probe? We’ll learn the answers only on Pay Per View.

Lord Enormous 
vs. Bob Holly

In a special challenge match, Hardcore Bob Holly has promised to take out the massive Lord Enormous. A solid member of WWE’s roster from way back when doors still had knobs, Bob has made a habit of teaching youngsters respect. Holly has vowed to do that with WWE’s newest star. Will the Lord have his way with Holly? You’ll know after WrestleMania!

The Great Avenger
vs. Ric Flair

Get ready for a treat! WWE Hall of Famer Ric Flair laces up his boots and accepts the challenge of evil newcomer The Great Avenger. This feud began three weeks ago on Piper’s Pit when the Avenger laid down a WrestleMania challenge to the Nature Boy. When finally reached for comment, Flair responded, "I may not be the youngest ride at the park…" Then his jaw fell off. What else will fall off of the Dirtiest Player in the Game? Find out at WrestleMania 45!

The Chairman Comes to WrestleMania!

Then…finally, lucky fans can get a glimpse of WWE’s Chairman and the owner of Sledgehammer Productions. You read that right. It’s a special appearance by the Game, the King of Kings, the Cerebral Assassin, the American Blueblood, the Champion of Champions, Dr. Awesome, Captain Coolness, The Master of Swing, the Lord of the Dance, The Kick Ass Kid, The Wooly Bully, Poppa Pain, The Chomper, The Stomper, The Fantastic Force, Crazy Uncle Hunter, Hammerhead, Sideburns McGameface, Levesqueanator, The Aqua Netter, Muscles McKenzie, The Wild Knight, Admiral Anger, Boo Boo Kitty-F*ck, Bam Bam the Ram Man, Filo Dough, the Anti-Brock, Big Jim Slade, Mr. Terrific…the 34 time World Champion and WWE Hall of Famer…Triple H!   What will the chairman have to say?

Note: Tickets to WWE’s Hall of Fame ceremony will be going on sale Thursday, January 19^th, 2029 at the Garden Box Office or by sending a blip-mail to Ticketmaster.blip This year’s inductees are:

Former WWE Champion Sylvan Grenier by Robert Conway

Former WWE Champion Brock Lesnar by WWE Hall of Famer The Ultimate Warrior

"The Voice of WWE for over 30 years" COLE by Tazz, Don West, and John Heidenreich

Don't miss a single minute!  Order WrestleMania 45 today!

I don’t know about you guys, but my money’s on Aristotle. Who’s your money on this weekend? Is it on Triple H? John Cena? Kurt Angle? Rey Mysterio? Randy Orton? Torrie Wilson? Well, before we plop down $50 for Sunday, we get Friday…for free! It’s so special that I’ve changed the channel and come over to do a special version of the Insanity. This week’s target: Smackdown. That’s right. It’s not time to play the Game. It’s not basic thuganomics. It’s Friday. It’s the channel that brought you the Mullets. It’s 8pm. Folks, it’s Smackdown and it’s awwwwn!

Last week, things "exploded" between Angle, Mysterio, and Orton.

The show opens and right off the bat, I learn that things are different around here. How do I know? Well on Raw, Joey Styles still has a first name.

"I’m Cole . He’s Tazz."
                 - Michael Cole, 8:04pm

Cole? We can put him with Kane and call them the Ebony Experience (JG Note: That was an old GWF reference - not a bizarre racial slur. ) Anyway, The One Namers welcome us to the show and send us down to ringside for…

Cue Teddy Long.

No. I’d rather cue Rey Mysterio. He’s so little and adorable. Rey! Get your teeny ass out here!

Rey Mysterio has arrived and he has a microphone in his hand. You see, this Sunday, Rey’s dream comes true. He’ll be wrestling for the World Heavyweight Championship on the biggest stage of them all…WrestleMania. However, there’s one guy out there who claims that Little Rey Rey doesn’t have any place at Mania. Oh yes. There’s someone who calls Mysterio "a charity case." That someone is Randy Orton and…oh, man does Razor Rey Moan have a butt kickin’ ready for that guy. He’s itchin’ to get your Legend Killing, Gym-Bag Poopin’, Jerry Fatherin’ ass in this very ring. So, Teddy Long, please walk this aisle and make that match. RM needs you to book this battle, post haste!

