WWF Rampage '92

(Not available for Puchase, but Rampage '91 can be found by clicking here)

Here begins my first in hopefully a long line of reader reviews. I bring to
you a tape put out by our friends over at Colliseum Home Video, the one, the
only, RAMPAGE 92! The box features a pic of the most unintentionally
hilarious man in wrestling, The Ultimate Warrior. Originally produced in
1992, Rampage 92 features an oversized box and durable plastic construction.
I chose to review this bad boy because a) I hadn't watched in a long time,
so I couldn't remember who won before the match started, and b) With a line
up of Razor Ramone (spelled that way on the box), The Ultimate Warrior, AND
The Berzerker all in one tape, who am I to resist?

On to the action

I missed the first few minutes, but I made it back from the fridge just in
time to catch the first match.

Undertaker v. Razor Ramon(e)

Da Bad Guy walks to the ring. This is shortly after he debuted, and he's a
heel. Lord Alfred Hayes mentions that both men are undefeated. Hmm, I
smell a countout, a staple of Coliseum Home Video.

Taker comes out, and of all the elements of "Classic" Taker to come back
post-WM 20, the one that's missing is the giant tie. Every lame ass Randy
Orton segment would be worth it if I knew I had some giant tie comin' my
way.

The action in the ring begins. UT no sells some right hands, no sells some
kicks, stares, all dead like. Taker gets some offense, so Razor bails.
This begats some outside brawling, more punch-kick offense back in the ring.
Big body slam by Mean Mark, and apparently Ramon is doubling for Andre the
Giant, because Lord Al says that's the first time he's seen him slammed.
What a historic moment (dry sarcasm). Razor regains his bearings, sends the
Deadman out, but Under- comes back with his patented
Stunner-on-the-ropes-slingshot, which I will now officially dub the
flingshot, since the guy taking it usually flings himself comically across
the ring. The two combatants trade blows to deafening silence. Crowd pops a
little to Old School, back when it was just School, but Double R counters
and throws the American Badass off the top. Why doesn't everyone do that?
Makes me think wrestling might be fake, at least parts of it. More Ramon
offense, they spill to the outside again, Take goes into the steps. Razor
gets the weakest chair shot ever, then a 2nd, better one, then yet another
devestating shot, which brings UT all the way to his knees. I think Paul
Bearer was distracting the ref. Oh, the irony! Anyway, Taker pops right up
as if nothing happened, using his urn to draw upon his magic powers. In the
ring, Scott Hall thinks he won by count out, or at least got the big man to
sell. Neither could be further from the truth. Razor goes for his little
used modified chokeslam, no go, Taker's back on offense, but No! Razor gets
a shot in, and locks on the pride of Wilbur Snyder, the abdominal stretch.
Gorilla Monsoon reads my mind from 13 years in the past and says this is a
complete waste of time, but wait, Razor has the ropes! So obviously, the
Head of the Ministry no sells that too, and hip tosses Ramon right over, but
misses a leg drop. Razor punches, and I'm getting real sick of this match.
Eye poke by Razor, and after this slow paced punch-kick match, a needless
rest hold, the rear chinlock. Once again, Carnac Monsoon echoes my
sentiments by saying it'll buy Razor time. Yeah, buy him time to catch his
breath, and buy me time to get something to drink. A few members of our
silent audience come alive, then fall silent once again. Short Taker
comeback, goes for the Tombstone, Razor slips off and bails. Wouldn't you
know, we have a countout, wait a sec, a double countout. I thought just
Razor walked out, but Undertaker "gives chase" at approximately 0.4 mph. At
least those "undefeated streaks" stay intact.

Rating: Two thumbs up, four thumbs down. Two thumbs up for futre star
power only, and the four thumbs down are for (in no particular order):
Taker's no selling of everything, needless rest hold, the no-finish, and my
personal enemy, the abdominal stretch ring rope trick.

