Dan Crocker
Dan Crocker Drinks His Way Through the 10/7 Smackdown
By Dan Crocker
Oct 7, 2005, 23:36

Before I get started there’s something I have to say, so please allow me to be serious for a moment. Stacy, I’m sorry. Jennifer has been hurt, as you well know, she needed me and I reached out to her. You know me; I’m a man who just plain loves too much. Please forgive me and take me back. I’m sorry, baby, you know I like my women with a little bit of David Flair stank still on them. Call me, baby, I’m sorry.

Ok, now that that is out of the way, let’s talk Smack.

Teddy Long says something or other about the little match that could have been on Raw. Then we start things out with fartin’ Randy Orton. At least that’s what I’d call myself if I were him. Well, sometimes I call myself that anyway. When I’m alone. Which is most of the time.

Bob and Randy (would make a great title for a porno) are going to sacrifice Hot Rod tonight. I have one question? How does Big John Stud figure into all of this? Stay tuned.

Piper has a pipe. How many pipes would a pipe-chuck pipe if a pipe-chuck could pipe pipes. Three. And he clears the rings. There will be a handicap match later on. By handicap, I mean Piper will be coming out in his wheel chair (bad hip and all). Will Foley show up? No, but more on that later.

Our first official match of the night is between Booker T and Eraser Head. At about 8:15 I’m yelling at my television, “Put him in the crossface, Booker! You know he can’t take the crossface!” Booker doesn’t listen to me and the match lasts over thirty seconds. For the second week in a row, the match ends with a trip. That’s right, Sharmell (is that spelling correct?) trips Orlando and Book pins him. The trip is becoming the most dangerous move since Black Jack Mulligan used to punch people in the head with a loaded glove. Still, Book’s not looking too happy about getting some help. Show some appreciation, Booker, a win’s a win.

Does anyone remember the old Justice League America cartoon? The one where the Green Lantern could do nearly anything, except that he had one fatal flaw. The color yellow. Yep, he was stopped dead in his tracks by yellow. His nemesis, whose name I don’t feel like googling, had a ring like the Green Lantern’s, except it was yellow. The two would pretty much cancel each other out. I mean, C’mon, at least kryptonite is hard to come by, right? If you’re gonna have a weakness wouldn’t you rather it be something like kryptonite? If you’re the Green Lantern and some guy trying to rob the 7-11 down the street is wearing a yellow shirt, you’re screwed, right?

Well, that’s how yellow Mr. Kennedy’s hair is.

That said, I really like him on the mic. Here’s hoping they give his character time to grow.

Finally, we’re on to the second match of the night. Sylvan (he has great learning centers) v. Hardcore Holly. Holly has a new nick name—the Alabama Slamma! He’s going places. There hasn’t been a nick name like that since fartin’ Orton—which when you think about it, doesn’t even rhyme. About this time Cole calls Kennedy a “brash young punk.” The New York Times says he’s “uproarious…laugh out loud funny.” The Denver Post says, “Mr. Kennedy is the feel good flick of the year.” And the St. Louis Post says he’s “heart-warming.”

Oh yeah, Sylvan wins. Damn this nick name, Hardcore Holly thinks. Somewhere a lone dog barks.

One of the few highlights of this show—Piper’s promo on Bob Orton. Seriously, it was pretty funny. I could watch Piper and Scott Steiner give promos all day long, just to see which one would out crazy the other.

They show footage of a WWE press conference. Yep, they had a press conference. I didn’t see any of the press taking notes though…or even holding a tape recorder….or asking questions…and most of them were wearing WWE merchandise. Well, the press was a lot more serious in my day. I can remember when Terry Funk gave Flair the old pile driver through the wooden table routine. A few weeks later Flair gave a press conference to announce his retirement. I can tell you on that day, friend, you didn’t see Walter Cronkite throwing Flair softball questions like these so called journalists do now.

And we have a match! LOD 6000 v William Regal and Paul Burchill. He’s a hooligan. I can tell by his squinty eyes. Tazz calls them “two tough Englanites.” I couldn’t agree more, friend. I couldn’t agree more.