Cue Teddy Long.

Nah. Screw you. I’m cueing Kurt Angle, bitch.

Out steps the World’s Heavyweight Champion, Kurt Angle. With a look of determination on his mug, Kurt walks to the ring and Tazz claims that no one can beat him. The Olympian tells Rey to keep his pants on. You aren’t getting a match with Randy Orton. No way, Jose. After Mark Henry joined forces with the RKO kid to put Angle through a table, there’s no way the Gold Medallist is going to let you get your midget hands on him first. The Champ called it. Not only that, but he’s going to win at Mania too. Why?

"Nobody beats the wrestling machine! Nobody beats the only Olympic gold medallist in WWE history. Nobody beats ME!"
                     - Kurt Angle, 8:10pm

With that, your Olympic hero demands a match with Randy Orton tonight. No ifs, ands, or buts. That match is happenin’. Now, Theodore Long, get your long behind out here and make it so!

Cue Teddy Long.

Yeah, right. Go f*ck yourself. Randy Orton! Get out here!

Randy Orton has arrived and he’s now wearing his RKO shirt with the NWO Wolfpac colors. (JG Note: They should make him a blue one. That would be awesome.) Orton tells both "ladies" to not get their "panties in a bunch." He must have really riled up Kurt and Rey, right? They really want to fight him, huh? Well, tell ya what, punk asses. How about you two against Mr. Randy…in a handicap match tonight?  Randy makes the strange challenge and then asks the audience if anyone wants to see it? Huh? Who wants to see the "paper champion" and the "charity case" get beaten down by the Legend Killer? Huh? You? You want to see it? Well…psyche! No go. Randall ain’t lacing up the boots tonight. He’s not wrestling. Why jeopardize his chances at WrestleMania? Forget that noise. Cowboy Bob’s son is going to head back to the lockeroom, poop in some pack his bags, and head out for the night. On that note, Mr. Arkayoh spins around and takes his leave. Good day, gentlemen.

Cue Teddy Long.

Fine. Fine. Just…be cool, man. Be cool….

Holla! Teddy Long is in the house and he’s not letting the Legend Killer go anywhere. Listen here, player. The GM thinks that the handicap match could be intriguing. Let’s make that happen. Whatcha think? Randy is incredulous and calls Theodore biased. That's right.  Long plays favorites!  Yeah!  He played into the sob story that Rey Mysterio presented and put him into Mania even though it was undeserved. You did that, Ted! You did that! Raymond Steerio doesn’t deserve squat!  You, sir, are biased!

Kurt Angle interrupts and says that none of that matters because it’s not about that! It’s about Kurt’s wants and needs. Rey stops him and asks if he’s saying that he agrees with the arrogant Orton. Do you think that Mysterio doesn’t deserve to be at WM22, Angle? Eh, esse? That your story? Kurtis denies it, but his eyes tell a different tale. Raymond is saddened. The Champ tells him that he’s not saying that at all. In fact, K.A. would rather fight you than the twirling Wolfpac guy, Rey. Again, Miss Teerio pushes the issue. Are you saying that Rey can’t beat you, Champ?  Is that what you're trying to imply?  Is it?  Angle stops and looks down at his accuser.

"No one can beat me,"

With that, the little Luchadore rips into the gold medallist. What about a few weeks ago, baldie? What about that? Remember when Rey Rey nailed you with the 619? (JG Note: Boy am I glad there was a "1" in that sentence.) What makes you think it won’t happen again…on Sunday? Kurt remembers, Rey. He also remembers the West Coast Pop that cost him his match with Mark Henry.  You see, the World Title holder doesn't forget, Max Mini.  He knows the time.  He knows the score.  He knows the deal.

