Dan Crocker
Dan Crocker's Smackdown (The Porky Edition)
By Dan Crocker
Oct 22, 2005, 22:38

Let me tell you a story, dear reader. My "wife" made an appointement to get my "dog" fixed. Let's call the dog, Willy. So you see, I was woke up at 6am this morning for a forty five minute drive to get my dog's balls cut off, in theory. Let's pretend I have to sit in the back seat with Willy the entire way just to keep the poor buckaroo calm. Now, imagine if you will, after sitting another forty minutes in the waiting room, I have a change of heart (not that this was, if it really happened, my idea anyway). Picture me standing up in the middle of the waiting room, grabbing my 60 lb mutt, yelling "Nevah!" and running as fast as my fat legs will take me out of the joint. For just a moment, let's act like my "wife" was really, really, really mad and her last words to me were, "don't you dare write about this." That's what sort of day I've had. In theory. But my mutt still has his perverbial nuts. Does Smackdown? We'll see.

Oh, I'm also writing on notepad--no spellcheck. (don't ask why, my computer problems are stuff of legend) Beer and no spellcheck, hold onto your horses. I can't find my Paul Simon CD either. I also want to give a shout out to Carrie Kincaid--sit back and learn something about wrestling, girl.

Look For Paul Simon on Amazon Now!

(JG Note: Whoops. Wrong one.)

Matt Fact: My girlfriend left me and all I got was a lousy welcome to Smackdown.

And we open with Booker T. vs. Benoit. I can dig that, sucka. They start with a handshake. They end with a low blow via Sharmell straight to Benoit's under parts (in 1988, I actually saved him from the vet's knife as well). Booker T is your new champ. Booker is so oblivious to his wife's help that it's actually funny. And believe it or not this isn't the last good match, nor the last funny moment tonight. Man, in the middle of that match, Benoit tried a suicide plancha through the second rope, missed, and landed small of the back first on the announcer's table--which didn't give! It got a holy shit from the crowd and from me. That really looked like it hurt. Almost as much as a knife to the sack.

Now, I ain't sayin' Sharmell's a gold digger, but....you know the song. I can't help but wonder, however, why the heck the US title means so much to her? Does Booker get a raise? When her and Book go to high-class parties do her socialite friends look down their noses at her and say, "my husband just sold his stock in IBM and made 3 million. So, how is your husband doing, Sharm? Still not U.S. Champion, I see."

Backstage Cowboy "Ace" Bob Orton is constipated and can't wrestle tonight. Randy is gonna have to find another partner or have yet another handicapped match.

Still backstage, JBL has this to say about Edge: "Yum, yum, come get ya some." Scary.

Matt Fact: In 2005, Matt was castarated by Vince McMahon. Sadly, Dan Crocker wasn't there to save him.

I thought Matt was gonna be on the Peep show? Christian is nowhere to be seen. Instead, we get a match with Simon Dean. Matt isn't even allowed to talk. You know, WWE had a chance to really get Matt over on RAW and blew it. Edge could have lost the loser leaves RAW match and went to Smackdown to fued with Batista. Everyone wins. But no, Matt has to be punished for having a huge internet following. I'd laugh till I crapped my pants if both Christian and Matt showed up on TNA.

Oh, Matt wins.

Cole says that Matt had his most success ever on Smackdown and now he's back to try to get into that groove. So is he saying that Hardy couldn't make in on RAW, so he's come back to the B show? As a Smackdown Reviewer, I Mr. Crocker . . . . Crocker . . .resent that. That's calling me a B columnist!

Security is standing outside to keep RAW wreste....superstars out of the building. As we'll see, they didn't get their monies worth. This is some piss poor security folks. I saw one of them sipping something from a bottle covered in a brown paper bag. Hey, man, don't bogart the Maddog 20/20. Pass it this way, ok?

Raw magazine is a lot like Oprah's magazine, O. You see, O has Oprah on the cover every month. RAW magazine has HHH. They sort of look alike and they both have way too much power over creative control.

I swear, half of Smackdown is spent recapping RAW.

Another match! Another Match! Good, God, another match! (we miss ya, JR). JBL and Rey are gonna go for lucky number three. Rey is only half as big as JBl's left buttock. Eventually, JBL gets Mysterio into a back breaker. But Rey does Yoga, so he just laughs in JBL's belly button. Rey hits the moonsault on JBL...it's like a flea diving face first into a big pile of crap. The crap never feels a thing. Rey (I don't mind if he's small, he's a fantastic wrestler--I can't always be sarcastic) hits the 90210. But, holy moly, the security fell asleep on the job and Edge comes right out of the crowd (where he was picking up other wrester's girlfriends) and spears Rey Rey. JBL chases him back into the crowd. Get this, JBL jumped over the guard rail! Next thing you know, Chris Masters is in the ring (no kidding) and has Rey in the Master's Lock. Man, those guys from RAW have one mission and one mission only--beat up Rey Mysterio. Some cruiser weights try to make the save, but Master's beat them all up because the McMahons see the success of TNA's X division and they really want to build that weight class up. Blah, you know the rest. Harcore Holly chases him off with the threat of some stiff shots.