Christy Hemme nearly gets her pants pulled down. But, we’re not that lucky. Have you ever noticed that a wrestler can be near dead from a beating and they still have the energy to pull up their trunks…or in Flair’s case, to pull them off. Just one of those things that make you go hmmmmmmmm.

Anyway, no contest. M N M runs in and beats up LOD with steal chairs. Not just any chairs, mind you, STEEL chairs. Hey, I can’t help it. That’s just the way M N M rolls.

Look, let’s give Eddie Guerrero another chance. He’s a changed man. All he wants to do is give your grandma a bath. For God’s sake, let the boy give your grandmother a bath!

Eddie: “I thought I’d found my soul mate in you.”
Batista: “I want to believe you’ve changed, Eddie. I really do. But I’ve been hurt before.”
Eddie: “I have changed, baby. I love you.”

In what was probably the most homoerotic interaction I’ve ever seen between two wrestlers (and I’ve seen a lot of them) Eddie G and Batista nearly get married. But, Eddie’s a new man and he’s gonna give Batista “a little taste of it.” Actually, this wasn’t a bad spot at all. It was, however, very, very homoerotic. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Damnit. I just got a call from Vince McMahon. I’ve been fired.

Ok, I’ve been looking forward to this. Roddy Piper v. Randy and Bob Orton. Oh, Jesus, put the kilt back on, Hot Rod, put the kilt back on….Tazz has the audacity to sit there and try to tell me that Hot Rod is not in his prime…that he’s not in shape! Oh, then he has the audacity to sit there and tell me that Undertaker is in his prime. Ok….so Randy is beating up on Hot Rod, he rips off Roddy’s shirt. Man, that boy is pale. This isn't pretty folks. There’s a reason I don’t take my shirt off in public. It’s called common courtesy. Wait, do I hear a gong? It’s Chinese Buffet time! Nah, it’s just the Undertaker. He’s built a special coffin just for Bob and Randy. Not only is Undertaker a world champion boggle player, he’s also a master carpenter.

Cole: “This is eerie, eerie, Tazz. But not as eerie as it will be at No Mercy.”

I can’t make this shit up, folks.

Don’t hate on the Ortons. They’re just good ole boys, never meanin’ no harm. I know they beat all you ever saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they were born. But, they’re just makin’ their way the only way they know how.

In all of to ballyhoo Piper gets the roll up pin on Bob Orton. Just a few seconds before he’d looked like a dead mass of pale flesh, but he had a little left in the tank I guess. So is this the end of the feud? Why not make Randy and Undertaker a one on one casket match and give a little time at No Mercy to Piper and Daddy Orton? Seriously, the card needs something. And a little nostalgia never hurt anyone. I have the feeling, however, that this is it. They started something sort of cool at Homecoming and ended it tonight on Smackdown. Not with a bang, but a whimper. It just seems short sighted to me.

Bobby Lashley v. Eddie Munster. I don’t need to tell you how this one ends, but let me quote Cole one last time. “Talk about Simon Squats, how about Lashley squats!” I give up.

And now for the match Uncle Eric was afraid to show on Raw. The big six man tag. There was some good action in this match, especially between Guerrero and Benoit. Everyone else played their parts well and we got a taste of JBL and Rey. Not bad at all. I do have a question, however. Since Smackdown isn’t live why do they have to join the match in progress and why do we miss part of the match when they go to commercial break? I don’t tune into Smallville just to come back from commercial and find Clark in the middle of fighting some fool with no explanation.

All in all this was a lackluster Smackdown like so many of them seem to be. It’s just color by numbers safe booking. I’d like to be surprised at least once. It’s not like they don’t have the talent to put on a great show every week. Batista, Guerrero, Benoit, Christian, Booker T, JBL, Rey and others all have a wealth of talent either in the ring or on the mic, but sometimes it’s like even they’re bored. I don’t want to be one of those bitchy people who seem to never be happy with anything WWE produces. Really, I’m not. In fact, I’m pretty simple to please. I mean I suspend my disbelief and I watch wrestling to be entertained. Well, more on that in an upcoming column. For now, I think Eddie takes the title at No Mercy.

So. Rest In….mmmmmm hamburgers.

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