Dan Crocker
Dan Crocker's Smackdown (The Hungover Edition)
By Dan Crocker
Oct 15, 2005, 16:37

First of all, I’d like to point out that I actually taped Smackdown and watched it Saturday morning. You see, I was out all night with a buxom young blonde. We danced the night away then went back to my place and made sweet, sweet love. It was the best Friday night of my life.

Who am I kidding? I taped Smackdown because I went to my uncle Earl’s house and listened to his wife flap her gums about her goiter.

Blah, who am I kidding? I got drunk way too early and passed out.

In any event, I woke up bright, early, and hung over and watched my taped copy of Smackdown just for you, my loyal Crockerholics.

It’s Raven! Raven! Damnit, I taped over one of my old TNA PPVs and suddenly it’s Eddie and Randy. I don’t like Randy Orton and I’ll tell you why. He has better abs than me and I’m a small-minded, bitter old man. He probably really did dance the night away with a buxom young blonde. It’s ok. All is good. I like Eddie. He’s all arms. My arms are like two flabs of sausage, but I could conceivably have bigger arms someday. If I actually, you know, worked out. So, Eddie’s OK in my book.

Hey, those two are gonna fight later. Kick him in the abs, Ed!

JR’s there, too. Wait, no, it’s just cowboy Bob. Sorry, my vision is still a little blurry. It was actually Batista that booked the Orton/Guerrero match. See, Batista has completed his degree from the Kevin Nash booking academy of upper Wisconsin.

The toothless wonder, Chris Benoit is going to wrestle Orlando Jordan, again. But, it’s ok. Jordan takes a negative and makes it a positive. He now knows every counter to the crossface. He’ll actually quit WWE if he taps out to it.

Counter #1: Go to the ropes.
Counter #2: Roll around.
Counter #3: Front face lock.
Counter #4: The ropes again. Throw in the steel stairs this time.

By god, he does know every counter to the crossface. Unfortunately, Benoit also knows the sharpshooter and poor Orlando taps out again. He has the lowest pain threshold I’ve ever seen. Thank God he’s not giving birth.

I liked that match, but I can’t help but wonder if there are any long term plans for OJ at all.

Teddy Long has business backstage. You know what it is? He’s doing Sharmell. I know this because I read it in OK magazine. Oh, and there will be a fatal 4-way later. Not the porn kind. The wrestling kind.

I bet Animal could eat 20 cheeseburgers no problem. I could probably eat five. Unless they’re White Castle. Then I might eat twenty.

The Englanites, M N M, LOD, and the Mexicools have a scuffle. Super Crazy wins it via the moonsault. But then, believe it or not, two guys in black wife beaters run in and spoil the fun. Wait…I know these guys. I can’t quite put my finger on it…wait…yeah, it’s the Killer Bees. That’s B Brian Blair if I ever seen him.

Animal is meatnormous. And so far this week’s Smackdown is better than No Mercy.

It’s the Peep show.... Peep show. Christian is gonna talk to Stacy about my, her and Jennifer Aniston’s love triangle. You know, she actually looks a bit sad and embarrassed to talk about it. And I know she’s not that good of an actor. I’d hate to be a WWE employee and have a personal life. It’s like you have to make it into an angle. It’s an unwritten rule. Call it the Russo rule, if you will. Well, I feel dirty. Just about the time I’m ready to call it quits, Jennifer Aniston runs in with a steel chair and beats the hell out of Stacy. Call me crazy, but I like that hot girl on girl on steel chair action. No wonder I can’t choose between the two. I mean, I think Stacy is prettier than Jen, but Jen really needs me right now. Oh well, call me Stacy. Again, I’m sorry, baby.

Fatal four-way: Booker, Rey, JBL, Christian, and Rey. Oh, and Booker. And Rey. Booker T wins with the help of Sharmell. He doesn’t even realize it. Poor guy, he doesn’t get the Replay. Hey, Booker, you can borrow my tape if you want. You see, I was out with Stacy Kiebler all night dancing the night away so I had to tape Smackdown. So, yeah, come on over and get the tape. It’s pretty good this week.

Mr. Kennedy doesn’t wrestle, but he says his name a lot and the fans really like that.

I hail from parts unknown.

Bobby Lashley vs. so and so. So and so dropkicks Lashley and it actually hurts him more than it hurt Lashley. That’s when you know you have weak feet. He needs to visit Dr. Scholls.

Hey, the Boogeyman debuts and my daughter says, “Dad, this is just freaky.” You know what’s really freaky? I totally forgot I had a daughter.

Anyway, Boogeyman has stolen Flava Flavs clock. And he likes to quote lines from Nightmare on Elm Street. And he has some sort of nervous tick in his mouth. Otherwise, he seems sort of cool.

You know what’s better than the movie The Warriors? Nothing, that’s what. I can’t wait for the video game. You know, back in WCW, booker so stole all of his catch phrases from that movie. Can you dig that, sucka?

Eddie and Randy fight it out. It’s a good match. Randy gets DQ’d when his dad rolls his fat belly around on Guerrero. Batista makes the save and it sets up a tag team match for next week. Me, I’m taking an aspirin and going back to bed. Later, I have to go to a poetry reading. I’m hoping for a run in myself.

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