Piledriver - The Music Video

"Break it Down Old School" with MC_U.S.TitleBelt

"Piledriver: The Music Video"

When I asked JG if I could review tapes from the 80's and 90's as well as stuff from the last few
years(since the bulk of my wrestling collection is from the heyday of Hulkamania), he gave me the green
light. So, I began to ponder just what would be the best video to review for my first go-around. Then, it
dawned on me. Review a tape that focuses on an element of wrestling that was, unconventional though
it may be, highly influencial in my fanship of the sport. THEME MUSIC!!!! Though I am probably in a
minority, I believe theme music is just as important to a wrestler's character as his promos and work rate.
A truly awesome or catchy theme song will often times work the crowd one way or another(like the "You Suck"
chants done to the tune of Kurt Angle's Theme during his entrance, or the massive pop that erupts when the
first horns of "The Time is Now" start playing and Dr.Thuggypants staggers out there with the spinny World
title belt held aloft in in his right hand). That is why I have chosen for my first review Coliseum Home
Video's presentation of "Piledriver: The Music Video"

For those not in the know, "Piledriver" was the follow-up to 1985's "The Wrestling Album" which was
essentially the last effort to actually milk the "Rock n' Wrestling Connection"(and their working
relationship with Cyndi Lauper) as the central theme of the WWF's programming by having wrestlers
performing what in many cases became their theme songs so as not to be out done by rival promotions since
Michael P.S. Hayes originated the idea of using theme music with "Badstreet USA" for the Fabulous Freebirds,
or so Jim Ross claimed on another tape I have ("The Wrestling Album was re-released on CD at the beginning
of the Attitude Era. The unfortunate presence of between song commentary by Vince, Mean Gene, and Jesse
Ventura made ripping songs from the CD on to the computer pointless because the commentary was not a
separate track, rather it was the closing seconds of each track, prompting you to have to skip to the next
track if you wanted to escape the pointlessness of it). Some of the tracks that actually became theme
songs were Junkyard Dog's "Grab Them Cakes", Hillbilly Jim's "Don't Go Messin' with a Country Boy", the theme
from Hulk Hogan's Rock n' Wrestling(which was just Bonnie Tyler's "Ravishing" minus the vocal track,
written by Meat Loaf's long time collaborater, Jim Steinman) and the not originally intended for Hogan
"Real American" by Rick Derringer.

In 1988, though no longer affiliated with Cyndi Lauper(save for special thanks to Captain Lou and Hot
Rod on the two albums + The Goonies Soundtrack that followed "She's So Unusual"), Vince still had
connections to CBS/Epic through Cyndi's former collaborater and guitarist, Rick Derringer. This time
around, more of the songs ended up as theme music and there was no commentary(I have a few songs that were
ripped from a copy of "Piledriver" and no commentary was present), which made the album more appealing.
But enough about that. Let's get to the video.

The show opens with our host, George Stevens. George was apparently the producer of the album. He gives us
a rundown of what we are about to see. The videos collected here are:

"Piledriver"

"Honky Tonk Man"

"Demolition"

"Rock n' Roll Hoochie Coo"

"Girls In Cars"

"Stand Back"

and...

"If You Only Knew"

 

Plus, interviews with Slick, Honky Tonk Man, and Arnold Skaaland who had a role in the "Piledriver"
video. Speaking of which, we now get a word with the "actual foreman" of the construction site the video
was filmed on. He states that some of his crew wanted to be in the video but, they were too puny compared to
the wrestlers. The Hulkster can apparently handle the job of 2 guys by himself with the concrete hose, and
Billy Jack Haynes can "throw tires around like they were toothpicks"(should we be impressed?) He also
boasts that if he had a crew full of wrestlers, he'd get buildings completed in 2 days(that's pretty
arrogant of him to think that considering that by this time Hogan wouldn't even defend the title every 30
days).