Well, the next match should wake me up. Bret Hart v Shawn Michaels, for the
Intercontinental Title. Hey, its Sean Mooney. They should fire that black
chick on Smackdown and bring in Mooney. The backstage interviewer,
Crystal(?), not Sharmell, although Booker T and Mooney could be gold. Hmmm.
Anyhoo, this match features Shawn Michaels, with his original "Sexy Boy"
theme, sung by Sensational Sherri, whom he's accompanied by, with a giant
mirror. Shawn should bring back his classic tights, I mean those pants
thing he wears now just aint HBK. Its like Hogan sans 'stache. Now out
comes Bret "The Screwjob, er, Hitman" Hart, with his forgotten Hart
Foundation music. Hart seems to take forever to soak in the crowds
adulation, as we are in Canada for this one. Finally, the match starts,
lockup, armdrag by HBK, mocks Hart's pose. They trade arm wrenches, HBK
pulls the hair, into an armbar, Michaels switches to a hammerlock, Bret
reverses into one of his own, but Micheals reverses that. Hart runs and
ducks, sending HBK through the ropes. Frustrated heel acting by Shawn
outside the ring, finally re-enters. Shawn arrives just in time to get his
arm punded, culminating in a top wristlock. Shawn gets out, punches, Bret
reverses a whip into the buckle, HBK jumps up to avoid, but turns around
into a Hart clothesline, cover, 1-2-kickout, more wristlock. Shawns back to
his feet, whip, leapfrog by Hart, Shawn tries to leapfrog on the rebound,
but Bret catches him, spinebuster like manueuver, slingshot into the buckle,
1-2-kickout, more wristlock, again. HBK's up, whipk, shoulderblock by Hart,
bounces off the rope, but HBK buries the knee, stomps by Michaels, slam the
head into one buckle, hard whip into the other, more stomps and a foot
choke. Sexy boy distracts the ref for some Sensational Sherri shennanigans.
Mr. Hickenbottom follows up with the running crotch to the guys back while
hes in the ropes, which, once again, after years of anonyminity, I hereby
dub the Humpback, cuz youre kind of humping the guys back. Cover,
1-2-kickout, whip, Harley Race Tested, Triple H approved high knee,
1-2-kickout. HBK locks on the dreaded rear chinlock, and I can finally slow
down writing. Bret elbows out, but OH! the irony, as he catches Shawns
elbow as he bounces off the ropes, 1-2-kickout. More chinlock. Lord Alfred
says using the same hold over and over is a hallmark of great wrestler.
Yes, or Sid Vicious. Same dif. Bret counters into the top wristlock, but
Shawn gets a knee to the gut, whip, but Shawn phonographed the back body
drop, small package by Bret, 1-2-kickout. HBK storms over and rakes Brets
eyes. I know it doesnt make sense when you see it written out, but thats
what happened. HBK gets 3 punches, bounces off the ropes to give that last
one extra pep, 1-2-kickout, more chinlock. Arm goes down once, twice, but
shockingly, Bret keeps it up at 3. (Don't believe me, ask his WIFE!)(fake
laugh) Bret performs the universal counter to the rear chinlock, standing
up. They trade blows. HBK gets a sleeper, Bret drives him into the buckle,
weak dropkick by Shawn, which Lord Alfred calls him out on, 1-2-kickout.
Hard whip to the corner by Shawn, Bret gets a foot up at a charging
Michaels, 2nd rope clothesline, inverted atomic drop, shots to the gut, whip
to the buckle, Shawn hangs himself up, Hart kicks him, then delivers a
headbutt, clothesline to the back of the head, 1-2-kickout. Outback Jack he
aint. Backbreaker by Hart, 2nd rope elbow, 1-2-kickout. Euorpean uppercut,
Shawn counters a 2nd with a backslide, 1-2-feet in ropes. Schoolboy by
Bret, 1-2-kickout. Double knockdown, both up. Bret catches a Pre-Sweet
Chin Music side crescent/Super Kick, goes for his initial singles finisher,
the High Crotch Cradle Back Suplex, which I have dubbed "Sweet Crotch
Music". Bret counter SCM with a sunset flip, 1-2-kickout, Both up, Bret
catches a Shawn kick, spins him around, but HBK floats over a back suplex,
rollup, Bret keeps rollin', 1-2-kickout. Shawn accidentally runs into
Sherri on the apron, falls victim to the schoolboy, 1-2-3! What? No title
change on the tape? I'm aghast.

