World Wrestling Insanity


WWE Shop! By James Guttman (Originally Published on July 4, 2005) Click Here for the January 2005 Catalog Welcome back, everyone. World Wrestling Entertainment is proud to unveil it's super awesome summer catalog. Feel free to browse through our new merchandise or click the link above to buy anything we've offered here in the past. Remember, the art of professional wrestling is beautiful so that means, uh, you have to give us your money - or something like that. I don't know. We had a great slogan written up during the marketing meetings, but we forgot what it was. Doesn't matter, though. Just give us your money already. What else are you gonna spend it on? Food? Don't be such a bitch. *** New "Ric Flair Grabbed My Balls" T-Shirt Do you have an older male friend in your life that always seems to be ready to grab another man's testicles? If you do, then you have to get this shirt. Made from space age polymers that the astronauts used to breathe , these shirts proudly proclaim that the Dirtiest Player in the Game, wrestling legend Ric Flair, grabbed your balls. Note the comical picture of baseballs. We don't mean baseballs, though. We mean balls balls. Ha ha! Balls! Now that's funny. Price: $49.99* * - This statement is for entertainment purposes only. It's just cotton. Buy it anyway. * New Austin "Sand People" Shirt Remember 1998? Neither do we. It's 2005 and things have changed around here. We know it's in bad taste, but we figured you bought shirts that said "What," so why not this one? You people will buy anything. Send a check and don't ask questions. Price: $89.99** (during times that Mr. Austin is on bad terms with WWE, the shirt will be priced at $6.00) * New Kurt Angle "Bestiality is Fun" Shirt Why did the puppy cross the road? He was trying to get away from a horny Kurt Angle! That's right, following a stunning revelation on WWE's B Show, Smackdown, Angle became the flag bearer for bestiality fans everywhere. Available in many sizes and colors, this t-shirt is the perfect gift for the horse fker in your life! Price: $34.99 * Hulkamania "Stop Cheering" Shirt This is the nineteenth time that we've made this shirt available to the public. Please, people. Stop cheering already. This isn't a witty slogan. This is a plea. We've been trying to bury this guy since the first King of the Ring tournament. What's it going to take? Stop friggin' cheering already. If you do, we'll give RVD a title. Honest! Well, maybe not honest. We'll try, though. Please don't make us shoot him. If you want nostalgia, go play Ms. Pac Man. Just let us kill off Hulkamania already. He's such a pain in the ass. Price: Free *** New Lita Condoms You don't have to buy this. We're just trying to get this woman to quit already. We've tried everything. We gave her the line "I'm proud to say I'm the slut of the century" and she actually said it! We were all like, "No way. She's gonna quit." But no. She's still here. What's it gonna take? Next, we're gonna try Viscera. After that, we sick Kane on her again. Price: We don't know. How much are you willing to spend on this? * New WWE's Worst Stars of the 1980s DVD Now you can finally catch all the worst stars and gimmicks of the '80s in one DVD set! Featured here are Outback Jack, the Red Rooster, Brock Lesnar, Bruno Sammartino, Bret Hart, Chyna, and tons more. Oh, hold up. We know what you're saying. You're wondering how we can include people like Brock and Bruno on this set if they weren't 80s wrestlers. Well, one day when you buy a video library, you can do whatever the hell you want with it. Until then, you got no choice. Now stop asking goddamn questions and buy the friggin' DVD already. Seriously, these DVDs are the only thing we're making money on anymore. Don't take that away from us. *Special Features include:* See How Vince McMahon's yellow suits were made in a 90 minute documentary! Watch all the people who joined Mr. McMahon's Kiss My Ass Club cry in their hotel rooms after the cameras stopped rolling! Over 2 hours of the Bushwackers licking Alfred Hayes! Plus much, much…OK, a little bit more…. Price: $119.99 ***** Viscera Section New Viscera "Butt Humping" Teddy Bear Thanks to the newest technology from the people who brought you Teddy Ruxpin in the early 80s, it's Viscera's "Butt Humping Teddy Bear." Activated by your voice, Vis can thrust his big bear pelvis into any of your other toys. He'll bump and grind on Barbie, Pikachu, GI Joe, or your mom. You decide! Just let Big Teddy Vis go loose and watch him thrust away like a trooper. Comes with toy hotdog to eat or…whatever your sicko mind can come up with. You should hear the things our writing staff did with it. Price: $79.95 *** New Viscera Birthday Invitations Tired of kids no-showing your parties like Jeff Hardy on a bender? Sick of eating all the cake yourself until you puke on your pants? Well, worry no more. With these invites, no one will dare stand you up on your special day. Show 'em who's boss and get some party guests - stat! Price: $80/dozen * ECW Section Did you guys see that pay-per-view we did? It wasn't as good as like Vengeance or anything, but it was aight. You know, not bad. Anyway, feel free to browse our ECW merchandise - located conveniently at the bottom of the list behind Viscera, Ric Flair's perversions, and Lita Condoms. New ECW Scratch Logo Shirt You want this shirt. It says ECW on it. Just buy the goddamn thing. The back says it all. It's just like WWE, only not as good! First 100 buyers will get a punch in the face from JBL! Price: $3 (IOUs not accepted) New EC "Mc" W Shirt Again, read the shirt. You people can read, right? You use that internet thing. So, of course you can read. In that case, read the shirt and cry a little. Then send money. Price: $3 (IOUs not accepted) * Go To January 2005 Catalog**

WWE Shop!
By James Guttman

(Originally Published on July 4, 2005)

Click Here for the January 2005 Catalog

Welcome back, everyone. World Wrestling Entertainment is proud to unveil it's super awesome summer catalog. Feel free to browse through our new merchandise or click the link above to buy anything we've offered here in the past. Remember, the art of professional wrestling is beautiful so that means, uh, you have to give us your money - or something like that. I don't know. We had a great slogan written up during the marketing meetings, but we forgot what it was. Doesn't matter, though. Just give us your money already. What else are you gonna spend it on? Food? Don't be such a bitch.