Video #1: Koko B. Ware performing "Piledriver"

I've always like Koko. His singing voice is a lot
like James Brown's, though I will admit that I liked
his 1990 theme song "Bird, Bird, Bird" a lot better
than this song(if anybody has a copy of that please
let me know), but it showcases his vocal talent nicely
so I can't really complain. The video starts off with
a bunch of the WWF Superstars of the day working on a
construction site. Pictured right away are Superstar
Billy Graham(who was attempting a comeback at the
time), Billy Jack Haynes, BamBam Bigelow, and the
original "Rock", "The Magnificent" Don Muraco.
Suddenly, The Honky Tonk Man drives on to the scene in
his pink cadillac with Jimmy Hart and Peggy Sue. They
zoom right past Sir Oliver Humperdink(at the time, he
was BamBam's manager and would later be "head roadie"
to the Fabulous Freebirds when they were managed by
DDP), who is trying to flag them to an alternate
route. Something tells me Honky shouldn't have done
that, especially since Muraco and BamBam can use
jackhammers with one hand.

Honky then blows right past Billy Jack Haynes, who
drops the lumber he's carrying and is like "WTF,
Honky?". But, just like everyone else did back at
that time, Honky and Co. completely ignore Billy Jack
and keep on driving. They also pass BamBam as he's
trying to push a wheel barrow. He shows his
discontent at Honky's presence, but since only jobbers
and Doink the Clown fear BamBam, it falls on deaf
ears. The fun and games end when they stop dead in
their tracks at the sight of Hulk Hogan wielding a
pick axe and doing that intense lamaze breathing thing
he does when he hulks up.

The camera finally finds the song's performer, Koko B.
Ware, singin' on top of a wood pile. This angers
Arnold Skaaland, who portrays the stereotypical
stoagie puffin' construction site foreman. Since Koko
doesn't amount to a hill of beans when compared to the
awesome power of Hulkamania, the camera quickly goes
back to Hogan, still blocking the caddy's way. Honky
and Jimmy Hart motion for the Hulk to step aside.
Instead, Hollywood glances at Don Muraco who casually
lets a wide sheet of plywood fall to the ground,
kicking up alot of dust and making the heels cough.
His Hulkship then allows them to pass.

Koko's still singing. Now, he's dancin' with a sledge
hammer(If Triple H is the student of the game he
claims to be, he got the sledgehammer idea from this
video). Skaaland is still pissed at Koko for jiving
instead of working.

Next, Hogan, Muraco, and Graham are laying concrete.
Skaaland comes up and jabs a finger into Superstar's
bicep, apparently displeased, though there's no
evidence to show it is warranted, with their work(must
be where Vince McMahon learned his lack of
appreciation for the efforts of his employees). Hulk
decides to show The Golden Boy a thing or two by
turning the concrete hose on him and covering him in
wet cement as Hulk and the boys laugh about giving
Mean Mark ideas of to what to do to Percy Pringle in
16 years.

Now we see a couple of chicks in revealing outfits
walking by as the crew takes their lunch break.
Superstar gives the "OK" gesture. We are then treated
to a shot of Vince(that's right, I said Vince)before
the toupee, in an orange T-shirt and jeans, lying on
his side doing his best Ric Flair "WHOOO".

Koko's still in the groove, using the sledgehammer as
a mic. He and Macho Man have similar tastes in
sunglasses. We suddenly get a quick cut to an in-ring
shot of Koko setting up Barry Horowitz for his
finisher, the brainbuster(I guess the song is called
"Piledriver" because "Brain Buster" wouldn't fit the
construction motiff as well as "Piledriver"). We are
treated to a POV angle from Horowitz's perspective as
he's hoisted into position, which is pretty cool, and
then we get the delivery from the side, below, and in
front as the crowd pops big time. Koko's now singing
to the crowd from the second rope, mic in his left
hand, and a live Frankie(as opposed to the stuffed one
he had at Homecoming) perched on his right wrist.