Rating: 3 thumbs up, 1 thumb down. Three thumbs for picking up the pace
after the first match, GOOD use of rest holds (aided by a hot crowd) and
overall athleticism. One down for the lame manager bump school boy finish
to an otherwise fine match.

Up next is a segment called "Makeup tips with Sensational Sherri". Uh-huh.
The sole highlight of this part, where Sherri makes some ugly blond chick
uglier, is when she uses the word "dammit" on a Coliseum home video.

Out on the wild west, Sean Mooney is in a bar, dressed up as a cowboy,
getting into an especially choreographed fight for killing some guys
brother. I don't believe it. Maybe Pettingill, or Kevin Kelly, but not
Mooney. A BLAM effect is used on the screen for one punch, but not for any
others. Now I'm confused.

Oh boy, oh boy a 40 man battle royal! This won't be the most complete
recap, but its basically guys going over the top rope, so what are you
really missing.

Entrants: Money Inc, Virgil, Barry Horriblewitz, Rick Johnson, Al Hunter,
British Bulldog, Glen Ruth(?),The Beverlies, Jim Powers, Duane Gill, Repo
Man, Brian Knobbs, Sgt Slaughter, Jerry Saggs, Kerry Von Erich, Scott
Palantonio(?), Barry Hardy, Tony Ulysses, Bob (insert last name), Owen Hart,
Koko B. Ware, Bret Hart, Bruce Mitchell, Kato, Jim Brunzell, the Dublin
Destroyer, Skinner, Tito Santana, Rick Martel, and Ta-TONK-a, as Fink put
it. Insert your favorite jobbers to make up the difference, as I could hear
the names of the nondescript over Lord Alfred and Sean Mooney, who managed
to fly to that arena from the wild west in mere seconds.

Highlights: Hayes calls this match a donnybrook

Announcers dont know names of jobbers eliminated.

Lord Al say Hacksaw Jim Duggan is still surviving, despite
not being in the match.

Rick Johnson (I think) skins the cat to avoid elimination. My new favorite jobber.

British Bulldog wins, last eliminating a Beverly

Rating: 39 thumbs up, one thumb down. All the participants get a thumb up,
except for Koko B. Ware. When will you learn?

Up next is Coliseum Video Trivia?

Bulldog, w/IC belt, asks us who his original tag team partner was. I'll
say, the Ultimate Warrior, as the Steroids and Tassles Express.
Oh, its Dynamite Kid, as the British Bulldogs. Same thing. Interesting
note, while reading the answer, Davey Boy was visibly reading cue cards to
recount his own history. Nice.

Now its time for Tatanka v Rick "the model" Martel

A real barnburner of a feud, with The Model wearing Tatankas feathers, and
in direcr contrast to his character, looking like crap in the process. Some
heavy accent mic work for heat, then yiyiyiyiyiyi...etc . Tatonkatoy runs
to the ring. The Ultimate Lumbi Warrior nails some generic offense, atomic
drop, clothesline, etc. Sylvan Grenier Classic heels it up, choking, etc.
Martel busts out the gutwrench suplex, the only noteworthy move of the
match. Tatanka, or T-money, gets the win after a school boy.

Rating: 3 thumbs down, for a weak feud (feathers?), weak offense, and a
weak finish. It all adds up to a bathroom break match, even if you can
pause it.

