Derek Burgan
2006 is the Year of The Warrior
By Derek Burgan
Jan 10, 2006, 16:52

2006: Year of The Warrior

By "Warrior"

Tenured professor of Warrior University

Now that the abomination that was the year 2005 has slithered down the filthy drain and into the sewer of forgotten memories and broken dreams, meeting the fate that thousands of past mortal calendars have endured and crumpled under, down with it also went what was left of the social, moral, ethical, spiritual, virial and estuarial make-up of this land that you people call Earth. Both in Indonesia and New Orleans I appreciated and applaud the efforts of Mother Nature to cleanse the weak, stupid, undisciplined and dependent inhabitants that infested these regions of filthy, unwashed, soulless, backwards, societal miscreants better known as you people, but due to the efforts of so many misguided mental slaves having their emotional puppet strings pulled by the corrupted seed of the herpes-laden penile instrument of the nation: the so-called media, the masses instead reaped pity and charity.

Wretched.

For what is a media that does not report fact, but only fictitious lies and liberal ideology? Immoral scum sucked from its location by the lowest form, which carries no sense of morals. Are you listening Grandma O’Riley? Or are your mud flaps so far over your head that you can’t hear and understand anything? Fair and balanced is only fair and balanced if the scales of thought truly hang even, like the sagging breasts of a grandmother shamed by the obnoxious actions of her branchless family tree. 

This is not WARRIOR.

What is also not Warrior is the undying urge for so many to blame the said Matriarch of all that is Natural for their 2005 predicaments, instead they should blame the true cause for so much destrucity.

The Chinese.

Thankfully, Warrior does not deal in stereotypes, as I take all of these small, industrial, war-like, rice-eating, anti-Americans individually, but I have many issues with the way their past leaders have juxtaposed the moon and the sun, with members of the animal kingdom to create a calendar that instead of honoring their human physical forms, instead honors the forms of life that those of us who have evolved at the top of the food chain devour. There are those of you who may believe I am nothing but a bottom-feeder, but how can you think Warrior and then think crabs? You do so by being one of the weak minions. You can’t tell me I am a crab, when in reality I am a mighty tiger. But I digress…

2005: the year of the monkey?

Pathetic.

The same way that the majority of our citizenry are emotional and psychological midgets just hoping and waiting for someone to rescue them for the responsibility of their life, the Sino nation does the same, and instead of counting down the days from which Jesus was born, instead they count down the creatures that supposedly showed up for a meeting with a fat man named Buddha. Rats? Boars? Goats? And 2006 is the year of the dog?

How fitting.

And because the both the knower and the known are one, one must know that knowing the known one is the epitome of one really knowing, and that knowing is half the battle. Malicious lies done by men who do not know the rightful path, or are not enrolled at the University of Warrior. But I am here to clear the verbal smog of what’s been spouted by so many, and instead show my great class and modesty by declaring the Gregorian calendar years extinct, and proclaiming 2006 as the Year of the Warrior.

This is just the next logical appendage to grow from the body, spirit, and soul that is being Warrior. When I began to realize that the character I created wasn’t really a character at all - but actually an omnipresent deity to be celebrated by small-minded peons such as you - that unique chapter in my life instead penned itself into a novel the likes of which Tolstoy could not comprehend. I learned that “being Warrior” was simply a precursor to my discovery that Warrior, as a human being, wasn't one.

Granted, I was unready for the realization that even the omnipotent must fight with their former employers, then the lawyers that sued their former employers, then their former employers again when they dare not feel the power of the Warrior on DVD…How can Warrior be explained in only one DVD when the reality of what is really real can not truly be expressed in the ways of a mortal, but only through an extensive DVD collection put out by a minion who truly understands the meaning of the word WARRIOR…. All of those liberal maggots at the Screwniversity of Connecticut, and those so-called “conservatives” who apologized to the maggots because I wasn’t P-C, but too righteous. They know now the power of the Warrior, and they are now my little Warriors, and together we will make this a new day, with a dawn of fire and a dusk of ice.

The ink is black. The page is white. Together they learned how to read and write. But in this, the Year of the Warrior, they will learn the real lessons, either the simple way or the hard way. They will feel the power. They will know how simple things can be when I make them so complex. I will return this year, not as a man, or a myth, or a hard edge conservative, but as your savior from the unjust of all my little Warriors.

Always Believe.

WARRIOR.

Warrior would like to thank his Director of Communication, Mike Sempervive, and his Chief Propaganda Officer, Keith Lipinski, for their invaluable help in brining the true message of destrucity to the unwashed masses.