Smackdown
Canadian Bulldog's Canadian Smackdown Spoilers: The Former World Champion Returns
By Canadian Bulldog
Jul 6, 2006, 22:19

Opening video: Mark Henry injured Batista six months ago. Let's watch it again! Because tonight… Batista… is… BACK!!!
 
We are(n't) LIVE tonight from Philadelphia, home of E-C-Dumb. That lame joke took me 20 minutes to write, people - LAUGH IT UP!!!
 
Match # 1: Battle Royal. Things kick off with Finley's music. Tony Chimmel announces that the winner will face Rey Mysterio, and probably pin him cleanly, at The Great American Bash. Let's see who's in the ring: we got Psychosis; Simon Dean; Super Crazy; Brian Kendrick; Paul London; Mister Kennedy; Funaki; The Pitbulls; Scotty Too Hotty. Wow -- any one of these guys could come out on top!  Seriously - did anyone ever believe Gorilla Monsoon when he used to say crap like "Virgil could win the Royal Rumble". Bullshit, Monsoon; don't lie to me. Virgil wasn't going to win dick, and you knew it.
 
Anyhoo… Matt Hardy is out next. William Regal and King Booker of Harlemot are the final entrants. JBL does his hilarious over-the-top praise for the royal couple, and Booker eats it up. Let's get this party started.
 
After a few minutes of jockeying, Super Crazy is the first guy eliminated, followed quickly by Psychosis. Sure - get rid of all the Mexicans first. Dubya's influence is felt yet again. Kid Kash is eliminated next before we go to commercial.
 
Back from the break, Scotty Too Hotty attempts The Worm, because that particular move always works SO WELL in a battle royal setting. Kennedy stops him. Within 30 seconds, Scotty, Noble, Funaki and Dean are eliminated. Matt Hardy tosses out Kennedy - what the..? We're down to six guys now - Booker's Court against Team ROH and V1.
 
Finley shoves London out of the ring, while Regal tosses out Kendrick with a vicious backdrop. Hardy eliminates Finley after Fit overdoes a blind charge, and we're down to three. Eventually, they do the time-tested spot where Regal and Hardy tie up near the ropes, and Booker eliminates both guys. Regal is slightly pissed but nonetheless tells us all to hail you-know-who. Winner: King Booker.
 
A quick aside during the commercials. Anyone seen the new WWE Magazine yet? No, not that one with Torrie Wilson on the cover, but the one with Batista on the front? I actually picked it up tonight, and it’s VERY different from your traditional wrestling magazine fare. Reminds me of a WWE-ized version of Maxim or something.
 
Kristal interviews someone, I think its Rey Mysterio, but I'm not really paying much attention to Rey Rey, if you smell what I'm cookin'. Rey apologizes to Chavo, and says that he's not finished with Mark Henry. He tells King Booker to watch his back at GAB.
 
Sylvan, the ambassador to Quebec, is here. Shouldn't he be overseeing the Montreal Jazz Festival this week? Sylvie personally invites us all to visit the greatest place in the world (Quebec) this summer. JBL informs us he'd rather spend his summer in hell. Sylvan shows us some pretty pictures. Geez, where's The Sandman already? Oh, wrong show. That's the entire segment? Lame.
 
Now we switch over to The Miz. I think I'd rather watch Sylvan, truth be told. Batista's gonna call out Mark Henry tonight, sez Miz. Cole reiterates that these are only rumors. This is not a proven fact. Then we're treated to clips of Mark Henry injuring Chris "Remember me?" Benoit, followed by clips of Batista beating up JBL at last year's SummerSlam.
 
Match # 2: Mister Kennedy vs. Super Crazy. Kennedy's "Misterrrrrrrrrrr" announcement gets interrupted by Crazy. Now THERE'S a reason for a feud. JBL goes on a long rant against Internet writers being chosen as "Jerk of the Month" in WWE Magazine, whilst Mister Kennedy introduces Super Crazy to Mister Resthold ("Rest-hold!"). Crazy gets in a bit of offense when he's distracted by Psychosis. Kennedy uses the opportunity to land his swanton bomb, pin Crazy, and afterwards, announce his own name. In my professional opinion, this match stunk. Winner: Mister Kennedy ("KEN-NE-DY!")