More Trivia. Ric Flair is yelling at the top of his lungs as fast as he
can. He asks what was so special about his first title win? Heres a hint:
it shouldnt take you an hour to figure it out. It better not, cuz the
counters already at :10! I'll say "Whoo!"
Turns out he won the 92 rumble, whoo! Well, I was half right.

Back on the wild frontier, frequent flyer Sean Mooney gets shoved around and
ducks a gunshot, resulting in one death.

Up next, The Legion of Doom v. The Beverly Brothers.

The Beverlys have the horriblest music ever, its so bad its awesome.
They're accompanied by The Genius. The Bevs look almost depressed when the
mug for the cameras, poor guys. A young trim Tony Chimmel hands the mic to
the Genius, who reads a poem about a sissy six man tag, and how he hates to
brag. Whatever.

Next is LOD, w/Precious Paul Ellering, but sadly, no Rocco. For some reason
Paul is in black trunks a sleeveless turtleneck. Um, shouldn't LOD tell him
he looks like that? Wait, is this a six man tag? Genius is in a full body
suit, ready to roll, so I guess it is.

Precious and Genius start off, Paul gets a big neckbreaker, but Genius gets
him to his corner, double team, some choking, but somehow PPE manages to tag
Animal, powerslam to a Beverly, so the Bevs stall. Tag to Hawk, more
stalling. A Beverly gets some offense, but cardiograms the backdrop and
gets his face busted. Hawk starts to unleash some offense, so more stalling
ensues by the heel tandem. LAME! More Hawk offense, but eventually his
shoulder meets a ring post. Genius distracts the ref, so a Beverly gets in a
shot with what is essentially a clipboard. Whatever. More lame Beverly
offense. Hawk gets a hot tag, Animal cleans house. Double team effort by
the Bevs, but the double telegram the backbody drop, double ddt. Animal
throws Hawk off the top rope onto a Beverly, 1-2-3. OOOH, what a nap!

Rating: 1 thumb up, 3 thumbs down. The lone thumb up is for the rare in
ring appearance of Paul Ellering and the Genius. However, the brevity of
said appearance, the clipboard as a weapon, and lack of Devestation Device
make this mess nearly unwatchable.

Even More Trivia
Bret Hart asks who he first defeated for the IC belt, and why it was so
special. I'll say he beat Hardcore Holly, and it was special because it
involved time travel.
Oh, it was Mr. Perfect, and his parents were in the crowd. Damn!

Now onto more tag action, Money Inc. v. El Matador and Virgil (Minorities,
Inc.)

Tito's matador suit is pretty hard to look at, and Virgil has the most
forgettable music ever. Lord Alfred claims Virgil is the most improved
wrestler of the 90s. He must be a fan of Virgil, or alcohol. Money Inc.
comes down, and Irwin cuts the following promo:"What you people need is a
good old fashioned audit." Guess he's not a fan of the much clamored for
new wave auditing. Tito starts off, takes advantage of IRS, and Gorilla
claims he's "LITERALLY cleaning house". Scrubbin' Bubbles notwithstanding,
an illegal switch by the FACE team, and an IRS tag, and it's WrestleMania 7
all over again. Ted dominates Big Virg, but eventually the man-god we call
Virgil gets the tag, and Dibiase takes it from both faces. L-Mat gets the
ol' knee in the back by Irwin, and thus begins the double team heel
domination. They trade off on the deadly rear chinlock, but eventually Tito
gets a swinging neckbreaker, then a hot tag, and Virgisil sloppily cleans
house, Russian Leg Sweep on IRS, 1-2 broken up by Ted. The faces get a
double dropkick to both opponents, but Virgil succumbs to the Warrior-Rude
Suplex special, and Money Inc., having dropped their deuce earlier, pick it
up.

Rating: Two thumbs up, one thumb down. One thumb just for Dibiase's music,
and one for a solid tag match. IRS gets a thumb down for his one sentence
promo, I mean, why bother?