Back at the lunchbreak, we now have a chick in Daisy
Dukes who doesn't have the butt for them, giving the
guys an eyeful. Humperdink spills his water, BamBam
averts his eyes, and somebody throws a small clump of
yellow fabric at her(I thought women threw their
panties at celebrities, not the other way around).

Koko B. Sledge is still crooning away atop the wood
pile. Oops, he just smacked a support beam with the
sledgehammer while he was throwin' his hands around
like the Rock right before the People's Elbow. Some
poor yutz behind him is attempting to keep the
framework from collapsing due to the mishap. Ware
suddenly becomes the Incredible Nightcrawler, as he
teleports back and forth between the ring and the job
site, making appropriate costume changes along the
way.

Late breaking news from the lunch break(building
completed in 2 days huh? They've been here 3 minutes
and all they've done is wreck things, eat, and stare
at passing girls). We now have a young, fairly well
stacked Asian girl who catches Don Muraco's eye(their
breasts are about the same size). Next, a younger
Linda McMahon(or at least I think it's her)walks by in
an ugly brown dress, prompting Vince to wave his sack
at her(that's lunch sack, you perverts). Then, a time
travelling Stacy Kiebler in Ms. Hancock garb and
Hogan's wife pass the crew and we get a close up of a
wide eyed Hulk stuffing an entire sub sandwich in his
mouth as it is universally known that a woman's
attraction to a man is based on how much food he can
inhale all at once.

As the video comes to a close, the director realized
what construction site themed video would be complete
without a port-a-potty gag. Old Man Skaaland's
hittin' the crapper and is looking around to make sure
no one sees him go in because he's holding a picture
of Miss Elizabeth(Don't let Mach know that, he gets
jealous you know). Arnie's date with Rosie Palmer is
cut short by some off screen joker who has
commandeered the forklift and uses it to lift the john
off the ground, with Skaaland prostesting this
treatment of the foreman as we fade to black.

Producer George is attempting to make jokes that
almost make Coachman look funny, but not quite. We
get some words from Arnold Skaaland about the video
shoot. He says the wet cement didn't hurt, but when
the forklift picked up the outhouse, it had him
thinking. Considering the picture he went in there
with...yeah.

Without further adieu, we learn that Honky Tonk Man is
on deck. But, first, some words from the longest
reigning Intercontinental Champion. He does his usual
thing about everybody wanting to see him sing, dance,
and play his guitar. Then he begins to gripe about
the fact that he was supposed to be the star of the
last video but got lost on the way to the shoot and
when he finally got there, his caddy got dirty and all
the chicks on the scene tried to steal his scarf and
pieces of his jump suit. What he says next is
indisputable evidence that he is related to Jerry
Lawler:

"The Honky Tonk Man's got women like that everywhere.
They all want to see the Honky Tonk Man undressed.
And when they do, you should see 'em scream, you
should see 'em faint."

That's just creepy. Anyway..

 

Video #2: Honky Tonk Man performing "Honky Tonk Man"

We open with shots of the grill and fins of Honky's
pink Cadillac, and a close up of the fuzzy dice on the
mirror. Jimmy Hart's getting sounds of an acoustic
guitar that were thought to be impossible(I guess Les
Paul spent all that time in his garage in Waukesha,
Wisconsin inventing the electric guitar for nothing).
More shots of the caddy and we find that on this day,
Peggy Sue is not being played by Sherri Martel because
she's not scary lookin'.

The Hollywood sign has been changed to say
"Honkywood"(you think writers from Honkywood could
actually write a decent storyline, but then Stephanie
wouldn't hire them). Honky takes the stage with a
full band that appears to include RKO's cowboy daddy
on bass(where's his arm cast? He didn't go anywhere
without that during the 80's). A sign on the wall
prooves Hogan's theory that all wrestlers want to be
like him. It reads "Honky-Mania". Jake The Snake's
wife, Cheryl, is in the crowd. Honky just gave her his
scarf and she faints(if Rick Rude had done that, Jake
woulda killed him). More chicks try to get to the
stage to get with HTM, but security's good at this
place. Maybe Johnny Ace should have hired Honky's
bouncers when Matt Hardy kept showing up "uninvited"
at Raw to beat up Edge. Honky does his Elvis schtick
while Jimmy Hart sings along with a female back up
singer who looks like JBL +40 lbs.

