My Mugshot Could Outwrestle Bret Hart

By "Ric Flair"
16 time World Champion

Perhaps you read the in the news about my particularly bad week. Or maybe you saw it on the internet. There's also a chance you read about it in those God-forsaken dirtsheets -- you know, the rags that guys like Bret Hart always spill  the secrets of our business to. Well, no matter how you found out the news, I have to admit that it’s true.  I have had one hell of a bad week. But you know what? No matter how bad it gets, I will always hold my blonde head high, knowing  I’m a better wrestler than Brett “the Hitman” Hart.

Let me explain.

Earlier this week my wife of 22 years, Beth, filed for divorce.  She accused me of a lot of things, including physical assault. I'll admit that I may have thrown a chop here or there, but sometimes, as the man of the house, you gotta lay your hand down!  I also want to go on the record and declare that I have never taken a Flair Flop into another women's bed outside of marriage. That said, I wasn't single for long, ladies, as I'm already engaged to the future Mrs. Flair number three! That's right, Bret, even my wife is newer than yours. The Nature Boy is driving a 2006 model while the Hitman is stuck with a used Italian lemon. Art imitates life!

You may have also read that my soon-to-be-ex-wife Beth wants to start garnishing my paycheck. She wants me to pay for her lavish lifestyle while she’s getting down and dirty with other men?! Over my 16 time World Champion body! Besides, I already gave her something way more valuable than money, the title of Mrs. Ric Flair! Beth can set up a booth at those fanboy rasslin’ conventions, sign a few Glamour Shots pics of herself and tell everyone what an a$$hole I am. That way she can prostitute herself the same lowdown and shameful way Brett does now at those WrestleReunions.  Hell, the way I see things, both Brett and Beth owe me money for making them famous!

And if that conniving woman does win alimony from the Nature Boy, she’s gonna have to get in line! That's right, the IRS has already gotten their grubby little hands on the Nature Boy's hard earned money that I made with my blood, sweat, and tears! WHHHOOOOO! But they also want the Nature Boy's limousine, my Lear jet, and custody of my star wrestling son Reid Flair -- who could outwork three of those Harts (Bruce, Keith, and Anvil) at the same time.  The government claims  I wasn't paying taxes way back in the day when I was selling out arenas night after night as WWE World Heavyweight Champion. You remember those days, back in '92 when I was a 60-minute man carrying glorified midcarders like Bret Hart to passable matches? I do and it makes the smile on my face that much bigger just thinking back on my career to end all careers! WHHHOOOOOO!

As you can imagine, with all that on my mind, I wasn't in the mood to deal with any moronic drivers during one of my rare off days. The North Carolina newspapers report that I "throttled" this individual who had about as much right being behind the wheel of a car as a guy like Bret Hart does in the main event at WrestleMania. As I always say, to be the man you got to beat the man! I may have put my hand around this driver's throat, but as a worker who prides himself on never hurting an opponent, I can assure you that there were no injuries involved. This guy saw me as an easy money mark and created a phantom injury, not unlike the Hitman claiming a concussion ended his career while still cashing checks courtesy of fellow scumbag Eric Bischoff! It is hard enough to watch a glorified stuntman like Mick Foley making money off the business, but to know that a common layperson may take my hard earned money in a frivolous lawsuit is too much to take! I should have demanded the arresting officers search the other driver’s car as I bet they would have found somas, open containers of Stacker 2 and one of those dirtsheet rags like the Wrestling Observer claiming I’m over the hill! Don’t believe what you read because I’ll be damned if some curtain-jerking minimum-wage punk will make a mark out of the 16 time World Champion!

Now I may have had a drink or two over the years, but if you had to watch my son David work a match, you'd drink too!. I kid, young David may be taking a while to learn this great sport of ours, but at least he's not a nutcase like that Teddy Hart. David was a former U.S. champion. That pothead Teddy couldn't find the United States on a map! 

So, in the end, I may have a new catch phrase that goes:

Wheelin', Dealin', Kiss Stealin'

Limousine Ridin', Jet Flyin'

Wife Beatin', Tax Cheatin'

Road Rage'n, Quickly Age'n

Son of a gun!

And I may be all of those things, and more, but one thing I'm not is Bret Hart, and because of that I'll have a smile on my face no matter how bad my week gets. My three disc DVD set (a WWE first by the way) is still a top seller, my book (which was actually written, compared to other wrestlers who just talk about writing a book) is a New York Times bestseller and I just bought my fianceé a $92,000 engagement ring (shhhhhhhhh! Don't tell the tax man!). The future smells like a bed of roses for the Nature Boy! WHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

To email Derek (or kill him, if you're Ric Flair reading this), you can drop a line to: Derek@WorldWrestlingInsanity.com