Dandy Randy chimes in and calms both men down. Chill, guys. Seems that you have some beef in need of squashing. How’s about tonight? How’s about Rey Mysterio vs Kurt Angle? Orton thinks the idea makes perfect sense. I mean, what better way for Rey to prove that he deserves his spot? Huh? Unless, of course, Kurt’s a wuss. You afraid, Champ?

Now although a four-year-old could see through this whole ruse by Randy – you know, the ruse where his two opponents beat each other up before the PPV - Rey Mysterio doesn’t. He actually says that Randy "makes sense." Amazing. Teddy Long gives Mysterio his wish. You want Angle. You got him. Now, there’s just one more thing to do. Call security and get Randy Orton out of here…right now!

Gear up, kiddies. It’s Rey Mysterio vs. Kurt Angle and M*****l Cole calls it one of the best matches in Smackdown history. From there, we’ll get the Money in the Bankers together for one big match. It’s Dave Finley and MNM vs. Lashley, Hardy, and Tatanka. What a team. As we all know, Tatanka has that great Native American cry of "Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!" Ironically, that’s the same noise that Hardy made when he found out about Edge.

Commercial Break.  Durablast Brakes go through "torture testing."  What?!  How can that be?  We all make such a big deal about mice and bunnies.  What about the brakes?  Stop torturing the brakes!!!

Tazz welcomes us back and The Cole tells us how WrestleMania is going to be four hours long. He tries really hard to make it sound like a good thing. I don’t know how they think that sounds good. Four hours just sounds long. That’s probably because it is long! Most people don’t even like to do things that feel good for four hours. Four hours is a part time workday. It’s a bad day at the DMV. It’s a crappy night’s sleep. It’s not a selling point.

During the commercial, security escorted Randy Orton from the arena. Needless to say, he wasn’t too happy and sped off in his SUV like Lindsey Lohan after a bad manicure.

Chris Benoit steps onto the ramp and he’s got his U.S. Title in hand. The Tazmaniac and the Colemaniac both seem really excited about Benoit’s match with JBL this Sunday. Want to know why? Because it’s ten times better than the match that we’re about to see.

A Glimpse At What Things Would Be Like If Johhny Ace Wasn’t Working for WWE:

Hey Animal. Thanks for showing up to the arena tonight. We spoke to Vince and he has a great concept for your new gimmick. It’s called "Hit The Road, Warrior." Ha ha. Get it? No? Hit the road. We’re telling you to hit the road. It’s our cute way of telling you to get lost.

The Artist Formerly Known as Animal has arrived. Dressed like Mr. Slave from South Park, Annie Maul is going by Road Warrior now and he’s pissed. With help from the power of wireless microphones, he wonders aloud why he’s not booked for WrestleMania (JG Note: Because it’s not 1991.) With that, he looks over at Benoit and figures that if Chris is booked for the big event, then he should be too. To prove that, he’ll step in the ring and beat the Crippler. That’ll show them all!

1) United States Champion Chris Benoit defeated The Road Warrior via Crippler Crossface Submission

Here’s the weird logic on all this. This is a non-title match! What’s the point of Roadie’s prematch speech? If you beat the champion in a non-title match, you don’t go to Mania. Why would you? If it was a US Title match, that would make sense. Then we could figure that a R.W. title win would put him in the PPV against JBL. Instead, it’s just a meaningless match between the Rabid Wolverine and Heidenreich’s old buddy. What makes me scratch my head even more is that Animal didn’t even win! He lost. Why not just make it a title match if you know you’re going to have the champion go over anyway? It would have at least made the Warrior’s pre-bout tirade make sense. This is all semantics, though. We’re getting away from the main point here. What’s the main point? LOD: Animal is squashing his impressive legacy all for the sake of a past-his-prime singles run. The whole gimmick is that he’s upset at the fans for not letting the Legion of Doom gimmick go. Apparently, he wants them to let go of the past. Trust me, Animal. No you don’t. Without that, you’re a smaller A-Train with a Mohawk. As for the match, it’s what you would have expected. It came to a close when 911 Road Warrior went to hit Crips with some brass knux, but ended up locked in the Crossface. Tap, tap, tap. Hit the Road, Warrior.