Backstage, Kristal is complaining that she should have slapped the hell out of Ashley last week when she had the chance. They forgot to mention to her that they were on the air, I guess. She quickly recovers (you go, girl!) to introduce her special guest, Tatanka. 'Tanka calls Great Khali the "most awe-inspiring person I've ever faced." Oh, really? More awe-inspiring than Big Bully Busick? More awe-inspiring than Repo Man? More awe-inspiring than The Berserker?
 
Backstage, Daivari is fondling a casket. I have nothing to add to this.
 
After the break… WWE was recently in Puerto Rico, Panama and the Dominican Republic. Good for them.
 
Match # 3: The Great Khali vs. Tatanka. Daivari (w/casket) introduces his charge and re-challenges The Undertaker to a "Punjabi Prison Match" at GAB. Tatanka comes out. Take a wild guess who wins. But still, was he REALLY more awe-inspiring than Rick "The Model" Martel? I think not. Afterwards, Khali goes to dump Tatanka in the casket when all of a sudden, fog begins pouring out of it. Geez, you'd think Daivari would have checked the casket beforehand to make sure it wouldn't pull a stunt like that. The Undertaker's Voice answers Khali's previous challenge.  Winner: The Great Khali.
 
After the break, lots of Diva Search recappage. Yay?
 
Match # 4: Vito vs. Psychosis. Speaking of Divas… they show Vito dressed to the nines while touring the Caribbean last week in a lovely strapless number. Doesn't that somehow conflict with Johnny Ace's dress code? JBL rants about Vito's sexuality, while Cole refers to Psychosis as "Super Crazy". Not either of their finest moments. This is a looooooong-ass match for what it is, and at one point, they blur out Vito's crotch. Lovely. Super Crazy -- the ACTUAL Super Crazy this time -- distracts Psychosis, allowing Vito to dry-hump his opponent into submission. Yep. Winner: Vito.
 
Backstage, King Booker, Sharmell and Regal are celebrating. Regal pours the royal couple some champagne as they plot for their win against Mysterio at GAB.
 
After the break, Batista is shown beating Triple H, while Mark Henry injures Kurt Angle. Not tonight, you jerks. It happened a long time ago…
 
Match # 5: The Pitbulls vs. Scotty Too Hotty and Funaki. What, they're not saving this one for PPV? JBL and Cole discuss a possible Pitbulls vs. London/Kendrick match, which I'm assuming ends up at GAB. Quick squash here. Winners: The Pitbulls.
 
ECW Recap -- the only time Canadians can watch ECW programming on TV, apparently. Hmmm, if they showed a Raw Recap already, I must have missed it. Of course, I already SAW Raw on Monday, so what the hell am I complaining about?
 
Cole and JBL review the top four matches for GAB. Backstage, Finley and Regal tease dissention for their triple-threat match against Bobby Lashley at the Bash. Finley's leprechaun starts humping Regal.
 
Friday Night SmackDown: Where grown men hump each other.
 
Match # 6: Bobby Lashley vs. Gregory Helms. They bust out one of those old-school inset interviews for Helms. You know which ones I mean, if you were watching wrestling in the late-80's to early-90's: "Earlier on, we had the chance to speak with The Warlord…". Helms says nothing of note. This is a Champion vs. Champion match.
 
After the break, we're told that Helms is two weeks away from becoming the longest-reigning cruiserweight champion ever (EVER!!!) and is currently the longest-reigning champion in WWE. Guess that's what happens when you never actually wrestle. Lashley wins in fairly short order with his powerslam thing. Winner: Bobby Lashley.
 
Backstage, Mark Henry warns Batista not to call him out tonight. Then, dude, just stay backstage then. You know he's calling you out. Ignore him.
 
Back to The Miz, a/k/a Bulldog's piss break, followed by commercials.
 
Batista is back! His first words: "Mark Henry, you get out here NOW!" Wait -- he called Henry out? For real? I thought that was just a wild rumor started by The Miz. Henry indeed comes out, then decides he doesn't necessarily want himself some Batista. But Rey Mysterio attacks him from behind and into Batista's waiting arms (that didn't mean to sound gay, I swear. I could have gone back and edited it, but… you know). Big Dave kicks the holy crap out of Sexual Chocolate, beating him with the steel steps and other various things. Officials finally tell Batista to cool it, and he starts leaving. If only the officials had listened to Miz's rumors, they may have been able to prevent this tragedy. Batista grabs a chair and beats on Henry a little bit more as we fade to black.
 
Again this week, nothing overly memorable here. Virtually every segment was predictable and boring. On the plus side, Rey got the week off from jobbing.