***
New "Ric Flair Grabbed My Balls" T-Shirt

Do you have an older male friend in your life that always seems to be ready to grab another man's testicles? If you do, then you have to get this shirt. Made from space age polymers that the astronauts used to breathe *, these shirts proudly proclaim that the Dirtiest Player in the Game, wrestling legend Ric Flair, grabbed your balls. Note the comical picture of baseballs. We don't mean baseballs, though. We mean balls balls. Ha ha! Balls! Now that's funny.

Price: $49.99

* - This statement is for entertainment purposes only. It's just cotton. Buy it anyway.

***

New Austin "Sand People" Shirt

Remember 1998? Neither do we. It's 2005 and things have changed around here. We know it's in bad taste, but we figured you bought shirts that said "What," so why not this one? You people will buy anything. Send a check and don't ask questions.

Price: $89.99

(during times that Mr. Austin is on bad terms with WWE, the shirt will be priced at $6.00)

***

New Kurt Angle "Bestiality is Fun" Shirt

Why did the puppy cross the road? He was trying to get away from a horny Kurt Angle! That's right, following a stunning revelation on WWE's B Show, Smackdown, Angle became the flag bearer for bestiality fans everywhere. Available in many sizes and colors, this t-shirt is the perfect gift for the horse f**ker in your life!

Price: $34.99

***

Hulkamania "Stop Cheering" Shirt

This is the nineteenth time that we've made this shirt available to the public. Please, people. Stop cheering already. This isn't a witty slogan. This is a plea. We've been trying to bury this guy since the first King of the Ring tournament. What's it going to take? Stop friggin' cheering already. If you do, we'll give RVD a title. Honest! Well, maybe not honest. We'll try, though. Please don't make us shoot him. If you want nostalgia, go play Ms. Pac Man. Just let us kill off Hulkamania already. He's such a pain in the ass.

Price: Free

***

New Lita Condoms

You don't have to buy this. We're just trying to get this woman to quit already. We've tried everything. We gave her the line "I'm proud to say I'm the slut of the century" and she actually said it! We were all like, "No way. She's gonna quit." But no. She's still here. What's it gonna take? Next, we're gonna try Viscera. After that, we sick Kane on her again.

Price: We don't know. How much are you willing to spend on this?

***

New WWE's Worst Stars of the 1980s DVD

Now you can finally catch all the worst stars and gimmicks of the '80s in one DVD set! Featured here are Outback Jack, the Red Rooster, Brock Lesnar, Bruno Sammartino, Bret Hart, Chyna, and tons more.

Oh, hold up. We know what you're saying. You're wondering how we can include people like Brock and Bruno on this set if they weren't 80s wrestlers. Well, one day when you buy a video library, you can do whatever the hell you want with it. Until then, you got no choice. Now stop asking goddamn questions and buy the friggin' DVD already. Seriously, these DVDs are the only thing we're making money on anymore. Don't take that away from us.

Special Features include:

See How Vince McMahon's yellow suits were made in a 90 minute documentary!

Watch all the people who joined Mr. McMahon's Kiss My Ass Club cry in their hotel rooms after the cameras stopped rolling!

Over 2 hours of the Bushwackers licking Alfred Hayes!

Plus much, much…OK, a little bit more….

Price: $119.99

***

Viscera Section

New Viscera "Butt Humping" Teddy Bear

Thanks to the newest technology from the people who brought you Teddy Ruxpin in the early 80s, it's Viscera's "Butt Humping Teddy Bear." Activated by your voice, Vis can thrust his big bear pelvis into any of your other toys. He'll bump and grind on Barbie, Pikachu, GI Joe, or your mom. You decide! Just let Big Teddy Vis go loose and watch him thrust away like a trooper. Comes with toy hotdog to eat or…whatever your sicko mind can come up with. You should hear the things our writing staff did with it.

Price: $79.95

***

New Viscera Birthday Invitations

Tired of kids no-showing your parties like Jeff Hardy on a bender? Sick of eating all the cake yourself until you puke on your pants? Well, worry no more. With these invites, no one will dare stand you up on your special day. Show 'em who's boss and get some party guests - stat!

Price: $80/dozen

***

ECW Section

Did you guys see that pay-per-view we did? It wasn't as good as like Vengeance or anything, but it was aight. You know, not bad. Anyway, feel free to browse our ECW merchandise - located conveniently at the bottom of the list behind Viscera, Ric Flair's perversions, and Lita Condoms.

New ECW Scratch Logo Shirt

You want this shirt. It says ECW on it. Just buy the goddamn thing. The back says it all. It's just like WWE, only not as good! First 100 buyers will get a punch in the face from JBL!

Price: $3 (IOUs not accepted)

New EC "Mc" W Shirt

Again, read the shirt. You people can read, right? You use that internet thing. So, of course you can read. In that case, read the shirt and cry a little. Then send money.

Price: $3 (IOUs not accepted)

***

Go To

January 2005 Catalog