After the contest, Chris Benoit walks backstage where he’s met with applause…from John "Bradshaw" Layfield. Alongside the mole-less Jillian Hall, Bradshaw tells his Mania opponent that he’s quite impressive. Damn, son. You went and made a Road Warrior tap like Fred Astaire. That takes talent. You must be as good as they say you are. You might be the greatest technical wrestler of our generation. Hey that reminds John of another great technical wrestler. You know the one. Layfield took a title off of him.  That man's your best friend Eddie Guerrero! Benoit gets upset and it’s hard to really understand why. He’s just stating a fact. Not sure what’s so offensive about it. He didn’t say, "your dead friend." He called Eddie a great technical wrestler and said he beat him. The CNBC Cowboy tells the US Champion to back down. All Johnny’s doing is stating facts, Vanilla Midget. He’s beaten one great technical wrestler and come Sunday, he’ll beat another. That’ll make the Acolyte awesome! Awesome, I tell you! Benny Wa responds that he’s glad Bradshaw’s hand has healed up. Why? Well, Sunday, he’ll need it to tap. John walks away, Chris smiles, and I wonder what Benoit has against pinning people. The guy’s got some weird submission fetish or something.

Stick around, folks. Bradshaw’s fighting next. Then, later tonight, we have Kurt Angle meeting Rey Mysterio. Don’t go anywhere. If you do, you’re just a jerk. You don’t want to be a jerk, do you? Well, then stick around.

Commercial Break.  Red Bull Gives You Wings.  What a great slogan.  It's better than the first choice - Red Bull Gives You Crabs.

This week in wrestling history: William "Refrigerator" Perry wrestled in the WrestleMania 2 Battle Royal. He was finally eliminated by Big John Studd. Perry would have continued to wrestle for the WWF, but left after a misunderstanding. After hearing that William’s nickname was "The Fridge," Pat Patterson tried stick a bottle of soda inside of him. After that, all hell broke loose.

2) John Bradhsaw Layfield pinned Daniel Cross after the Clothesline From Hell

At first I thought it was David Cross from Mr. Show and I was excited. Alas, it wasn’t. Then I realized it was Daniel! Daniel Cross? Yes! I loved that guy back in the day! Daniel Cross’ll make ya jump, jump! Uh huh. Uh huh. Jump, jump! Then Vinnie Mac’ll make you jump, jump! Daniel Cross’ll make ya… Oh wait. That’s Kriss Kross. Who the hell is Daniel Cross? No one apparently. He gets squashed like Riki Ataki and The Cole informs us all that prior to this match, Danny Boy was 0-4 in his wrestling career. Now he’s 0-5. You know that that means? That means I have a better record than Daniel Cross…and I’ve never wrestled. Kinda makes Dan’s wrestling boots seem like waste of money, no?

This year’s Hall of Fame Inductees:

Bret Hart inducted by Steve Austin
Mean Gene inducted by Hulk Hogan
Eddie Guerrero inducted by Chris Benoit, Rey Mysterio, and Chavo Guerrero
Sensational Sherri inducted by Ted DiBiase
Big Bully Busick inducted by Harvey Whippleman
The Blackjacks inducted by Bobby Heenan
Verne Gagne inducted by Greg Gagne
Tony Atlas inducted by SD Jones

(JG Note: Know what’s funny? Last week I rented a VHS of the "Best of WWF: Volume 4" from my library. On it was a battle royal that came down to SD Jones and Tony Atlas. In the end, the two decided not to fight and instead have a coin toss to determine the winner. I remember thinking, "Wow. That was lame. How close can these guys be?" Three days later, WWE announced that Jones would induct Atlas into the Hall of Fame, answering my question. Spooky stuff. Hmmmm….Coincidence? Yeah. It is. Although for while I thought that the McMahons might have implanted a tracking device in my brain. Then I took my medication and all was OK again.)

Commercial Break. Mr. Mom is UPN's weekend movie.  God I love that movie.  One punch!  One punch!

