Derek Burgan
"I can’t work Akebono on New Years Eve at K-1’s Dynamite Show, Mr. Inoki, because I wasn't booked."
By Derek Burgan
Dec 27, 2005, 14:43

"I can’t work Akebono on New Years Eve at K-1’s Dynamite Show, Mr. Inoki, because I wasn't booked."

By Dennis Stamp
Headlining star of the film Beyond the Mat

I don't want to sound unappreciative here Mr. Inoki, 'cause I'm not, but I can't work against Akebono on your K-1 Dynamite Show this New Year's Eve at the Osaka Dome because I wasn't booked.

I don't want you to take no offense, as it sure was mighty nice of y'all to send that first class plane ticket to Tokyo, but I'm going to have to decline. A wrestler of my skill and ability needs to be booked months in advance, to whet the fans' appetite you see, not thrown on as a last minute replacement. Sure, when you first announced that Akebono was facing that so called "comedian" - I reckon I'm not the only one who don't find him funny - Bobby Ologuy, I was a bit surprised. Hell, look at the history of the territory I helped to build! Let's be honest Mr. Inoki, who could be a better opponent for a five hundred plus pound giant like Akebono then me, a journeyman wrestler from Texas?

Now, Ologuy has pulled out due to a celebrity eating contest on NTV’s Red White and Blue show (whose ratings double those of Dallas’ “Who Shot JR” episode) and you've requested me to appear. But Antonio, I wasn't booked.

It's true that I've kept in lean physical shape throughout the year. The trampoline and I have seen many a grueling session and I've recently added two pound Velcro ankle weights to my workout regimen. I could easily step into the ring and have a match of the year candidate, but Antonio, I wasn't booked.

Let me tell ya something. I helped build the southwest Texas wrestling territory that's been acclaimed across the world for putting pure wrestling over bloody death matches, and Mr. Inoki you have to understand that you must build up to such an epic encounter, as I would have with Mr. Bono, and not just throw it together at the last minute. Shoot, look at those classic Abdullah The Butcher-Cowboy Scott Casey matches. Think they could just come up with that last minute? I don't think so. And please don't ask me if I'd just like to referee, either, as I don't need your charity, Terry, er, Antonio. If I wasn't booked, then I wasn't booked.

Besides, my New Year's Eve is already planned as I'm taking the wife on a whirlwind trip to Branson, MO. How can I upset my partner of 25 years? We already have the bus tickets, a bottle of Kentucky's finest whiskey, and have been looking forward to this for almost three weeks now. Do you know how hard it is to get seats for the new Conway Twitty memorial? I just can't drop my plans at the drop of a hat, especially not for a match that is, at best, third from the top. Gosh, I was headlining against Dory Funk, Jr. in Tulsa almost three decades ago!

So, thanks again for the invite Mr. Inoki, but I'm going to have to pass. While I undoubtedly could get the 1, 2, 3 on Akebono after hitting my legendary Beil Throw, THE greatest finisher in Amarillo history, I can't appear on a show I wasn't booked on.  Tell you what though, I will leave next New Year's Eve open for you, but I need to hear back from you Antonio no later than Arbor Day. After that, I can't guarantee my availability. God bless, and I'd wish you a Happy New Year, but I understand you people wait to celebrate your new year of a farm animal at a later month.