Up next is another scintillating installment of video trivia. Big Boss Man
asks us what kind of match he had with the Mountie at Summerslam 91. That's
what he meant to say. What he actually said was a jargon of words starting
with Mountie, throwing in Summerslam, and the end was him hiccupping, I
think. Anyway, I'll say it was a Kennel From Hell Big Show's Dad's Casket
Match. The answer is that the Mountie spent Hard Time in jail. Huh? This
whole things just a mess.

Up next is Repo Man v. Macho Man, man ,for the WW_ title. Why is Repo Man
#1 contender? I don't know, but I'm guarenteeing he walks out of here with
the belt. He immediately steals it and runs down the entrance, making good
on my guarantee. Randy gives chase, lays the beat down, but Repo gains
control in the ring, and keeps it for a while, sends him out and smashes
Randy's head into the stairs. Back in the ring, Randy comes back with a
clothesline and a weak top rope cross body,1-2-kickout. Repo regains
control, and after a pin attempt following a snapmare, Rep' tops it off with
a rear chinlock of doom. Macho tries to come back, RM shuts it down, but
Savage floats over a scoop slam, shoulderblock, 1-2-kickout. Whip to the
corner, Macho gets the elbow up, but Repo gives him a knee to the gut.
Savage gets tied up in the ropes, so, in a great show of psychology, Repo
undoes the turnbuckle pad to distract the ref while he uses his rope with a
hook on it, which he no doubt regularly uses to tow cars by hand. Eventually
Savage gets out, cover by Repo, 1-2-kickout, and nobody in the crowd cares.
Big back suplex by Repo, and another deadly rear chinlock. Macho makes it
to his feet, hip toss, goes for a top rope move, but Repo gets a shot to the
gut. More Repo brawling, whip to the corner, but Macho gets his feet up,
nails the top rope double ax handle, 1-2-foot on ropes, crowd is still
indifferent. Randy punches and chokes, so the ref admonishes him, allowing
Repo to get his leetle friend, but the ref stops him, leaving him open to a
Macho right hand, then a taste of his own medicine with a hook shot! Flying
elbow, 1-2-3! Crowd pops, no doubt elated this match is finally over.

Rating: Two thumbs up, Four thumbs down. One up for the sheer rarity of a
92 Savage title defense, and for Repo Mans bravity, wearing grey in
wrestlings "neon" period. But twice as many tumbs down cuz this match
sucked, sucked, sucked, and sucked.

Another Mooney segment out west, culminating in him diving off a building.
OH! It was just a stunt double. Turns out westerns arent real like
wrestling.

The MAIN EVENT, Papa Shango and Berzerker v. The Ultimate Warrior and The
Undertaker

I'm pretty tired of recapping horrible matches, so here are the lowlights.

Berzerker husses.
Lord Alfred says Ultimate Warrior may be the best wrestler of all time. Him
or Dennis Stamp.
Warrior botches the first move of the match, a clothesline over the top on
Shango.
Berzerker nails a decent looking running dropkick on Taker, who no sells it.
Warrior botches an irish whip to the corner.
Berzerker nails kneeling headbutts to Warriors gut in the corner, resembling
the worlds worst blowjob.
Taker chokeslams Berzerker
The ref starts counting Shangos shoulders down while Warrior is still in mid
air during his finishing splash.
Wow. Simply amazing.

Rating: 2 thumbs up, 10 thumbs down. One thumb up apiece for the moves of
the match, Berzerkers running dropkick, and the Chokeslam. One thumb down
apiece for each botched, weak, or stupid looking move.

Overall: If youre a fan of crappy wrestling, and disturbingly, thats a
growing crowd, grab Rampage 92 if at all possible. There was one good
match, but you can watch Bret v. Shawn on many different tapes. This is for
nostalgia junkies and crapaholics only.

Overall rating (not including lop sided battle royal score) 12 thumbs up,
26 thumbs down.

***

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