Vignette of Mike the Miz promoting Miz TV while running through Titan Tower. He’s doing a reality TV gimmick. What is a reality TV gimmick you ask? He interacts with people while a camera crew follows. Sounds fun, huh?  Yeah.  That's great.  Listen, you know how sometimes a guy will debut with great teaser videos but see the gimmick fail once it leaves the vignettes and hits the ring? Well, this is one you can see coming a mile away. It’s a good concept, but the whole gimmick is based on quick MTV-like camera shots, interacting with women who want to get with him, and reality style television. Considering that wrestling is based on wrestling-like camera shots, interacting with men who want to fight him, and scripted style television, I think it’s pretty clear that once the bell rings, 95% of Mike’s gimmick is going out the window.  If this gimmick fails and WWE sours on him, Mike the Miz will be Mike the Miserable in three months tops.

Cue Booker.

Oh. Then why is he hanging out with the guy dressed like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean?

3) Paul Burchill defeated Booker T via countout

Let me see if I understand the concept behind Paul Burchill. His gimmick is that his gimmick is so stupid no one can believe people like it. That’s it. The announcers sold the thing based on the fact that Smackdown was already overrun by ridiculous garbage. Honest. It was like, "You know, Cole, we got all this other silly shit on Smackdown, why not a pirate?"  Uh, Tazz?  I know "why not a pirate." Maybe because it’s just another stupid thing to water down the show. Making it worse than the Boogeyman’s thing, Burchill’s character is built on the fact that it’s dumb. I don’t get it. A gimmick like this should be saved for a guy that can’t do anything in the ring. Paul actually has talent and this gimmick is like a big block of ice frozen around his head every time he steps in the ring. In other words, it’s an albatross. It’s weighing him down. The match itself wasn’t much to mention. It was pretty nondescript until red lights lit up the arena. That can only mean one thing! (JG Note: Kane.) Oh wait. Scratch that. It can only mean one of two things! It’s the Boogeyman and he’s coming to put boogies on you! Book’s wife, Sharmell, goes buck and Mr. T leaves the ring to console her. Finally, waiting for the monster to emerge, BT thinks of a plan. He goes under the ring and tries to find the demon for himself. After all, that’s how he showed up last time. Maybe he’s under there now. Turns out he was. However, he was on the other side! Boogz jiggles out from under the apron and scoops up a screaming Mrs. T before taking her up the ramp. During all this, the referee actually counts Booker out of the ring.  Apparently he’s never heard of extenuating circumstances. I’d say that when the arena is glowing red and a monster has kidnaped your wife, the referee should be somewhat understanding. Not this one. Book is counted out and that’s that! Barnacle Bill the Sailor picks up a victory. Plus, Sharmell has now been taken away by the worm-eating monster! (Bogeyman Note: To Booker T and all the Smackdown fans – You’re welcome. )

During the break, Booker T was frantically looking for his wife. He must have wanted her to make him some of those Hungry Man Dinners. Mmmm….Hungry Man Dinners. I’d be frantically looking for her too. Now I’m hungry. Be right back.

4) Bobby Lashley, Tatanka, and Matt Hardy defeated Dave "Fit" Finley and MNM when Hardy pinned Joey Mercury