HTM begins his guitar solo before the back up track
does. When we do get guitar noise, it's electric and
Honky has no clue how to fake chords(maybe he should
just air guitar. You can't screw up air guitar). To
make up for this, he goes for the old "play behind my
head" routine. Guys are now rushing the stage to get
a piece of Honky. This is getting sick. Honky uses
telekinesis to finish the guitar solo(his hands
weren't moving and there were guitar noises, what else
could it be?) A banner in front of the keyboard reads
"Elvis Who?". The irony of that is the generation
after me was saying that because they didn't know who
Elvis was, not because they thought someone could out
perform him.

A brief shot of Honky and Co. in the caddy which
segues into a really quick pan over to a palm tree.
It seemed really impulsive. I wonder if there was
something in the tree that was gone before the camera
man had time to turn around. Guess we'll never know.

Honky shakes his butt on stage, and we end with the
George Lucas wipe to the Honkywood sign and a
disclaimer:

"The characters in this video were paid for their
performances by the Honky Tonk Man."

I happen to believe that had they used that disclaimer
on the July 7th Smackdown instead of "Viewer
discretion advised", Muhammed Hassan would still be
employed.

Producer George holds court again and he's talking
about his run in with Bill Eadie and Barry Darsow,
better known as Ax and Smash of Demoliton. When asked
about what they wanted in the video for their theme
song, Jake Bullit and Curt Hennig's high school chum
say they want stuff blowing up and clips of their
matches, which makes my job easy since that means
there is no story line to really try to interpret to
you, the readers.

 

Video #3: Rick Derringer performs "Demolition"

This is one of my all time favorite theme songs. Rick
Derringer should have done more work for the WWF's
music division. I mean Jim Johnston comes up with
some pretty good stuff, but Derringer was just...I
can't explain it. It's just cool.

The video consists primarily of clips from the 1960's
"Duck and Cover" nuclear safety education films and
Demolition squash matches. They also occasionally
have a still of a guy wearing orange ski goggles with
the destruction clips reflecting in the lenses, a very
80's concept.

I've always been puzzled by the lyrics of the bridge
section of this song.

"Demolition...Better say your Act of Contrition"

Cool rhyme, but how many non-Catholics actually know
what the Act of Contrition is? I only do because
though I'm a Protestant, my parents sent me to a
Catholic elementary school inspite of the fact that
they have somewhat conflicting dogmas, which was why
they converted to Protestantism after being raised
Catholic in the first place. Oy gevault!

Wow, I just saw Barry Darsow do a Stun Gun. I guess
that means Stone Cold didn't invent the move. The
video continues with more of the same things
previously mentioned til the fade out.

The return of Producer George and he's trying to make
Mean Gene sound like the most entertaining guy in the
company. He's up next to do what Hogan did on the
last album, perform with Rick Derringer on a song that
was not written with him in mind.

 

Video #4 Mean Gene Okerlund and Rick Derringer
performing "Rock N'Roll Hoochie Coo"

The scene opens in a music appreciation class. The
teacher looks like Elizabeth Berkley of "Saved By The
Bell"/"Showgirls" fame. She says that joining us to
day will be Mr. Peabody(I think "all right, that
talking dog from Rocky and Bullwinkle". My heart
sinks when we find out it's just Mean Gene). He's got
an educational film that's supposedly going to teach
us how to better appreciate Beethoven's 5th. The
class looks bored, I know I am and it is only worsened
by Mean Gene talking about African buffalo lips. Just
start the freakin' music already, you jurassic slap
ass! I have to be really aggrevated to quote Jeff
Jarrett. Unfortunately, our suffering is prolonged by
the principal saying something on the intercom and a
kid being asked to kill the lights.

