Dan Crocker
Dan Crocker Drinks His Way Through the 9/30 Smackdown
By Dan Crocker
Oct 3, 2005, 23:34

Howdy, and welcome to my first article. I reckon I should introduce myself. My name’s Daniel Crocker, most of my good friends call me Cracker. I’m a novelist and I teach Creative Writing. So, what qualifies me to write a wrestling article? Nothing. What qualifies me to take shots? Years of alcohol abuse.

I should admit it right now. I’m a mark. I love wrestling. I consider it an art. If I met Ric Flair at a bar I’d freak out the way on fanboys can do. But, enough about me. If you’re really that interested you can find out more about me at http://www.danielcrocker.freeservers.com/.

Now, I’ve spent the last week obsessively trying to get rid of some 21 viruses that have infected my computer. I’ve been like Ahab except that my great white whale is some nasty Trojan. So, I need some beers and some wrestling. Grab a Milwaukee’s Best Light and let’s talk Smackdown.

It’s in Texas this week. I’m not sure where, but I think it’s close to GW’s vaction spot. I swear I saw him outside clearing brush. There must be a national crisis somewhere. Speaking of George, here comes JBL dressed in a sombrero, and inner tube and jumper cables. You know, I would have never guessed it a few years ago but he’s grown on me. He’ll never be the most technically gifted wrestler, but his gimmick is just over the top enough to be funny. It’s so over the top that I can’t even imagine the most Politically Correct infected suburbanite to actually take it seriously enough to be offended. Then again, maybe he is a racist son of a bitch. Then again, maybe Tom Cruise is as well. I’ll try to stay out of their personal lives as long as they’re entertaining.

Despite his attire, I don’t think we can look forward to DBL giving us a chain wrestling clinic. However, he has brought along Mr. Kennedy. And wouldn’t you know it, Hardcore Holly is pretty upset. Apparently, Mr. Kennedy stole Holly’s hair bleach. We end up with my man Rey Mysterio and double H against JBL and the only Kennedy not in politics.
First Michael Cole quote of the night: “This is television that’s changing Friday Nights.”

I guess he’s right. I could actually be out with a real live girl or something. Wait a minute, never mind my Friday nights haven’t changed at all.
Also, according to Cole, Hardcore Holly has the best dropkick in the business. I bet his mother is proud. You know, if there were still any Von Erichs alive he’d not be able to say that. Those boys could dropkick—if I remember correctly. I was only about eight, and at that time their dropkicks impressed the hell out of me.

Oh yeah, BBL pins Holly. I drank through the rest, except for when Rey was in the ring.

You know who I miss? Eddie Guerrero’s mullet. I’m lucky enough to have been immortalized with my mullet in my senior pictures from high-school. I won’t say it was cool, but we all had them down south back then. The problem with mine was that I have curly hair. So, it really curled up in the back so that it looked like I had half of Ronald McDonald’s hairdo. That’s said, Eddie’s always the high-spot of Smackdown.

The basics, Batista steals Eddie’s food. Batista—that fat bastard.
Outside there are some Divas. Their names don’t matter. They have boobies.

Quick, someone call HBK, Christy Hemme stole his leather chaps!

Well, there’s a match. Christy channels Xena (she has the war cry down pat) and then after an honestly impressive sunset flip she ….well, she gets tripped by one of the guys from M N M and loses. Look, she got tripped! It’s not her fault. She was, um, tripped. Ok, so it was a lame finish, do you really expect the Smackdown writers to put any effort into this? The point was made. And that point is—Christy Hemme is officially bootilicious.

Second Michael Cole quote of the night: “The Undertaker is the master of mind games.” This is true. You don’t wanna play that man in a game of Boggle. He’s unstoppable at Boggle.

Let’s move on to Cowboy Bob Orton, who I am pretty damn sure is drunker than I am. He’s a legend. His son is a legend killer. It all gets Oedipal after that. Still, the two of them can’t manage to put Undertaker away tonight. Maybe, just maybe, they’ll have better luck Sunday. I don’t know, handicap matches are always a problem. I mean, if Randy Orton can’t beat the Undertaker in a handicap match, he’s buried. Taker probably ain’t gonna lose in his signature match. I think what we’re seeing here is the long awaited burying of Randy’s WWE career.

Cole also says that the Undertaker’s entrance in bone chilling. If that scares him, let’s hope he’s not buying tickets for the Fog.

Oh, and why does the Undertaker start his matches with an orgasm?

And why is Cole “shocked” that Randy Orton ran out to help his dad? I mean, he’s all indignant that Bob Orton said he was going to fight his match alone and then didn’t. Is it that unheard of that a heel might lie? Does Bob Orton’s legendary honesty procceed him?

Bob Orton: I have some ocean front property in Arizona I’ll sell you cheap, Mike.

Cole: Hooozah! Where’s my checkbook?

Bob: Oh, I didn’t have sex with your wife either.

Bobby Lashley eats his spinach. He’s got a good look and a nice background. Let’s see how he develops. Didn’t really get to see him shine or fail in what was a pretty typical squash against, I believe, Russell Simmons—wait a minute, why didn’t Russell Simmons bring some of that poetry slam power to smack ole Bobby down? In any event, Simon Dean is gonna wrestle Lashley at No Mercy. Where’s MY checkbook!

You know, if I was a wrestler, I’d come down on a pimped up rascle for my ring entrance. That way, all of my bases would be covered.

Christian is cool. Nuff said. And Benoit is gonna fight everyone at No Mercy. He’s pretty cool too.

Orlando Jordan fans have longed to hear it, Orlando Jordan is World Series Champion…well, he did win a match.

And now to the main event, and all I can think is, “I wonder if I could beat Animal in a drinking contest?” Who knows, he looks like he’s done his share of beer bongs.

In a moment that made me laugh out loud, which is a good thing, Eddie hits Batista with a chair. Then he throws the chair to one of those M N M guys and lays down like he’s hurt. Seriously, it was funny as hell and made the entire match worth the price of admission.

Now we’re left with a few questions, however. Does Batista trust everyone? I mean he let HHH jack him around for months and now Eddie as well. Will HBK get his chaps back at WWE Homecoming? Will Christy call me? Will Simon Dean become the World Champion of the World? Should we order No Mercy?

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