You know, if The Road Warrior is upset about being left off of WrestleMania, MNM must be going insane. They’re the tag team champions. It just boggles the mind. In four hours, they couldn’t find a significant thing to do with their young and fresh tag champs on Smackdown? Then again, they haven’t been able to find something significant for them to do... ever. Feuds with Heidenreich, Animal, Tatanka, and Matt Hardy doesn’t exactly scream "stars." (JG Note:  Phew.  What a list.  I feel like that list should have Repo Man and Papa Shango on it.) When you factor in that Melina, the team’s manager, made such a big splash initially with fans, you have to wonder what the thought process is. When you have a duo like Mercury and Nitro, you shouldn’t have trouble building up your tag division. They should be what your tag division is. Everything should center on them. To make matters worse, Mel’s doing this screaming gimmick from ringside. It’s not like the Daphne in WCW screams. Those worked to an extent. She’s doing the Nancy "Woman" Benoit in 1995 WCW screams. Remember those? Remember those unneeded, ear-piercing screams?  I hated those. Now Lina is doing it. Why? Because she hates you. That’s why. As for the others in this match, I’m a fan of Blaster Lashley’s. If anyone has a strong future ahead of them, it’s Lash. He’s massive and new. As for Finley, he’s not so new or massive, but I like him too. His gimmick is born from realism and any early 20s bar-hopper can relate to the fightin’ Irishman gimmick. His only issue is that he’s no spring chicken and can work in other aspects of the company. The gimmick’s solid and his style is too, but I can’t help but think they could have gotten a younger wrestler to portray it. You have Tatanka, who’s here for TaNostalgia purposes and Matt Hardy is just on the payroll until WWE is sure that no one cares about him anymore. When you put it all together and you got this match.  Actually, it was a pretty good match and the fans really got behind it by the end. The finale all came together when Lash when nuts and started body-checking people. When Mercury finally knocked him from the ring, Big Bob used the opportunity to backdrop Finley to the ground. Joey watched from the ring, failing to realize that the Sensei of Mattitude was sizing him up from behind. Mercules turned and ate a Twist of Fate. Three seconds later, the babyfaces are declared victors. Hardy did this thing where he dropped to one knee and then feigned climbing a ladder. For a second, I thought he was having some sort of seizure.

Commercial Break.  Axe Bodygel advertising is apparently taking a "cult" theme now.  I guess promising anyone who buys it that they'll have lots of promiscuous sex wasn't working anymore.

Back in the arena, the ring is covered in black. There’s a black wreath, a black podium, and a black tarp. Now despite the fact that we’ve seen this exact same set used about 100 times before, the announcers still seem clueless to the whole thing. What’s this all about? Even when the music of Mark Henry, Undertaker’s WrestleMania opponent, plays, they still can’t figure it out. Wow.

As I just mentioned, the "World’s Strongest Man" Mark Henry is here and he’s in a suit. Actually, to be more descriptive, he’s in a huge suit. See, that’s the thing with Henry. He’s massive. There’s no reason that WWE should be trying so hard to find him a gimmick. He’s a monster. Push him like one. You don’t do things like letting him stand in the ring and talk on a microphone. It would be counterproductive to his whole persona. Anyway…where were we? Oh yeah. Mark Henry’s standing in the ring and about to talk on the microphone.

The chanting music rings out and Sexual Chocolate begins with an introduction. He’s the World’s Strongest Man and tonight we’re here to pay homage to something no one thought would end. What’s that thing? It’s Undertaker’s undefeated streak at Wrestlemania - That’s what!

OK. Stop. I’m going to stop here. Why? Well, you’ve heard this speech about seven times before. Someone is vowing to stop Taker’s WM winning streak. Yeah. This time, it’s Mark Henry. What makes this different than the other times? Well, except for King Kong Bundy, no one has had less of a chance to end Taker’s streak than Mark. No one. The worst part is that even if he does end it, it’ll be a huge letdown. No one wants to see Mizark end Taker’s streak. Hell, no one wants to see Henry try to end Taker’s streak. It’s pointless. It’s like having a wrestler that everyone’s apathetic to challenging for a title. We all know he probably won’t win it. Even if he does, everyone’ll be disappointed if he does anyway. Splendid. Can’t wait for this match. How long is WrestleMania again? Four hours? How much does it cost to order? $900? Outstanding. Please, get out of my way. I need to go bum-rush my local cable operator.

Oh, and to make all this even more tedious? Henry reads his speech from a piece of paper, taking time to list all of Undertaker’s fallen WrestleMania foes as their photos flashed on the TitanTron. It comes off like an oversized 8^th grader reading a book report. Basically, this whole segment was talking for the sake of talking. The only plus to it was that there was a big picture of Giant Gonzales on the screen at one point. Any segment that has a pic of El Gigante dressed up like Slim Goodbody can’t be all bad.

Commercial Break. McDonald's says to "Wake up and smell your life."  Unless, of course, you got really drunk the night before.  In which case, "Wake up and smell your puke."