When that happens, the chick who slept with Al Pacino
in "Any Given Sunday" nearly has a heart attack when
she sees what has happened to Mean Gene. He's now
decked out in a blue wig, tye dye shirt, and silver
Bret Hart sunglasses. The song finally starts and we
quickly learn why Okerlund should stick to interviews
as he doesn't even attempt to harmonize with
Derringer(this is what you get for not allowing
Liberace to sing the anthem at Wrestlemania instead of
Mean Gene. You made him think he could sing!).

Gene is now like David Lee Roth in the "Panama" video
being in two places at once. He's in the "educational
film" with Derringer, and causing a disruption in the
class room. Slater's girlfriend tries in vain to
restore order, but the students will have none of
that. They wanna dance, so they dance. We are then
treated to a shot in the "educational film" of Mean
Gene's meal ticket in wrestling, Terry Bollea,
displaying the only real talent he has... playing the
bass.

This formula continues for awhile until Woody Allen's
secretary from "Curse of The Jade Scorpion" lets her
hair down and starts displaying the moves that won her
the lead in "Showgirls", complete with partial
stripping... Okay, she takes of her sweater vest,
revealing her red blouse and starts flipping her skirt
around like she was employed at the Moulin Rouge.

The song ends, but the hijinks continue as the
principal walks in to see whats causing all the
ruckus. He's quite furious(I don't blame him,
Okerlund shouldn't be allowed near a mic for anything
other than interviewing). Mean Gene smirks and we
fade to black.

We go back to Producer George who says he wishes that
more of his high school teachers had been like the one
in that video. Speaking of slutty women, our next
video is for Strike Force's theme song. Vince's
resident theme song creator, Jim Johnston, appears
briefly to say that Santana and Martel are so obsessed
with girls that they didn't want anything but girls to
appear in the video, which is funny because when he
was "The Model", Martel always seemed kinda fruity to
me. Oh, well, I guess the bitter break up of Strike
Force at the following year's Wrestlemania turned
Ricky off chicks.

Video #5: "Girls In Cars" performed by Robbie Dupree
(Does this mean that 17 years ago, members of La
Resistance, Conway and Dupree, were merged into one
being who sang a wrestling theme song that when used
at live events was done so without the vocal track.
Vince hated them even then!)

This video follows the same formula of a bra & panties
match or lingerie pillow fight, only the girls in
revealing clothes are nowhere near a wrestling ring.
They are driving around in cars where they can cause
more collateral damage by distracting straight male
and lesbian drivers. The only other visual in this
video at all is the singer, Dupree, being harrassed by
sea gulls on a beach as he's attempting to play guitar
and sing. The song fades and scene dissolves to...

The close up of a black man's mouth taking a big bite
out of a piece of fried chicken. Vince's Wrestling
Company and racial stereotypes seem to go hand in hand
no matter what era it is. The camera pulls back to
reveal the mouth belongs to The Doctor of Style,
Slick. You know this has to be good. Slick was like
the Morris Day of the WWF, too bad they gave the only
Jerome they had to Ted Dibiase.

With a mouthful of chicken, Slick starts patting
himself on the back for being able to sing better than
everybody else on the album and being able to dance
better than Michael Jackson(insert Jacko joke here).
After swallowing his food, he starts to lament about
everyone wanting a word with him and not allowing him
to eat his yardbird in peace. I begin to wonder if
he's deep fried Eric Clapton, Jeff Beck, or Jimmy
Page. By the time I figure out that he means poultry,
he's doing a drum roll with a pair of chicken legs.
Oh, I get it. Drumsticks. Wocka, wocka, wocka! and
that leads into...

 

Video #6: The Doctor of Style, Slick performing "Jive
Soul Bro"

Even though Slick was a heel manager, I always loved
watching him get down in the ring with Akeem the
African Dream with this song playing. Great funk tune
that you just don't hear anymore.