You guys wonder why I'm home every Friday night eager to review Smackdown? Last time I had personal relations, Jillian Hall ended up with that thing on her face.

After the match, I'm left wondering if maybe we should call for an end of the traditional wrestling trunks. More and more wrestlers are moving away from them, and I'm not sure I want to see JBL in his underwear again.

Backstage, it's a brouhahah. Rey wants Edge. He wants that sucker, man (actual quote). I hope this is building up to something cool for wrestlemania, I really do. I'm what you would call an optimist.

Next Match Bobby Lashley vs. Baron Von Raschke in gay, leather daddy drag. Von Raschke wins via the Iron Claw.

I get it. Bobby Lashley is big. I want to see something more from him now.

Randy Orton is going to have a mystery partner tonight, which reminds me, I have to get my gear on and get to the arena.

10/21/05 OMG, Dusty Rhodes is in the ring. This is important, I better transcribe it word for word.

"There's a Junior beatin' off in Trashcan . . .. . . . . . . . . . .if you will."

Ok, it's the long awaited debut of the juniors. This has my vote for MOI of the week. Specifically, the fat one eating an entire ham. His name, I kid you not, Super Porky. This bit might not have been politically correct, but I couldn't help but laugh. It wasn't the people, it was the goddamn ham. That and Super Porky looks just like a boss I used to have back when I used to wash dishes...except Super Porky is shorter.

Teddy Long calls the entire ordeal insanity. Thanks for the plug, Ted.

He tries to run but guess who's there . . . The Boogeyman. He scares the bejeebus out of the little ones. Hush now, Super Porky, Papa Dan is here. Let me rock you to sleep. Hush little Porky don't you cry, Dan is gonna buy you a brand new ham.

At another part of bacstage (I know, I know!) Slyvan is talking to his abs. Double H starts the hardcore match right then and there. They battle into an elevator and . . . we go to commercial.

Ultimate Spiderman! Ok, I live in a small town. We have one Blockbuster and that is it (they don't rent wrestling DVD's by the way) and they have one copy of Ultimate Spiderman. I've been there every day for three weeks trying to rent it and it's always rented out by the same kid. Some 13 year old punk who won't return it until he beats it, but he can't beat it because his mom won't let him play it until he brings up his basic math grade.

And we're back. Cole wants to apologize for the abrupt interruption. Hey, Cole, IT'S A TAPED SHOW!

Christy Hemme's Booty throws Hardcore Holly into some sort of spasm and Slyvan gets the upper hand. Yada, Yada, Yada, broomstick, table, wait, who the heck puts this stuff under WWE rings and why? We've already established that there is PLENTY of storage room backstage.

Grizzled old, veteran janitor: I just don't know where to put this kendo stick, son. There's no more room, no more room, I tell ya.

Young, brash and cocky new janitor: Put it under the wrestling ring, old man.

Grizzled Old, veteran janitor: (thinks for a moment, close up) Ok, but if Mr. Mcmahon finds out...if any of the wrestlers find this and use it, it's your ass, kid, not mine.

And the Alabama Slamma wins his first match since his hairline receeded.

Eddie Guerrero is my Papi. I can't help it. He can wrestle like a wildfire and he can act, at least as far as wrestling acting goes.

Well, we end up with Randy Orton vs Batista and Eddie G. However, it's not long until Randy's partner is revealed. It's Mr. Kennedy....Kennedy. Hey, I copyrighted that earlier in the column. Expect a call from my lawyers, Mr. McMahon.

Well, they can't get along and they all punch and kick each other. Billy Graham prays over Cowboy Bob and his constipation clears up and he comes out to help. It's a miracle. I would never have thought it possible. He distracts everyone and somebody...I'm grabbing a beer at this point...goes after Batista with a steel chair and Eddie throws himself in harms way and takes the shot. I knew that boy had changed. There's a DQ and everyone beats the stuffing out of Batista. But it's not over yet. Teddy Long says there will be a six-man tag next week (and Smackdown has a lot of those) but we'll throw Roddy Piper in the mix just for good luck.

Folks, two good Smackdowns in a row. I can dig that, Sucka.

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