Video Clips of Candice Michelle’s Playboy shoot. Many of you may be familiar with Playboy magazine. It’s what men who aren’t computer-savvy use to get their naked lady fix.

5) The Mexi-Cools defeated Jamie Noble and Kid Kash when Super Crazy pinned Kash.

Good to see Noble back on TV. Although it’s kind of disheartening to see it done on such an underwhelming scale. Jamie had a gimmick that people would remember. His interaction with Blind Nidia was some of the highlights of Smackdown for a while. Instead, he’s been sucked into the Kid Kash generic trap. Kash had an awesome gimmick coming into WWE and was stripped of it in favor of being plain. Don’t get me wrong, there’s no guarantees that Jamie’s Trailer Park gimmick or Kid Kash’s Kid Rock gimmick could get over. All I know is it’s a better shot than what they’re doing now. As for the Cools, I really miss Juvi. I know he’s crazy. That why I miss him. Without the Juice garbling his way through insane promos, the group just seems flat. That being said, at least they’re a tag team. MNM should be fighting either one of these teams instead of the Nostalgia Act of the Day. In the end, this was an exciting match, albeit inconsequential. The fans were into it by the end and when Crazy mounted the ropes and grabbed Kash. He flipped in back in a belly-to-belly like move, but held on and took the full flip as well, landing on top for a pin. It looked really good. All that was left was the counting. The Mexis take the win. Solid match.

Meanwhile, backstage, Booker T is still looking for Sharmell and still hasn’t found time to put a shirt on. He comes across a pile worms oozing down the hallway. The T-Man calls out to his wife, but gets no answer. Instead, he follows the worms. COLE says he’s following the "worms like they’re breadcrumbs." Uck. Remind me never to eat stuffing at Michael Cole’s house.

Commercial Break. Do I need a commecial to tell me that tobacco companies advertise to kids?  Isn't that the whole thing?  Isn't that what they do?  It's called dancing around the law.  You're not exposing anything by pointing it out.  You're just showing commercials with cigarettes in them.  Isn't that what you're trying to stop to begin with?

We’re back and Booker T is still following the wormcrumbs. He finally hears Sharmell’s screams from behind a locked door. He asks if she’s OK and she says no, but assures her hubby that she’s alone. Once he hears that, Book breaks down the door to find his blushing bride standing atop a box to avoid the sea of worms on the floor. She screaming at the top of her lungs as the Harlem Heater wades through the slimy mess to save her. When T finally reaches Paisley, they hear some familiar laughter. It causes them both to stop for a moment before BT scoops her up and carries her away. As he does, she screams "The Boogeyman! The Boogeyman!" Once they leave, the camera pulls back to reveal Boogie watching and laughing at the entire scene. Could you imagine having to be the guy that cleans the worms off the floor? That’s a hell of a job, huh? Bob Holly and Bradshaw slap your ass and throws cans at you all afternoon. You’re on the road 200 days a year. Then, at the end of it all, you have to sweep up worms. Man, that sucks. And Vince McMahon wonders why so much news gets leaked to the Internet.

WrestleMania 22 is coming! FOUR HOURS of nonstop action with a special start time of 7pm EST! You heard that right…four hours! Call your local cable company... and bring a pillow, bitches!