The scene has Slick strutting down the street,
twirling his cane and stopping to use his superior
pimpin' skills on some women in the entry way to a
bar. When they turn him down, he starts looking
around for another potential conquest and gets a
flower pot thrown at him.

Now, the chicks who turned him down before are
following him around, accusing him of being a jive
soul bro(whatever that means). But, that doesn't
deter the Slickster. In a scene that probably
influenced the writers of Deuce Bigelow, Male Gigolo,
Slick tries to get with "a lady that was 7 feet
tall...Now that was a biiiig woman!" She throws him
out and he's being harrassed by those chicks from a
scene or two ago yet again.

Slick ain't hearin' none of that because now it's time
to get down. Slick, along with Fat Albert and The
Cosby Kids, tear up the sidewalk with their totally
def dance moves as a crowd gathers to watch. Then,
the entire 'hood is on the Slickster for being a jive
soul bro. They've got his rear escape route
completely blocked and if that weren't bad enough, a
kid on a big wheel is bearing down on him from the
front with intent to inflict bodily harm. The walls
are closing in all around The Doctor of Style. But,
just as he's about to be given sore ankles as a result
of vehicular assault, Slickster shows of a pretty
impressive vertical as he goes up and over the big
wheel riding hoodlum and keeps on walking. The
conclusion to the story is Slick continuing to get
dissed by all his friends.

Dissolve back to Slick and his bucket of KFC. The
owner of the restaurant is claiming Slickster hasn't
paid for that chicken to which Slick responds "I
thought it was on the house for the star."(do the
stereotypes know no end in Vince's world).

The bogus producer comes back to let us know that the
next video is a tribute to the awesomeness of Andre
the Giant. On paper, this sounds great. Even though
he was no mat wrestling wizard, Andre was a sight to
behold in the ring, live or on TV. A montage of
Andre's greatest moments in the ring of the previous 5
years should be fun to watch. It is, save for one
little detail...

Video#7: "Stand Back" performed by Vince McMahon.

You read that right. I said Vince McMahon. Every
thing he does is a vanity project. He had to feature
himself on this album some way since he didn't get to
provide crappy commentary between songs this time.
This is harder to get through than Mean Gene's vocals
a few songs back. The only redeeming quality is
watching alot of clips of Andre putting Hogan in his
place.

Oh, look! Andre just eliminated Hogan, quite
unceramoniously, I might add, from a battle royal.
And he's dusting off his hands as if to say, "There,
done and done." OOH, now he's using Hogan's
Kryptonite(shout out to my buddy, Treb, for coming up
with that term), the bearhug. Hogan's fading fast.
There's no way he could withstand this. Man, I could
watch this video with the mute on all day.

Now, we finally come to the last video.

 

Video #8: WWF Wrestlers performing "If You Only Knew"

It's another montage of match clips and the song
features everybody employed by Vince at the time on
vocals. Even the usually soft spoken Miss Elizabeth
chimes in a line. But since there is even less to
this video than Andre's, I don't really have anything
to say about it other than Bobby Heenan is one of the
greatest heels of all time. That's all I'm gonna say.

The credits roll with a replay of La Resistance's
performance of Strike Force's theme "Girls In Cars".

So, how would I rate this video. I'd give it a 7.5
out of 10. Vince and Mean Gene's horrid performances
put a damper on an otherwise fun and entertaining
snippet of wrestling history. The best performances
easily go to Rick Derringer on "Demolition", Koko B.
Ware on "Piledriver", and Slick on "Jive Soul Bro".
If your local video store still carries VHS and has a
halfway decent selection of wrestling videos, see if
you can find this one for a laugh.

Thanks for reading.

The opinions of MC_U.S.TitleBelt do not necessarily
reflect the opinions of the online wrestling fan
community at large, but hopefully some of you will
agree.

 

Click Here To Purchase Piledriver - The Music Video

***

 

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