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BODYSLAMMED!
Two WWF Employees Terrorize
Town
Published: 2006-10-23 |
By Ted McInly .........
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This Article
Radson County, October
23, 2006 - The normally
peaceful community of Radson
was rocked this past week
when two professional wrestlers
terrorized the local residents.
Police were called to the
scene by Timothy Hando,
who seemed to be visibly
shaken from his ordeal.
“I thought it was
a joke,” Timothy explained.
“My wife said that
there was a little guy out
front with a chainsaw. I
thought she was trying to
pull a Halloween prank on
me on account of the fact
that we saw Roseanne Barr
do it on Nick at Night yesterday.”
Unfortunately for Hando,
it was far from a joke.
WWF employee Michael Cole
was at his front door, armed
with a Homelite Chainsaw
and screaming for him to
come outside. When Timothy
opened the door, that’s
when the barrage began.
“He kept asking if
I was ‘Corporal Kirchner.’
When I told him that I had
no idea who Corporal Kirchner
was, he started to cry.
That’s when he hit
me.”
Cole’s attack lasted
approximately five minutes
and did minimal harm to
Hando, yet still left him
scarred emotionally. Apparently,
Michael Cole, the webmaster
for WWF’s popular
website, had mistakenly
reported on the death of
a former star by the name
of Corporal Kirchner. When
Cole learned of his error,
he “snapped,”
according to friends, and
set out on a mission to
kill the real Corporal.
“He kept screaming
that he needed to make things
right or else he would be
boiled in oil,” Hando
told this reporter through
his tears. “He was
singing the Star Spangled
Banner with each hit. His
friend in the orange suit
was simply clapping and
screaming, ‘Yambags!
Yambags!”
According to witnesses,
once the beating ended,
Cole slammed Hando against
a wall, read him a poem,
and demanded a “thank
you.” Timothy felt
both violated and confused.
“I kept wondering
why he targeted me, but
then I found out he had
done the same thing to everyone
else on my block. Evidently
he had decided to just go
house to house through the
country until he found the
man he had said was dead.”
The friend in orange was
later identified as Cole’s
colleague, Tazz. This reporter
contacted Mr. Tazz for his
comments on the situation,
but he denied he was even
in the town at the time
of the attack.
“Yeah. I was in Brooklyn
with Joey Numbers. We were
grabbing a bite to eat.”
Tazz said when contacted.
“People like to make
up stories and then tell
the made up stories and
then people believe those
made up stories, but those
people are yam bags.”
To back up his story, Tazz
provided the Mainstream
Gazette with the cell phone
number of Joey Numbers.
When this reporter called
Numbers to back up the alibi,
the person on the other
end sounded strikingly similar
to Tazz doing a high pitched
voice.
“Allo? Allo?”
‘Numbers’ said
when he answered the call.
“Oh yes. Allo. My
name ees Joey Numbers. I
was weeeth Joey all day
and couldn’t have…I
mean, Tazz was weeth me
all day and couldn’t
have been there. Win if
you can. Survive if he lets
you.”
While Tazz may deny his
involvement, Cole doesn’t.
He provided the following
statement to the Mainstream
Gazette.
“Damnit! I went looking
for that damn Corporal and
damnit if I couldn’t
find him. You criticize
me, but what the f**k are
you doing? Huh? I’m
on national TV and what
the f**k are you doing?
Huh? Nothing. That’s
right. Nothing!” Michael’s
statement went on like this
for 12 pages.
The World Wrestling Federtainment
was founded in 1983 by Vince
McMahon and Cindi Lauper.
The program’s flagship
show, WWF Monday Night Raw
is War, has been on the
USA Network since 1982 and
provides rasslin’
junkies with all the body
slamming, dropkicking, bodykickingslamming
action that they’ve
become accustomed to. The
show features such well
known wrestling stars as
Hulk Hogan, The Rock, Jimmy
Snuka, Rocky Balboa, John
Marina, Kevin Federline,
and the World Champion Triple
Game, otherwise known as
DeGeneration X.
At the request of the Mainstream
Gazette editor, this reporter
went to the home of David
Shultz to ask the “standard
question” about whether
or not wrestling is predetermined.
Sadly, this reporter learned
the hard way that the editor
was pulling a prank. Apparently
it’s because the editor
of this paper is a big immature
baby who doesn’t believe
people when they say that
they didn’t eat his
Dannon Yogurt out of the
company fridge.
The person Cole confused
with the performer who played
Kirchner was a man by the
name of “Thomas Spears.”
According to many sources,
the name alone provided
Michael with confusion.
“He asked me if I
was married to Thomas Spears,”
WWF Superstar Kevin Federline
told the Gazette. “When
I told him that my wife’s
name was Britney Spears,
he seemed disappointed,
but asked if I would mind
killing her “just
in case.” Of course,
I didn’t do it….yet.
But I might. Be sure to
check out my new album.
I spit the mad tunes.”
Spitting aside, this assault
seems to be far from over.
Cole has stated that as
soon as he gets out of jail,
he will continue his search
for the man who wrestled
as Corporal Kirchner. Residents
of the town are obviously
concerned.
“I chose to live
here because the community
is a quiet one,” local
resident Mike Kirchner told
the Gazette. “Last
thing I want is to worry
about some little nutball
running around with a chainsaw.”
(Actual Satire Article by James Guttman,
WorldWrestlingInsanity.com)
CLUBWWI
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