6) World Champion Kurt Angle defeated Rey Mysterio with an Anklelock submission

I’m surprised that this match played out in full. I kind of expected a screwjob ending, but like what they did here. Essentially, they gave away 2/3 of the Smackdown Mania main event, but they left out the main foil. Without Randy Orton, the match played out differently than it would on Sunday. Plus, by allowing a legitimate ending, WWE left fans with a good feeling that Sunday’s match will end with a real finish and not some hackneyed "schmazz" (© Bret Hart.) These two have always worked well together, which makes this match no surprise. In fact, the booking of this match was a good idea. It reminds fans of what Kurt Angle and Rey Mysterio can do in the ring against each other. When you factor in Orton, it really puts a new spin on it and actually makes the three-way match the one that I’m most looking forward to. The contest focused primarily on Kurt beating the hell out of Rey Rey for a good amount of time while The Cole and Tazz spoke about his "heart." In fact, while I’ve come down on the announcing at time, both commentators did a good job of building up the WrestleMania match, citing successes of all the participants and the styles each man brings to the contest. There was some downtime at one point when Angle locked Mysterio in a six hour body scissors, but things turned back around when The Rey Man came back with some high flying offense. It didn’t last long, though, as Kurtis pegged him with a German Suplex and then took it up a notch. He attempted an anklelock, but Misty kicked him into the ropes. The Olympian hit the ropes and landed in the perfect position for the 619. RM ran across the ring and swung around with the move, but the Champion caught his legs, dragged him back into the middle of the ring, slapped on the anklelock, and scored the victory with a tap-out. Great match. Great ending. Although, I’m not sure if it was the best idea to let Kurt completely reverse his opponent’s finisher two days before their match.  Forget that, though.  Overall, the finishishing sequence was terrific.

After the victory, Kurt left the ring, but stopped when he saw Randy Orton. The Legend Killer snuck up on Rey Mysterio and when the little guy got to his feet – BAM – R.K.O.

Angle smiled a big black grin from the ramp and Randy took the microphone. He ordered the Gold Medal winner to stop his smiling and take notes. Why? Cause this Sunday, the same thing is happening to you! Randall has an R.K.O. with your name on it! Fade to…

Hang on. Kurt Angle runs back to the ring and exchanges punches with the arrogant Orton. Randy sticks a finger in the champ’s eyes and attempts a Diamond Cutter only to be reversed into an Angle Slam. Randy hit the mat and Angle lets out a scream that causes all the veins in his neck to protrude out three inches. He locks on the Anklelock and…after a few seconds of fighting, Dandy Randy taps the canvas. The announcers wonder if anyone can beat Kurt Angle at WrestleMania, which means someone probably will. The Champ celebrates as we fade to black.

All in all…Not bad. Plenty of filler, but for the most part, it was OK.

The Angle-Orton-Mysterio thing has played out really well and WWE has done a lot with three guys who seemingly have little in common. At the end of the day, it’s an interesting match on paper and will probably play out really well overall. Tonight they did a great job selling it and despite Rey’s 619 being reversed just prior to the PPV, I would say it all was put together well.

The Money-in-the-Bank match seems messy to me. The people involved seem random. It’s like there’s no rhyme or reason to it. My money’s on Lashley, although you can’t guess at stuff like that. It wouldn’t be inconceivable to see Matt Hardy take the briefcase, if for no other reason than the fact that Edge won it last year. The last possibility is Ric Flair, who’s promising another World Title run. Regardless, the match itself is pretty mundane and lacks any of the anticipation that last year’s had.

MNM. Man, No Mania?

The Road Warrior served his purpose tonight and did the job for Chris Benoit. Hate to think what type of rationale goes into a gimmick like Animal’s. "Hey fans! Stop caring about my legacy!" OK, Joe. You got it. You don’t have to ask the audience too many times. We forget legacies all the time. If you want, we’ll all abide by your wishes and forget the great Legion of Doom. We’ll focus on the leather biker jobber gimmick you have now. Happy?

Booker T-Boogeyman is silly, but WWE is pushing it hard. Hopefully the match will play out well and justify the airtime that it’s getting. There’s only two possible outcomes it can have. Either it’ll be so-so and people will like the entertainment value surrounding it or it’ll be bad. I’m talking Kronik bad.

So there you go, guys. The last show before WrestleMania is in the bag. Don’t forget to check back on Sunday as our very own Celian Varini will be here with live results from WrestleMania as it happens! Check out his real time rundown and then come back to the site for another batch of Raw Insanity on Monday and a special JG’s Radio Free Inanity – Wrestlemania Edition on Tuesday. It’s WrestleMania week, everyone! Now eat your wormcrumbs and get ready for the four hours of fun! See you then! Thanks for reading. Be well.

Contact James:  James@WorldWrestlingInsanity.com

(JG Note:  Before you ask, the reason I was able to get the report up so soon is because I saw the Canadian broadcast last night too.)